


The Empty Room

by germanjj



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-06
Updated: 2012-04-09
Packaged: 2017-10-30 17:25:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 45,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/334253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/germanjj/pseuds/germanjj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared’s life felt like it was slowly falling into pieces, slipping right through his fingers and he didn’t even know why. What he did know was that there had to be a reason why he would always find his dogs scratching at the door to the empty room in his house. Why he would hesitate so many times before driving off to set simply because it felt wrong somehow to go alone. Why he would dream of this one guy he’d never met, but who, in his dreams, felt like a man he had spent a lifetime with. Why he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something, someone, he’d forgotten.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> first posted December 2009.
> 
> watch secretlytodream's trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TRfp_0Fsgc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first posted July 2009  
> written for the spn_j2_bigbang on livejournal

~++++~

"Look at him,“ she whispered as she felt her older sister’s presence behind her. 

“There you are,” her sister scolded her, but keeping an equal low tone, even though no one would have been able to hear them anyway. Not them.

“We’ve been looking all over for you,” she carried on and stepped beside her, looking down at what her sister was staring at all the time. 

“Ohmygod, he is so cute!” she couldn't stop herself to say as soon as he saw the little baby in the crib. 

“See? Told you he would be cute. Could see it even when he still was in his mother’s womb.” The younger one beamed.

Her sister laughed out loud but the baby in the crib just made a sweet little noise and kept on sleeping his peaceful sleep.

“Could you please stop hanging around in people’s nurseries?” another voice cut through the night and the two women were faced by the oldest of them. “It really creeps me out.”

The two younger ones shared a look and started to giggle. “Oh, come on, hon, you’re just jealous!” the middle one said and grinned.

“What should I be jealous about? Not seeing why it’s so damn interesting to watch an average baby sleep? I don’t think so. And you sweetie,” she turned to the youngest, “you’re obsessing a lot about them lately. First that green-eyed beauty a couple of years ago, and now him.”

Despite the harsh words of the oldest, the younger sister smiled, open and happy. “Because they’re special. Because the opportunities of these times ... they finally can be everything they’re supposed be!” 

She turned her face down to watch the small bundle again, being so innocent, so oblivious to the three that were talking so much about him. “And he’s not average. Not in any sense. I can see him, sister! I can see everything he’s supposed to be and even if it won’t be part of the history books or important to anyone else but the people of his time, his life will be special to those.” She looked up, met her sisters eyes. “He will give everyone so much just by being who he is. Just wait and see.”

The oldest sister grumbled, but didn’t say anything. 

 

“What are you smiling about?” The youngest asked as she caught the deep smile on her older sister’s face, who had stood silently between her siblings. 

The middle one bit her lip and her eyes sparkled, just peeking the curiosity of her sisters even more.

“What?” The oldest demanded to know, sounding irritated. She hated not knowing what was happening.

“What?” The youngest asked again, her voice turning into one of a five-year-old's.

The middle one just made a step towards her younger sister, cupped her cheek and placed a soft kiss to her temple.

“About twenty years from now,” she whispered, “I may have a surprise for you.” With these words she was gone, her younger sister blinking at the thin air where she had been only a second ago.

“What did she... ?” She had turned to her other sister, but the oldest just huffed and rolled her eyes and disappeared as well.

“Dee!!! Come back! Tell me what you know!!” she shouted into the dark, but no one responded. The house stayed quiet and the baby before her sighed in his sleep.

The youngest bent down and gently touched the baby’s head; the soft hair tickling against her fingers.

“Bye, Jared. I will see you again,” she whispered and left.

~++++~


	2. I Sing Of Things That Were

~*~Jensen~*~

I'm not fully awake when I feel the warmth of another body seeping into me. I can smell the musky scent of another guy, can almost taste it on my tongue. Want to taste it.

Trapped between fuzzy dreams and the carefree feeling right before the mind faces the day, I follow my desires and let my tongue slip out.

I hear him breathe. Feel his heart right underneath his skin, thrumming against my lips.

I've never done this. Never touched a man, never felt the thrilling need.

And I know it's all just because of him.

Because it's Jared.

~+++~


	3. part one, chapter one

~+++~

The house was quiet when Jared woke up. Real quiet. Like someone had sucked all the sound out of the room and every step and every breath would remain unheard.

It wasn’t the first time it had felt like this in the early morning. Jared couldn’t recall when it had began but he knew he couldn’t blame it on sleepiness, he was a morning person after all; or lack of caffeine, since he didn’t drink that much coffee anyway. Instead, he had started to pay attention to the weird silence. To the lack of sound. And tried to make sense of it.

The silence hurt. Like the air had gone out of every room, and there was nothing left to fill his lungs. And he would take desperate breaths, only to feel crushing pain in his chest, like he was breathing in needles and blades. 

It only happened in the mornings. And sometimes on weekends, when he had fallen asleep on the couch in the afternoons. It only happened just as he was waking up.

Coming home from the set or staying up late, the house was filled with all sorts of noises. The low buzzing from all the electric devices in the living room and in the kitchen. Noises from outside like cars driving by or the rustling of the trees when the wind got stronger.

But not in the morning. Not that morning. The house was quiet.

Quiet except for the scratching coming from downstairs.

 

Jared went down only to find his dogs in front of the door to the other bedroom in this house. It was lying between the second bathroom and a small storage room Jared never used; right across the living room, the door just two steps away from the stairs. 

Their paws were scratching on the wood, creating a noise that stung in Jared's ears. When they heard their daddy coming, they made high, whiney noises, begging to be let into the room.

“Not again,” Jared groaned. But he stepped between the two dogs and opened the door anyway, letting them inside.

“There’s nothing in here,” he told Harley and Sadie. Like they would understand him. Like they would believe him this time and he wouldn’t find them in the exact same position the next day.

But his dogs stumbled into the empty room anyway, tripping over each other and sniffing the air. Exploring the corners, looking up at blank walls and two big windows that let enough sun into the room to make the dust glow in the air. 

Jared felt a jolt of pain as he watched his babies. They looked confused, forlorn, like they were looking for something in this room that wasn’t there. 

And Jared didn’t know where that feeling came from, but somehow, he could relate. Like he was missing something too.

~+++~

The doorbell rang exactly when Jared had just finished breakfast and was slipping on his shoes.

“Hey, Clif.” Jared patted the other man on the shoulder once, greeting his bodyguard/driver/friend like all the other mornings when he got picked up.

“You ready?” The huge man grinned, playing with the car key in his hand. Harley and Sadie ran to the door as always, bouncing around the new visitor, but when Jared was ready to leave, jacket and leashes in his hands, they vanished into that empty room again.

“Harley! Sadie! Come here!” Jared’s voice echoed through the house, but the dogs didn’t react.

“Dogs are acting crazy again?” Clif raised an eyebrow and looked at Jared with a mocking grin on his face. 

Jared rolled his eyes as an answer. “I don’t know what they have with this room, man. There’s nothing in there. Never has been since I moved here.”

“Mice?” Clif suggested helpfully.

Jared shook his head. “Nah, I checked that. There’s nothing in there. But they’re still acting like they’re looking for something.” 

Jared gave up waiting for the dogs and wandered back into the room, tying on their leashes and taking them out of the house with him. 

Harley and Sadie safely tucked into their cages in the backseat of Clif’s car, Jared took his seat next to the driver.

“Can we go?” Clif asked, clearly waiting for Jared to answer. 

Jared didn’t. 

His eyes darting out of the window, he frowned when a sudden, alarming feeling washed over him. “I ... I don’t know.” I think I forgot something, he thought to himself. Jared didn’t say that out loud, because rationally, he knew that he hadn't forgotten anything. He had the dogs and their bag for the dogsitter, and his own stuff, which wasn’t that much anyway. But the feeling stayed.

“Yeah, we can go.” Jared shook his head as if to get rid of the confusing feeling inside him. 

Clif shot him a calculating look, but started the car and drove off. “So, busy day?” he asked casually and Jared felt himself starting to relax.

“Nah, not really. Just the meeting with Eric, talking about the new season and stuff and then I have an appointment with Dr. Moira. And Chad’s coming tonight.”

Clif grinned knowingly. “Ahh, partying before shooting starts again?”

Jared laughed with the other man but shook his head. “No, not partying. I’m not really in the mood. Just hanging out with a friend, before we’ll both be too busy to see each other.”

The mood in the car turned serious again, like a switch, and Clif cleared his throat before he started to speak. “So how is it going with Dr. Moira?” His tone was hesitant and his eyes flickered from Jared to the street in front of him and back. “Sorry, none of my business,” he said when Jared didn’t answer.

“No, no! It’s okay. It’s just ... .” Jared let out a deep sigh and rubbed his eyes. “It doesn’t feel like we’re making any progress, you know?”

Clif nodded. “Just give it some time, man.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jared tried for a smile but it didn’t reach his eyes.

~+++~

“Jared! Take a seat, please.” Her voice was light, her face open and friendly and she smiled up to Jared when he entered the room.

“Hallo, Dr. Moira.” Jared did what he was told and took the chair opposite to her. He squirmed a bit, having problems trying to find the right sitting position and it had nothing to do with his tall frame. He didn’t like it there. Didn’t even know if he liked Dr. Moira, but that was probably just because of what she was, because of the reason he was there.

She smiled when she noticed his discomfort. There probably weren`t many people who liked to be there. “How are you feeling today?”

“Uhm, okay. I’m okay.” He didn’t sound convincing and Jared was well aware of that, but Dr. Moira let him get away with it.

“So, shooting is going to start soon?”

Jared nodded.

“How do you feel about that?” She looked at him, all business like and Jared couldn’t help but think that she must have learned that look somewhere, the glasses on the tip of her nose, her legs crossed, pad on her knees, and a pen in her hand. She looked like her own caricature, like a psychologist from a comic book where everything was a little more exaggerated than it was in reality.

“I’m excited. I’m really ... I can’t wait. I mean, I like having time off and being able to see my family and my friends. But I love my job and it’s gonna be a kick ass season and I can’t wait to start.”

“Jared,” she said in a voice that made him look up. “No prepared answers here. I’m not a journalist, I’m a psychologist. Tell me how you feel about it.”

“I am excited,” Jared made clear. “It’s just ... . Eric’s gonna cast another lead. Like a brother to Sam or something. He thinks it’ll give the show another cool twist, a new dynamic. He wants to put everything he can into the last season.”

“And you’re worried about that? Or are you looking forward to it? Being the only lead of a show asks a lot of work and responsibility from you. But another lead could mean trouble, changes in a routine you have had for years. And he can steal some of your well earned spotlight.”

She gave him a curious look, her pen ready, writing down everything that his answer would tell her about his problems.

Jared squirmed again, felt awkward and ... naked under her gaze. “No. You’ve got it all wrong. I’m not worried,” he explained. “The thing is I should be. Because of all the things you said, I should be angry and worried. But I’m not. Honestly, I can’t wait. I can’t wait to have someone else on the show, someone to share all this with. It’s like it should have been this way all along.”

“Are you lonely?”

Jared flinched. That was the question he’d always been scared of having to answer. He felt weak and pathetic even thinking about it. Being lonely. All his life, the concept of feeling lonely was something he didn’t understand. He had his family, his friends, there had always been people who loved him and Jared hadn’t even spared a moment thinking about how it was like to feel lonely. 

“Yeah. Maybe I am,” he admitted weakly.

“How long have you and your girlfriend been separated? Sandy, right?”

“A year and half. Little ... little more than that.”

“And after her?”

“I’ve been dating a girl from the show for awhile. But that didn’t work out.”

“Is that what you’re missing? The partnership?”

Jared took a deep breath, let his eyes wander through the room, and avoided looking at her. “I ... yeah, of course, I miss that. But not ... that’s not it. I mean, yeah, I miss having a girlfriend. But it doesn’t feel like that’s what I’ve been missing.”

“What are you missing? Do you know that?”

Jared shrugged, finally meeting her eyes. “No. I guess that’s why I’m here.”

 

“Tell me about your dreams.”

Jared felt almost relieved at the change of topic. “They haven’t stopped. I’m dreaming about him every night,” he answered truthfully.

“Do you know who he is?”

“No. But I can see him, you know? I mean, in dreams ... normally you try to look at something closer and it all is suddenly a blur.” He tried to explain it to her, running his fingers softly over his own jawline, to make her understand. “But not with him. I can see his face clearly. But I don’t know him.”

“Does he have a name? Do you call him something in your dreams?”

Jared shook his head. “No. He’s just ... there. And I know him in my dreams. I know him really well. We’re shooting together, I mean, he’s on the show with me and he’s living in my house.”

It felt weird, talking about it. Those dreams felt so intimate, so ... personal, that it didn’t feel good to share them with someone else. To have someone analyze them. Analyze him.

Jared sighed again, rubbing over his face. This was what he was there for.

“What do you do in your dreams?” Dr. Moira didn’t change her position once. Just kept writing down lots and lots of words and Jared wondered if she was ever going to tell him what was wrong with him. Or if she just let him talk and didn’t even know.

“Nothing special. Working, playing video games, going out for dinner, hanging out,” he answered.

“How do you feel about him?”

Jared frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Do you feel good around him? Does he scare you?”

“No, oh god, no!” Jared hurried to explain. “I feel ... awesome with him. He’s like ... my best friend or something.”

“Do you have sexual feelings for him?”

Jared stared at her for a moment, waiting for a small smile or something else that told him she was making a joke. But her face stayed indifferent, looking up to him, waiting patiently for an answer.

“I’m not gay,” he declared.

She gave him a smile then, putting down her pen for a moment. “I didn’t say you were. And even if you had such feelings, it wouldn’t necessarily mean that you’re gay. He could just stand for something in your life that you want or miss. It’s just a dream, Jared. Dreams are not real.”

~+++~

I’m nervous. Or it’s more like excited, with a tingling anticipation running through my veins and I tap on my jeans while looking outside. It’s dark, sometime after midnight.

A smile breaks across my face when I hear a car stop in front of the house, the headlights illuminating part of the driveway. Just a few more seconds until I can hear someone walking up to the house, and suddenly, Harley and Sadie are next to me, tripping over each other while running to the door.

“Hey.”

He’s inside now, the bags he brought with him are standing on the floor next to the kitchen and the dogs have calmed down enough that he can look up at me and walk towards me without the fear of running over one of them. 

“Hey,” he says back with a smile, tired and exhausted, but it still brightens his face and makes his eyes sparkle.

Something shifts inside me.

Something small and sweet, vaguely familiar but better, stronger, than I have ever felt it before. I can't breathe for a second, but then I shove that feeling far away and let my eyes rest on his face.

“Aww, come on, I know you want it.” He smirks and I know he’s just teasing because that is what he does, and I know that because I know him. 

I laugh and nod and close the distance between us, wrapping my arms around him. 

He feels good, warm and familiar, strong in my arms, even if I’m the taller one and the more built now. I know it wasn’t always this way. Well, taller, of course, but before I was lean and thin, not having these broad shoulders I have now. And I know he’d been the stronger one before and I don’t know why I know that since I can’t recall a memory that tells me that. It’s simply a knowledge that is there, just like the feeling that we already shared a lifetime together.

Like the feeling that we're right where we belong, in each other’s arms.

I step back and let him go, blushing lightly at the thoughts running through my head. 

I know what it is now. I know the feeling. But it’s not something I want to think about just yet. It’s too early, too new, too fresh and the happiness that always comes with such a realization is still too strong to be replaced by the fear and uncertainty that inevitably will come.

But for now I just look at him and smile and I don’t think I can’t hide how happy I am.

His face just lights up even more when he looks at me and he doesn’t move, just looks, until the dogs threaten to dig through his bags, their noses already buried somewhere in them, and the moment is broken.

We walk over and grab the bags before the kids can do anymore damage and move them into the bedroom on the ground floor, his room, the dogs in tow. 

“Where’s Chad?” he asks, raising an eyebrow, while he starts to unpack his bags. I know that he doesn’t like to keep his clothes in a bag for too long, even if it’s the middle of the night, and it’s simply one of the things I just know.

“Upstairs, sleeping in the guest room,” I answer.

“Party-boy gettin’ old, huh?” He smirks and I can’t help myself grinning back and my heart rate speeds up again.

“So why are you up?”

“Waiting for you to come home.” 

He looks up to me and smiles brightly and I don’t know if he knows that I'm not joking.

~+++~

It burned. Jared tried to open his eyes, tried to find out where he was, because he was standing somewhere, definitely standing, not in his bed and dreaming. But his lungs were about to burst and he was so desperately trying to get some air and nothing happened. 

He was making noises. He knew that. With all the heavy intakes of breath he was trying to do, he was making a lot of noise, but he couldn’t hear anything, couldn’t hear himself. He felt like a blind and deaf man, suffocating. He felt like he was drowning.

Then there were hands on him. On his shoulders. He could feel them, clutching him, shaking him. 

The slap to his face was what brought him back. 

Jared opened his eyes and at the same time, fresh air was filling his lungs.

It took some time until he could recognize what he saw in front of him. Until his eyes had found the connection to his mind and he could realize that it was Chad standing in front of him and that it had been Chad who had slapped him ... awake.

“Dude.” Chad panted as if he had been the one suffocating. His eyes were huge and he was clutching onto a phone, watching Jared with a shocked expression. “You need me to call 911 or something?”

Chad’s voice sounded weird, like far away, like ... the silence was louder than him.

Jared shook his head, both to answer the question and to clear his mind. To come back from wherever his dreams had taken him this time.

Just then he was able to take in the situation in front of him and his heart, that was slowly calming down, sped up again.

“So you’re sleepwalking now?” Chad looked more scared than angry, but he still managed to sound accusing.

“I ... I don’t know.” He looked around. His dogs were standing next to Chad, their tails down, like they were worried ... or scared. Looking up to their daddy like they were waiting for an explanation.

“Dude, I thought you said you were seeing this doctor!”

Jared couldn’t keep up with Chad. His mind was still trying to come to terms with where he was. The empty room. Right in the middle. Right were he had been standing in his dream, talking to the guy he had fallen in lo... oh god. 

“I am,” he replied, his voice nothing more than a whisper.

“Well didn’t she tell you what to do not to end up choking to death in your sleep?!”

“She obviously can’t help me!” Jared shouted back, frightening the dogs and Chad. 

“Dude, don’t say that,” Chad whispered, his eyes huge.

“What if it’s true?” Jared looked down to his friend, raising his hands in question. “I don’t even know what the hell is wrong with me! How can she help me?”

“Because finding out what’s wrong is her fucking job!”

“It’s just ... it’s getting worse and worse and I don’t even know what ‘it’ is.”

Chad stared at him, silent. And that more than anything told Jared that he had really scared him.

“I’m not ... ,”Chad started and his voice was filled with anger and fear and worry. “Dude, promise me you’ll try. I’m not gonna watch you like that again. This damn hospital ... If you end up there again, I’m not gonna come visit.”

Jared met his eyes and knew that his friend meant it. The last time had been ... too much for him.

Jared cleared his throat. “I’ll try. I promise.”


	4. part one, chapter two

~+++~

“Dude, your dogs are weird,” Chad stated while he lead Harley and Sadie out of the empty room for the second time that day.

“I told you not to let them in there.” Jared’s reply was weak and exhausted but his dogs acting crazy was one of the more minor problems in his head.

He could feel him.

Like the first minutes after a very intense dream, when every feeling, if it was fear or joy, would linger by your side until you got up and were fully awake.

But it was late afternoon and the presence still hadn’t gone. It blanketed Jared like a warm, calming shadow and as much as Jared wished that it was gone out of his dreams, out of his life, so he could go back to normal; he was so scared to lose this.

“Ready to go?” 

Chad’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he looked up, meeting Chad's eyes. “Sure.”

Getting his shoes on, he tried to forget the expression on his friend’s face, something between anger, frustration and worry. He had seen this look on Chad's face way too often lately. Five days had passed since Chad had found him sleepwalking in the empty room and it had happened twice since then. 

“Dude, get going already, I’m fucking starving!” Chad shouted from somewhere near the car. 

Jared just nodded and locked the door behind him. The cool wind helped a little to clear his mind, but it wasn’t able to shake the presence off of him. 

So, after a few steps, it happened again.

Jared stopped and looked back to the house, the intense, sudden feeling of loss creeping up on him again.

“You’re dogs are gonna be fine, dude. You've left them alone for a couple of hours before.”

Jared startled when Chad’s voice was close to him and when he turned around, he found Chad standing not two feet behind him.

“Yeah, I ... I thought I forgot ... .” But there was no point in finishing that sentence and Jared just walked over to the car and got in, not meeting Chad’s eyes this time.

~+++~

“You prefer a certain table, Sir?” The waiter looked up to Jared expectantly.

“Yeah, we would like the one next to the fish tank, if it’s free.”

“Of course, please follow me.”

“Dude,” Chad whispered while they were both following the waiter to the table that was a little further away from the others and hidden from sight by the oversized fish tank next to it, “you come here often, or what?”

“No, not really.” He had been here twice, once with his family and the other time with Genevieve. Both times they had had tables on the other end of the restaurant.

Chad was grinning as he took the seat opposite to Jared. “So you just have mad room examination skills, huh?”

Jared just shrugged and smiled and he didn’t need anyone to tell him that smiling didn't happen so much to him anymore.

 

"Hey, isn't that ... ." Chad nodded to a point behind Jared and Jared turned around, trying to see who Chad was talking about.

"Yeah, that's Michael Rosenbaum," he answered as soon as he had turned back again.

Chad rolled his eyes. "Dude, I know who Mike Rosenbaum is. I meant, isn't he the guy that found you that day?" 

Jared nodded slowly, avoiding Chad's eyes. He hated talking about that time. He would have loved to absolutely forget that it ever happened, but the people around him, everyone who loved him, didn't make it that easy.

"He was driving with Welling. They wanted to go out that night, to a local bar. And Welling somehow decided to ask me to join." Jared shrugged. "We don't even know each other that well. Just been in the same movie a while ago and seen each other on network events."

Chad examined him for a while and turned serious. "I'm glad they did, man." Then he flashed a smile. "Be right back."

Jared watched his friend leaving the table and when he passed Michael Rosenbaum just three tables behind them, Jared watched Chad stop, bend down to the other man and say something to him. Michael smiled and nodded and Chad clapped him on the shoulder before he made his way to the rest rooms.

Five seconds later and Michael Rosenbaum was sitting across Jared, grinning at him.

"It's good to see you, man. How's it going?" 

Jared grinned back. He really didn't know Michael Rosenbaum. But given the few times he'd met him, he couldn't help but like the guy. He reminded him a little of Chad.

"I'm great, thanks. How are you?"

"I'm cool. Just visiting the cold north to say hi to some friends."

"What did Chad say to you back there?"

"That blonde guy?"

Jared nodded.

"He thanked me for saving your ass."

Jared nodded again. He wasn't quite sure what to say. "Yeah, well. I'm really thankful too, you know?" When he had returned back home from the hospital, he had called Mike and already thanked him back then. But he hadn't met him since.

Mike laughed. "It's no big deal, man. Your dogs were barking so loud, if we hadn't found you, some neighbor would have for sure."

"Yeah, I know. But ... I'm kinda glad it was you."

Jared felt how the mood changed at the table, felt how serious it turned so suddenly. Mike was looking at him like he was deciding something and neither said a word for a while.

"I ... look," Mike started. "You do have my number, right?"

Jared frowned and nodded. He still had it in his cell.

"I know this might sound weird to you since we don't know each other and all that, but ... but if you need anything, you know you can call me. I mean it."

Jared was surprised. He was staring at Mike like he was waiting for a punch line. But it never came. "Uhm, ... thank you, man."

"I know this sounds ... weird. But I kinda feel like ... I know you. I got the feeling you're a great guy and ... . You know Tom is not that well lately and I don't feel ... look, all I`m saying, when everything's turning a little crazy, you might need a friend right? I mean, I'm sure you got some but ... ."

Mike stopped himself and looked up, blushing, and he looked as confused as Jared felt. "Okay, before this can get any weirder and even more gay - which I'm soo not by the way - the creepy guy will leave now." He tried a grin and got up, heading for his table.

"Mike, wait." 

Mike stopped when Jared called for him, turning around.

"Uhm, thank you. I get it ... what you were saying. It's weird, but I think I know what you mean. In a totally un-gay way," he added, smirking and Mike rolled his eyes and grinned back. 

"See ya around, dude," he shouted back to Jared when he was already back on his table.

Jared turned around and sighed. The really weird thing was, that he did know what Mike had been talking about. And Jared had no idea where that feeling came from.

~+++~

I laugh so hard, tears are running down my face. He is driving and I can see that he’s trying to keep his eyes on the road instead of looking at me and he’s biting his lip not to burst out laughing as well. 

“Dude, you've had way too much wine.” He shakes his head in mocking annoyance.

We hear a groan from the backseat and it just causes me to laugh even harder.

“You guys suck at life,” Chad mumbles from behind us and I can see him covering his eyes with one hand and making a pained face. “I should have stayed with Mike and his friends. They would have been way more fun than you guys are. You’re worse than every married couple I’ve ever met. Just remind me never to go out with you two ever again.”

He says it with so much pain that I almost feel sorry for him, but I can’t stop laughing, even if I don’t remember why I had started anyway.

I try to calm down a little and look out of the window, watching the cars next to us and the people we pass on the street. 

Time passes by and the mood in the car calms down, nobody's talking anymore and he drives us through the familiar streets back home.

I take a deep breath, my eyes closed, and I can feel the smile on my face even before I open my eyes again and can see it reflected in the window. I feel good. This ... is good. Nothing spectacular, just a couple of friends having dinner in a restaurant, spending time together, having fun. It's one of the rare moments in time when I just know that my life is good and that I'm truly happy. 

I turn around when I feel a warm hand on my knee and he is nodding to the backseat. I move my head and I catch Chad, sprawled over the backseat, mouth hanging open and fast asleep.

I laugh silently at the funny picture my friend makes and I turn back to find him still grinning at me. 

His hand still lingers on my knee.

~+++~

Jared awoke with a yell and a cry and it took a moment until he blinked his eyes open and took in his surroundings. 

Chad was staring at him, trying to handle the car and the fear of Jared losing it right next to him.

“Oh, God,” Jared exhaled and his voice sounded strange in his own ears, the sound not quite reaching him. “Oh, god,” he whispered again and put his hands on his heart, clutching it with all he had like he could prevent it from getting ripped open. Like he could stop the pain stabbing him like a burning knife.

“Jesus, Jared, are you okay?” Chad was horrified, his voice taking on a shrieking sound, panicked.

“Yeah.” Jared nodded. Nodded again and again and was still grimacing, trying to stop the tears from spilling but being helpless against too much force, tearing up his insides like it was nothing, no effort. 

“Bad … dream?” Chad joked but sounded shaky enough that Jared thought he was about to cry as well.

No. 

Jared shook his head.

How could he explain this? How could he tell his friend that all these dreams that made him wake up like he was suffocating, like he was goddamn dying, weren’t bad at all? That waking up from them was what was killing Jared?

“It’s okay.”

Chad stared at him. As long as simultaneously watching the street in front of them would allow him. His eyes were huge and concerned and Jared did all he could to get a grip on himself.

Wiping his hand over his eyes and drying his tears, he took in a shaky breath and tried to focus on his breathing. On fighting the pain that was threatening to rip out his heart.

“You’re not okay,” Chad stated silently and this time it sounded like he was finally getting something he didn’t before. “Jesus, Jay, there’s something seriously wrong. And that doctor chick is not helping!”

Jared didn’t know if Chad’s anger was directed at him or at Dr. Moira.

“God, you’d have to be afraid of falling asleep. Your nights have to be horrible!”

“No, Chad, no!” Jared protested, his voice still hoarse. “These dreams … they’re good dreams.”

Chad shot him a sideway glance and this time the anger was directed at him. “You told me you couldn’t remember.”

Jared let out a defeated sigh. They were stopping on a red light and Chad switched his attention completely to Jared and this time, Jared caved.

“I remember everything. Always.” He looked away, unable to meet Chad’s eyes and he was relieved when the light turned green and Chad had to focus on the street again.

“I … I dream about a guy.”

Jared heard Chad make an indefinable sound. 

“We’re not … he’s not … .” He felt his cheek turn pink when he thought how he had felt in those dreams. That he couldn’t be as sure about the ‘nots’ as he should have been. 

“He’s a friend. Like a best friend. I feel … in those dreams I feel so … good, so happy. He’s making me feel like that. And waking up … it hurts so goddamn much because I’m losing that.”

Jared closed his eyes, recalling the image of the blonde man with that deep smile. “There are times that … I wish nothing more than him being real.”

Jared only dared to open his eyes again, when he felt the car stop and Chad was out of it and slamming the door shut before Jared could even register that they had arrived his house.

“Hey, what’s wrong with you?” Jared shouted after him, watching his friend storm up to the front door.

He only caught him when he was already inside the house, using the spare keys he had given him awhile ago. 

“Dude, what’s wrong with you?” Jared asked him again, holding on to his wrist and forcing Chad to look up to him.

He looked angry, really angry, his nose flaring and his jaw clenching. “I may not be the poster boy of a best friend, Jared. But I’m goddamn trying.” With that he turned around and vanished upstairs, going for his room and slamming the door shut again. 

And Jared let him, knowing that he had hurt his best friend over wanting someone who was not even real.

~+++~

Chad left the next morning, left for good, punishing Jared with nothing but a silent glare and then he had his bags in his hands and was out of the house before Jared could even attempt an apology again. Jared knew he had fucked up. But his head was a mess, too much swirling around, that Chad being angry was, sadly, just one thing among others. 

He couldn't get rid of the sadness. A sadness so deep he didn't know where it was coming from. He was on the edge of tears all the time, not even knowing why. His life was great, nothing had changed so badly that would justify the change in him. But it was there, that change; like Jared had lost something so important, so crucial, that even if his conscious didn't know what it was, his subconscious was slowly dying of the loss.

"Jared, can we start?" The new guest-director looked up to him, a mixture of annoyance and confusion on his face. They were already five hours into the shoot, and the day wasn't going so well. Eric had wanted to shoot that episode, the very first of the new season, but he was still trying to find the second lead, trying to find a brother for Sam. 

Jared had been looking forward to work with Eric again but instead there was a new face on the director's chair and Jared couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed. 

He straightened up, let his head roll from side to side, before he nodded. He didn't have the reputation to be not one-hundred percent focused on his job. He wouldn't start now. 

"Okay, on your marks, people," the director shouted and clapped his hands. Eliza, the guest actress for the next three episodes, gave Jared a short smile and took position.

Jared took a deep breath. He liked her. He liked working with her and she made it very easy on him, even though he was not fun to be around these days. He returned her smile and went to his marks too.

Then he looked down, to his tape, to hers, and a sudden pain jolted through his heart and he gasped, grabbed his heart.

"Jared, are you okay?" Eliza frowned at him.

Blue.

Blue tapes.

Jared looked up, struggling to keep his breathing even, to keep himself under control.

"Blue," he simply said, not even aware that he wasn't making any sense to anyone around him.

"Blue what?" She whispered, making some steps to him.

"Jared, you okay?" The director was at his side now too and Jared felt crowded, felt lost, so damn lost and he couldn't see straight, think straight.

"Blue marks. There is ... you're using blue tapes."

"Yeah?" The director and Eliza were exchanging a look but Jared didn't even notice. 

"Don't." Jared looked at him, this feeling of loss so deep, so strong, he could barely breathe.

"I don't understand." The director gave him a confused look, shaking his head.

"Don't use the blue tapes! They're not ... they belong to ... ." Jared shouted and Eliza and the director both startled and looked shocked. 

"Please, don't," he added, whispering and his voice shook with unshed tears. 

"Why not? Jared, I don't understand, they're just ... tapes."

"Hey, Walter."

Jared turned around at the familiar voice.

"Just change the damn tapes, okay?" Kim Manners said, his voice serious but gentle. The guest-director nodded and stepped away, and Jared couldn't miss the relieved look on his face.

Someone else was handling the crazy guy.

Jared buried his head in his hands and shuddered. He was losing it. He was going crazy. There was no denying it. And everyone knew. Everyone knew about the crazy actor now.

"Jared." Kim's voice was soft, one hand on Jared's shoulder, and Jared met kind and caring eyes when he looked up again.

"Take a break in your trailer. We're gonna send a PA in when we need you again. Try to clear your head or get some sleep, okay?"

"Okay," Jared whispered and nodded. He turned around, heading for his trailer, clearly feeling Kim's and Eliza's eyes on his back and all he wanted was to hide in his trailer and never come back out.

~+++~

I watch him take position at his mark and he smirks when he catches me. I grin back.

The scene is shot just after two takes and a close-up and it feels good to be on set again, to work again and I can see it on everybody’s face, how enthralled they are. 

Eric is shouting instructions like gunfire, more like a photographer than a director, and everybody takes it the way he means it, works harder, gives even more.

It’s ecstasy. It’s like a thrill running up my nerves and when I look at him, him, I can see he feels the same way. 

My heart is pounding when his eyes focus on me. The green so intense, like he’s sparkling. But that’s maybe just because we’re back on set, back in the minds of the characters we created, we put our souls in, we love.

 

We cover a lot of work that day and before I even know it, I find myself in my trailer, the sun already down, feeling sore and aching and wonderful.

He’s there, like he always is, sitting on the couch in my trailer and moving his neck and groaning in pain but I can see the joy on his face. He’s just as happy as I am.

I flop down next to him, moan overdramatically and he chuckles. The sound tingles in my ear.

“My neck hurts like a bitch,” he says and he closes his eyes and rubs his temples, still moving his head from one side to the other like it could ease the pain.

“Let me,” I say and it’s more like a whisper. I reach out and put my hand on his neck, slowly massaging down and over his shoulder and he groans out.

It feels familiar. There’s no particular memory that comes to my mind, but I know I’ve done this a lot and so it doesn’t feel weird at all. I'm just helping a friend, helping him with the pain and I’m awesome with my hands. I have huge, awesome hands. 

I start laughing and that’s when I think that maybe I’m a little too hyped up on energy and exhaustion all at the same time. 

“What’s up?” He looks over to me, lips turned into a smile.

“I have awesome hands.”

He giggles, and just because I’m awesome in general and we’re both tired as hell, I let that slide. 

“Yes, you have great hands,” he states matter-of-factly.

I grin at him. “I should get paid for them.”

He nods, keeps a straight face. He’s used to play along with my jokes so much that sometimes, I don’t know if he knows I’m joking.

“I could pay you more rent,” he offers and hisses when I hit a rough spot.

“Deal,” I answer, but I’m distracted already. Distracted by the way his eyes flutter close and I don’t know what makes me track that movement of his tongue, licking his lips, but suddenly I do. I watch him. I study the way his eyelashes fan out over his cheeks; the way his lips curve in a certain way and the way his skin feels under my hand.

His velvety soft skin.

This is when I realize that I’m no longer massaging him. My hand had started a featherlight caress. My fingertips ghost over his neck, touch right under his ear and then they start playing with his hair, feeling the soft strands, gliding through them again and again. 

I watch my hand do all that and I’m so occupied with the way he feels under my fingertips, that I only realize what I’m doing when I feel him shudder.

I pull my hand away like it got burned, my eyes huge when they meet his. The green is darker now, deeper, and I don’t know when I started noticing things like the color of his eyes, but I do now.

~+++~

It happened the same way it always did. The pain in his chest, crushing his lungs to the point where Jared thought for a brief moment that he was going to die. The lack of noise around him while he felt like screaming. The shock of waking up from the dream.

He rolled off the couch in his trailer, tried to get onto his feet while he kept struggling for air. 

"Jared, are you okay?" 

Jared felt a hand on his arm before he realized that the words had been clear as a bell.

He blinked and focused on the person in front of him. "Who the hell are you?" 

Greedily breathing in the sweet, fresh air, he was looking down to the girl who was in return looking up to him with wide eyes.

"I'm ..., I'm Nona, new PA. Kim sent me in to get you and then I heard you falling down on the floor." She didn't move, stood completely still and waited for any reaction from Jared.

Jared nodded. "Okay. I'm ... I'll be right out."

"You sure you're okay?" She didn't sound convinced and Jared couldn't really blame her.

But he was okay. The sounds were back like they had never been gone and he could breathe without any problems. He nodded again.

"I'm okay. Just gimme a second and I'll be back on set."

"Okay." She gave him a small smile and left his trailer.

Jared watched her go and then his mind wandered back to the dream. The dream. His heart rate sped up again when he thought about what had happened, about what he had felt.

He closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to get rid of the baffling feeling. But it didn't work. It was still there when Jared was sitting in the Impala, facing another demon of the week.

~+++~

It was late. After a day like that Jared was sure he should have been in his bed, sleeping, resting at least.

But he was wide awake, walking around in his house aimlessly, his dogs trotting after him, loyal like always. He was looking for something to do, for something he could keep his hands and his mind busy, but it was a lost cause. 

Jared was thinking about calling Dr. Moira. Asking her about the medication she had talked about. He thought about calling Chad, about apologizing to him for everything he had said, trying to explain.

Sitting on his couch, Harley and Sadie finally resting to his feet, the number he called was Sandy's.

_"Hello? Jared?"_

"Hey, Sandy," he said and felt better immediately just from hearing her voice.

_"Baby, what's wrong?"_

He smiled at her words. She still called him that when she was worried and it didn't even feel strange. Just like she still cared about him. Just simply like love.

"I just ... I wanted to talk to someone."

 _"Sure, just gimme a second."_

He listened to her walking somewhere, closing a door, sitting down.

 _"I'm here, baby."_

Jared had to clench his jaw not to start crying at her words. The loss he felt, the loss that was always present, wherever he turned, whatever he did, it was stronger now, and in a weird way, not so painful at the same time.

"Sandy, I ... I don't know. I don't feel too good," he admitted, closing his eyes.

_"I know, Jared. Your momma called me. And I spoke to Chad. Tell me what I can do. Tell me."_

It wasn't new that Jared's mother had called Sandy without telling him. And not even that Chad called her. After the three days he had spent in the hospital, Jared was well aware of how worried everyone was around him. 

"Sandy, why didn't it work between us?"

He heard her make a soft cry. _"Baby ... ."_ She sounded pained.

"No, wait. I don't mean it like that," he stopped her. They both had passed the time when they were still hoping for things to go back to what they had, where they were thinking that it was what they wanted.

"I just," he continued, "I remember something you said to me once. And I didn't listen to you back then, but now I remember. It was something about me looking for someone else."

 _"No, baby, don't get me wrong,"_ she immediately answered. _"I never accused you of cheating on me. I know you would never have done that. And I don't ..., I don't even think you were aware of that."_

"Of what?"

_"That you ... it felt like you were waiting for someone else. Not better, just ... baby, I'm not thinking that you were just holding on to me and secretly looking for someone better than me, okay? All the time it just felt like we weren't meant to be together. Like there was someone else waiting for you, someone you might not even have met."_

Jared felt his heartbeat in his chest; stronger, faster. He felt his throat tighten and a familiar tingle in his neck, like anticipation, like fear, like knowing.

"Sandy, why are you ... is there a reason ... why are you saying 'someone else'? Why not 'some other woman'? Why 'someone else'?"

He heard her taking a shaking breath, heard her struggle for words.

_"Oh my god, baby, you found him?"_

~+++~


	5. part one, chapter three

~+++~

"I'm not gay!" Jared exclaimed, his chest heaving like he was angry and confused.

"I would like you to sit down, Jared, before we start our session." Dr. Moira's tone was polite but with a note to it that Jared didn't dare to disobey.

He took his usual chair, but couldn't sit still; his hands nervously tapping on his rocking legs.

"Did something happen?" Dr. Moira sat down as well, taking her pen in one hand and looking at Jared expectingly.

"I'm not gay!" Jared repeated vehemently. "First you and your ... your question and then Sandy called and ... and accused me of waiting for another guy!"

Dr. Moira raised an eyebrow. "She accused you?"

Jared sighed and all the anger that had raged in him suddenly vanished into thin air. "No," he answered truthfully. "She didn't accuse me. She's just thinking that I fell in love with another guy. Or that I will. I don't even know. I don't think I understood her."

"Did you ask?" 

Jared shook his head. Jared had hung up on her. Right after that meaningful sentence. He hadn’t been more ready to face the significance behind her words than he was ready for it now.

 

"Jared, I want to talk about the dreams again." She waited until she had his full attention.

"What do you wanna know?"

"We've talked about how you feel in the dreams. Now I want you to tell me how you feel about them now, or when you wake up."

He sat up nervously in his chair, shifting and avoiding her eyes and it didn't take a psychiatrist to see that he didn't feel comfortable with that question.

"Jared?" 

"Now I feel ... normal, I guess. I mean, they're just dreams, right? Don't mean anything. Yeah, sometimes, I miss the way I feel in the dreams. Like ... good and carefree and ... you know?"

"What about right after the dreams?"

Jared briefly wondered if Dr. Moira could read minds or at least had some power to know things she never could have.

"I ... right after, it's kinda ... hard. Uhm, ... ," he blushed, thinking about what he was saying some minutes ago and didn't want the doctor to get the wrong idea. "I mean, it's weird. Because it kinda hurts. I really can't breathe properly at first and I don't hear any sounds for the first couple of minutes. It's getting better though," he added when he saw the alarming face the doctor made.

"The dreams do physically hurt you?" She asked again, just to be sure.

Jared shrugged. "Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" 

Jared could hear that she tried not to sound accusing, although she did, and Jared couldn't even blame her.

"Because that's the thing: I don't care. I don't care what I feel those few minutes. I wouldn't give up the dreams simply to not have that." Jared knew that she would probably add this to her list and that it made him even crazier in her eyes, but it was the truth. Even Chad had asked him if he wasn't scared of dreaming at night and the only answer to this was 'no'. He wasn't. The panic and the pain was so little when up against the sheer ... perfection of his dreams.

Dr. Moira didn't answer to that. She just bent down a little and took her notes, her face telling Jared nothing.

~+++~

Jared tossed the keys on the sideboard by the door right when he heard Clif drive away from the house. 

Another long day on set. Another exhausting shoot. Another time coming home all alone and thinking that there was something wrong about it.

Harley and Sadie were running up to him, showing him their excitement with wagging tails. But when Jared had taken off his shoes and jacket and had left for the kitchen, they were still standing in the hall, shooting expecting glances at the door.

Waiting for someone else.

The thought made Jared think of Sandy, made him think of her words and for a moment, Jared was sure that that was, what this was all about. That Sandy was right. That he was waiting for someone else.

But it wasn’t for someone to come into his life. It was for someone to come back.

Jared groaned and rubbed his eyes with his hands. Sometimes he wondered if Dr. Moira knew that he was crazy and was only waiting to find the right time to tell him … or lock him up somewhere.

The dogs were running around him, craving his attention, but all Jared wanted to do was go to bed and sleep and hope for … hope for a dream again.

Jared didn’t go that far to actually admit that he wanted to have these dreams, that he needed to have them. But the thought lingered at the back of his mind and was slowly getting closer to his conscious. 

He wanted him. He needed him.

 

Jared shook his head at the weird, absurd thoughts. After feeding his dogs and making sure his babies got their nowadays rare share of love, he made his way up the stairs.

He thought briefly of calling Jordan back who had left him two messages on his voice mail. But then the image of the way Chad had looked at him, hurt and angry, flared up in his mind and he decided not to take the chance of ruining another friendship. 

Not tonight. Not in the weird state he was in.

Going through the motions, Jared didn’t need much time to get ready for bed. His limbs felt heavy and he was more tired than normal after a day of shooting.

Just minutes after he had gone to bed, he fell asleep.

~+++~

I'm almost asleep when I hear my door being opened and I don't even have time to react before he is crawling onto my bed and sighing.

"Harley's been in m'bed. Dirty all over. Can't sleep 'n there."

I would laugh if I wasn't so goddamn tired and exhausted and I turn towards him, weakly pushing against him without opening my eyes and I manage to hit his shoulder. "Dude, I don't give a fuck, let me sleep."

"Clean it. It's your dog," he mumbles and this time I open my eyes and see him curled up on my bed, just bare inches away, eyes closed and already half asleep.

"'m not gonna clean your damn bed, man!" I try for angry and loud, but even to my ears I sound only tired.

"Wanna sleep, Jared," he whines and if he wasn't already five seconds from dropping out cold I'm sure he would pout and use his best pleading eyes to get me to do what he wants.

But the day was too damn long and I'm more than just tired and I don't care about anything anymore, so I just growl, wriggle my covers from under him and put them around us both.

When I'm settled again, he's already fast asleep.

 

I wake up because something is different. I'm pretty sure that I have gone to bed alone last night, but now I feel a warm body next to me.

It takes time before my mind catches up and clues me in to that little episode right before I had fallen asleep.

He's still sleeping. I know it because I can feel the slow, rhythmic breathing right against my neck. He's not pressed closed to me, not all the way. But his head is lying against my shoulder and one hand is resting on my hip and I tell myself absentmindedly that if he had been drooling all over my shirt I had so much ammunition to mock him with later, that it would last for the next month.

Then he shifts slightly, his lips brushing my skin and I'm suddenly wide awake.

His breathing shifts but I don't think he's fully conscious. I don't think he knows what he's doing.

Because his lips linger on my skin. Unconsciously or not, he's rubbing his soft, dry lips against my neck, slowly, and he's making a small contented sound, almost like a purr.

I don't move. My heart rate is speeding up but my whole body stays still, not daring to move. I don't know if I want this to happen. I don't know if I want this to stop.

All I can think about is the soft press of his lips against my throat, his nose buried in my hair, his eyelashes tickling my skin. 

Then I can feel his tongue. Wet and hot against my neck, he's licking small patterns into my skin; small, tiny licks, like he's tasting me.

I draw in a sharp breath and both my hands are clutching the sheets. 

It feels ... god, it feels good. 

I'm still not sure if he knows what he's doing and who he's doing it to, but I feel my brain already shutting down and my body taking over. 

His hand on my hips start to move. It starts a slow caress, almost innocent; fingertips followed by a warm, flat palm, rubbing over my skin and I'm biting my lip and try not to moan out loud.

It's when his teeth are gently biting down on my earlobe that the alarm clock goes off and ends everything.

~+++~

The panic didn’t come this time. 

Jared woke up in his bed, lying flat on his back, his legs tangled up in the sheets. And achingly hard.

He didn’t hear anything for the first minutes, just like always, but he could concentrate on his breathing this time. The shock about what he had been dreaming about was so much bigger than waking up from it.

There was no way that Jared could deny anymore that he had been turned on by the dream. By him. 

His presence still lingered by his side, literally lingered, like all Jared had to do was to reach out and he would feel the soft, warm skin under his hands immediately.

For a brief second, just before realization took over that he was thinking about a guy, all he wished for was that it could be real.

 

When he finally called Mike after the morning run with the dogs and a long shower (where he took care of his … business, trying not to think about the guy from his dreams but failing completely), it wasn’t nearly as awkward as it should have been.

“Hey, uhm … this is Jared.”

 _“Dude, hey!”_ he heard Mike laughing on the other end. _“Knew you’d call.”_

“Yeah, well … .” Jared hadn’t really thought about what he was going to say, just had called the number and had reached Mike before he could back out.

_“You got plans for tonight? Tom and I are going to hang at his house, Jamie, uhm, that’s Tom’s wife, is out for the weekend. You comin’ or what?”_

Jared had agreed surprisingly fast and when he had hung up, directions to Tom’s house written down, he shook off the weird feeling of ‘this is familiar’ and tried to concentrate on something else.

~+++~

Jared didn't know why he was even here. He didn't know these guys. Except from shooting a small amount of time with Tom and a weird visit from both of the guys in hospital while he still had been ... unresponsive, they had never been hanging out together or talked much.

But Jared found himself still pretty buzzed on Tom's sofa, nursing his third or fourth or fifth beer and playing Halo against Mike, who was commenting every move and screaming at him like crazy. He found himself having fun. Feeling right.

"Hey, got you another beer," Tom interrupted Jared briefly and Jared just reached out and took the offered bottle. 

"Mike?" Tom called, but Mike didn't look up, his tongue darting out of his mouth in concentration. "Just put it on the table."

Trying to see the screen through Mike’s flailing limbs, 'he's worse than me', Jared thought, both men looked up to Tom when he didn't move.

"Hm," he stated with a frown on his face.

"What's up, Tommy? Forgot how to move a bottle all the way up to your mouth?" Mike was grinning.

"I brought four bottles," Tom answered and then added, "but we're just three people."

"Jeez," Mike made, while Jared started laughing, "sometimes your intelligence scares me."

Mike looked all serious and Tom was glaring at him, while Jared was throwing his head back and laughing like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. He couldn't remember the last time he had had so much fun. He knew he was unfair and mean to Chad, but Chad always seemed so worried the last couple of weeks and Jared felt like he could finally breathe for a moment.

"Come on, Rosey, lets get on with the game," he called on Mike, getting back into a sitting position.

"Rosey," Mike asked with a raised eyebrow. "Dude, where the hell did you get that name from?"

For a brief second Jared feared that he had overstepped something, but then Mike's grin grew and he patted Jared's knee. "You're so totally welcome to call me whatever you want, bitch. Okay, let's get on with it and then I'll show you how to kick some ass. Tom, you’re blocking my view, dude!"

~+++~

"Psshhht," he makes and tugs on my collar and he's smiling so bright that his eyes are sparkling and I can see how he tries not to giggle and it's the sweetest and most ridiculous thing I have ever seen.

"Rosey's so gonna kill us when he wakes up, dude. I can't believe he slept through having his head shaved." He bites down on his tongue and tugs me further down the hallway. I don't even know where he wants us to go, just away from the living room where Mike's passed out on the couch. With a bald head. Again.

I laugh with him as silently as I can manage and then we crush against a drawer or something else that's standing in the hall and when I crush against him, I just raise my arm and pull him into a hug. He doesn't push me away or say anything, instead he returns the hug and lets out a contented sigh.

 

I feel him all around me. His warm, familiar scent in my nose and his chest is touching mine with every little movement, every small giggle, with every beat of his heart. He feels so good I want to cuddle closer, bury my face in his neck and just hold him forever.

It’s a weird thought and it should startle me but all I can think of is how good it feels in his arms.

Until he moves. Closer.

He shifts his hand on my waist, just a little bit, but my shirt rises and his hand slips under; a hot touch to my skin. 

I draw in a sharp breath, not even aware of the shudder that goes through my body until I can feel him go still.

I can hear my own heart pounding so loud, I’m sure he’d have to hear it too. 

I’m frozen. Completely frozen in place, holding my breath. 

He moves again.

So slow that I can feel every inch of warm, stubbled skin sliding against my cheek. His heart is racing just like mine and he’s taking deep breaths and every single one of them is brushing my skin and making it tingle.

His lips graze my cheek and my eyes flutter closed.

It’s his move now. It has to be his because I’m terrified. He’s a guy, a fucking guy, and my best friend and … god, I want him to. I want him to do everything he wants.

And he does it. Moves the last few inches until his full, soft lips brush against mine.

 

We stay like that for god knows how long, both surprised, both shocked by what we’re doing. Our lips are just touching, nothing more. 

But then he presses closer. Not even an inch, just a tiny movement that presses his lips against mine. A soft moan escapes his throat and I can feel it vibrating through my whole body and even if it's nothing more, it's also nothing less than a goddamn real kiss.

I know that I'm not reacting, not in any way and that maybe I should, that maybe I should show him that this is okay, that this is what I want. But I can't. My body and my mind are disconnected and I still can't get over the fact that he just kissed me and that I wanted it.

So he breaks the contact and takes a small step back. Not much, our noses are still almost touching, and then he raises his eyes to meet mine and if I didn't know that I was in love with him before, I would know it now.

His eyes tell me everything. The fear, the confusion, the want, the love. His eyes are searching mine for a reaction and I want to say something, I do, but then there's a yell from the living room and I don't even get the chance.

~+++~

Jared opened his eyes and didn't know if the yell had actually been in the dream or if it had come from Mike here, in reality, who was leaning over the couch, and shouting at him.

Jared couldn't hear him. But he could see his mouth moving, his face red and scared and confused. Tom was at his side, shifting glances from Mike to Jared and back again. He had a phone clutched in his hand, obviously ready to call for help.

"Jared! Jared!" where the first words that made it through to him.

"I'm okay," he answered, knowing it was probably a stupid thing to say after all this.

"Fuck you!" Mike shouted but Jared could tell that it was mostly relief.

"I'm sorry, just fell asleep," he explained weakly.

Tom and Mike traded a skeptical look.

"Dude, for one second, I thought we had to take you to the hospital again," Mike told him. "Yeah, for the second fucking time! We've been trying to wake you up for the last few minutes. You didn't even seem to be breathing."

Jared just nodded. He did breathe. He always did. Waking up from the dreams was not really killing him. Just hurting. Just hurting so damn much.

"I'm gonna go home." Jared swung himself up from the couch, swaying a little from standing up to fast.

"You sure you don't want to see a doctor?" Tom spoke to him for the first time since he had woken up. "Just to be sure man."

Jared shook his head, already heading for his shoes. "Nah, man, I'm just beat. Just need to get back home and into my own bed, that's all."

"I don't think it's a good idea," Mike stated and for being pretty drunk he sounded surprisingly sober. "I really think you should at least stay here until the morning."

Jared could tell that Mike and Tom were truly worried about him.

'And they don't even know me', he thought again. 

"No, man. Thank you, really. But I just wanna go home." And with that he was out of the house, his cell phone in hand and already calling a cab before the door behind him was even closed.

~+++~

Jared stumbled into the hallway, his dogs greeting him cheerfully but sensing very quickly that their daddy wasn't alright. Half-heartedly, he petted them, first Sadie, then Harley, and then he clumsily took off his shoes and tossed the jacket carelessly into a corner. 

He already had taken three steps up the stairs when he suddenly stopped. 

Not thinking about it, not thinking much at all, he went down again and opened the door to the empty room. Harley and Sadie were with him in a second, already rushing in while Jared still hesitated. 

Taking one deep breath he followed his dogs and entered the room.

It felt ... different. At least different than all the other rooms in this house. Like something that was supposed to be in there just ... wasn't.

Jared sat down on the floor, right in the middle, so he could see out the door and not long after, Sadie was sitting down to his left side, Harley on the right. 

Like they were shielding him.

Like they knew that Jared felt lost and alone.

 

The sudden noise of the ringtone startled all three of them.

Jared felt a stab of guilt when he checked the caller ID and found it saying 'Chad'. 

_"Jared? I'ts me,"_ came the low voice from the other end.

"Hey," Jared replied weakly.

_"Listen man, I've been an ass. I mean a really, really stupid ass. Now can we skip the point where I apologize and you apologize and you tell me what the hell is going on with you ? Michael Rosenbaum just called me, man! Rosenbaum! I don't even know the guy! I can't even imagine how he got my number."_

"Chad, I ... ." Jared was searching for the right words, trying to find a way to explain this mess.

_"Jared, dude, come on. You're scaring me, man."_

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and lay back on the hard floor. "He's not my best friend,” Jared started, knowing that Chad would know who hewas talking about. “He's nothing like just a friend. He's my ... he's in ... I'm in... ."

 _"He's what? Your lover? Your boyfriend?"_ Chad's voice sounded indifferent.

"Yeah ... maybe?”

There was a long pause until Chad finally said something. _"Do you want him to be?"_

"Yeah. Definitely."

 _"Dude, did you really think I would have a problem with you liking dick all of sudden?"_ Chad replied, sounding really offended. _"Come on, give me some credit!"_

Jared sighed and ran his hand over his face. "I don't know. God, I don't know anything anymore. I've fallen in love with a guy from a goddamn dream, Chad. From a dream! I can never ever have him!"

Chad cleared his throat. _"JT, for the record? I will pretend that I never said what I'm going to say next."_ Jared could hear him take a deep breath and if he wouldn't have felt so vulnerable and lost and ... weird right now, he would have laughed at the way Chad felt so embarrassed about talking about feelings. _"Jared, you're an awesome guy. And maybe even hot. I don't know 'cause I only like boobs, and lots of them. You can have any cock-sucking guy out there and maybe even a couple of pussy-licking ones. You will have your happily ever after life that you've been dreaming about for years. Trust me."_

Jared smiled and wished he could be all girly now and hug his best friend like crazy. Just to make him feel awkward. Just to say thank you and I love you too. 

But instead he told him the truth that was lingering in his heart. "I don't want anyone else but him."

 _"Jared..."_ Chad made and sounded desperate.

"Sometimes, I wish I would never wake up," Jared whispered and shivered slightly as it hit him how true these words were. "That I could stay with him forever."

He could hear Chad take a sharp breath on the other end.

 

 _"Jared, you listen to me now very carefully."_ Chad's voice changed so completely that Jared was suddenly very aware that Chad really was an actor. There was not the slightest chance of thinking about disobeying that tone. _"You call your dogsitter and tell her to get your dogs immediately. Then you pack your bags and go to the airport and take the next flight to L.A. I don't care when you get here, just tell me when you land and I'll be there. And from now on until your ass is sitting on my couch, you call me every hour. Got that?"_

"Chad, what?" Jared got himself into a sitting position, confusion written all over his face. Until it dawned on him what Chad was talking about. "God, I'm not gonna hurt myself!"

 _"What the hell am I supposed to think when you talk shit like that?"_ Chad exploded. _"Dude, you can read every fucking suicide book on this fucking planet! The thing you just said? It's the number one warning sign that you're looking for the next bridge to jump from!"_

"No, Chad, god, no!" Jared felt a rush of guilt wash over him. He had never intended on worrying his friend so much, hadn't even thought what he'd said must have sounded to Chad. "I promise, I promise you that I will never do anything like that. Chad, please believe me, I would never do that!"

 _"Promise me,"_ Chad demanded with a stone cold voice.

"I promise," Jared breathed, and then, louder, "Chad, I promise that I will never hurt myself on purpose."

_"Good. Good."_

Jared winced at the sound of Chad's voice, shaken up and out of breath. And that was all because of him.

"I'm sorry. Chad, I'm so sorry. You're my best friend, you're doing so much for me and I'm just ... . You don't deserve that."

 _"Damn right I don't,"_ he shot back, sounding a little more like Chad now. _"But listen, I wasn't kidding. You should come here. Take a break from filming. You're not alright. You should come here, get some sun, see something else instead of old, rainy Vancouver."_

Jared didn't answer right away. He looked around the room, at nothing but blank walls and hard floor, and the feeling that he couldn't leave here, leave this now, scared him.

"I will talk to Eric," he finally answered. "See what he'll say. Maybe I can get a couple of days."

~+++~


	6. I Sing Of Things That Are

~*~Jensen~*~

I leave him behind, all curled up in himself, not moving, and staring at nothing. Like he was doing for hours now.

It's fear that pushes me out of that room.

Because it's not Jared in there.

There's something so wrong with him, it makes my hands tremble as they grip the cold porcelain of the bathroom sink and tears fall freely down my face.

But I go back.

And as I wrap my arms around him and burry myself in his warmth, I know that Jared's still in there and I pray to God that I'll get him back.

~+++~


	7. part two, chapter one

~+++~

It's late after a long exhausting day of shooting and running around screaming. We're in the wardrobe trailer, alone, since the girls have yet another talk with Eric about some little changes, and he and I are peeling out of our clothes. 

I don't know why we're not taking our costumes back home, 'borrowing' them like we do so many times, but today doesn't seem that kind of day so we're changing into our regular clothes, doing the girls a favor and putting them on the wardrobe racks ourselves.

We're not necessarily modest about it; we do this all the time anyway, but I have my back turned toward him as I change from Sam's pants to my jeans. Until I hear the clink of something hitting the floor and I swirl around and see him.

Wearing just his jeans, he bends down to pick up his watch. When he straightens back up, he gives me a small smile and suddenly, I can't take my eyes off him.

I've seen him shirtless - or with fewer clothes - a thousand times; I must have, because the sight is nothing new to me. I know the soft tan of his skin, the freckles that go from his shoulder all the way down his back and I know the muscles beneath the skin and how they tense and release with every move. I've seen that before.

But now I want to touch.

I swallow audibly and his eyes dart up to me. They must catch whatever is written on my face because his face changes and he stills.

 

I know that my next move will change everything. I can see the look on his face, can decipher it like I know everything about him, know him like I don't even know myself. He's not going to do anything before I do, before I give him a reason to. But he wants it. God, he wants it as much as I do and the realization hits me like a freight train with its force.

I could turn away and nothing between us would change.

But maybe I want things to change. 

Not maybe. Definitely.

 

I take a breath and then a step and I can see how a shiver runs through him, his lips part and his eyes widen. And darken.

How could I ever think I wouldn't want this?

I close the distance between us with three more steps until I'm almost touching him, can already feel his body heat bleeding into my skin.

And what really makes a difference, what really changes everything, is that he doesn't take a step back. He just stays where he is, his eyes meeting mine.

"I have a confession to make," I whisper and lower my head.

"Yeah?" His breath is stirring against my mouth and my eyes zone out on his lips. His beautiful lips.

"I think I'm ... maybe not that ... straight."

He chuckles and his chest touches mine and for a second I regret that I'm not shirtless too. That I can't feel his skin on my skin now. "Oh, really?"

"Yeah." I nod. 

"Because my best friend shouldn’t get me that nervous, right?” I ramble on, already breathless. "He shouldn’t make me think about all these ... things. Shouldn’t make me wonder what it would feel like ... ."

"Jay?" he asks and his eyes are half-closed, focused on my mouth.

"Yeah?"

His lips are touching mine, it's one movement, when he whispers, "Just ... ," and kisses me at the same time. 

He starts gently but his hands are clutching my shirt and drawing me closer and his lips are opening my mouth so he can dive in with his tongue and he makes me moan with the first taste of him.

He feels amazing.

So soft with his lips gently moving against mine and so rough with his hands buried in my shirt.

He makes our tounges dance together, starting out slow and getting more and more frantic with every delicious second.

Then he tugs in my lower lip and lets his teeth graze over them and everything is a blur after that.

~+++~

“Because I’m falling in love with a person that doesn’t even exist!“

Jared looked up at Dr. Moira, finally answering the question that had lingered in the air for so long.

‘Why are you so scared?’ 

Jared had refused to answer, had refused to face his fear and instead looked around the room. He had seen Dr. Moira’s diploma on the wall, had wondered briefly how cruel people could be to call their daughter ‘Decima’ and then had tried do avoid the doctor's eyes that waited patiently for an answer. 

"This is what I'm missing, right?" he asked, his voice strong with emotion, "This one perfect person in my life."

He drew in a shaky breath and nodded to himself. "And I will never get this, right? Because he's just a dream. An ideal person my mind made up."

Jared stopped talking, covering his face with his hands. He didn't want to cry. He didn't want to lose it again, didn’t want to feel like this ticking bomb anymore; just waiting to go off, to break down. 

"Why do you think you can never have that?" Dr. Moira's voice cut gently through Jared's thoughts, pulling him out, making him focus.

"I ... How can I hope to ever meet a person like him?" Jared's eyes met Dr. Moira's, daring her to answer.

"Don't you think that there's a person like him out there? In the real world?" The doctor answered with another question. Calm, always so damn calm.

Like it was nothing. Like Jared's sanity, like his whole life wasn't at stake here.

Jared knew the answer to that question. The truth that kept screaming in his head. 

"Please tell me." Dr. Moira looked at him expectantly. As if she was reading his mind.

"Even if ...," Jared started, his tongue heavy in his mouth as if he didn't want to say it, to put it out in the open. "Even if there was someone like him, I wouldn't want anyone other than him."

There. He'd said it. 

And now he was lost, broken, forever. Because the man in his dreams was just that, a dream. No one he could ever have.

 

"I want you to try something," Dr. Moira said, her face serious, changing the subject so fast that Jared had difficulty following her. She didn't comment on what Jared had said. Just scribbled down her notes, giving him an indifferent glance.

"Okay." Jared nodded.

"I want you to learn how to be conscious of your dreams."

Jared frowned. 

"There's a method that will help you learn to be aware that you're dreaming. If you learn that, you can do whatever you want in your dreams. You can make decisions and act out of your own free will. You wouldn’t have to do and feel what the dream-Jared does."

Jared's frown got deeper. "Are you serious?"

She smiled briefly and nodded. "Trust me, Jared. It's not magic. It's something everyone can learn. And once you're capable of forming your dreams the way you like them, I want you to take action. I want you to explore who the man in your dreams is. I want you to ask the right questions."

Jared hesitated a long time, thinking about the freedom he felt in his dreams, the simple love that would surround him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to change anything about that, if he was ready to give that up. But then he thought about the opportunities he might have, about really participating in those dreams, and he slowly nodded. "Okay, what do I have to do?"

~+++~

The air is warm and smells a little sweet when we step out of the car on set.

Waving to Clif before he drives off, we share a look while we’re moving off the parking lot. We grin when our eyes meet, uncertain and shy and stupid, and it’s a little like we’re fourteen again, feeling something for someone else and not knowing what it is yet.

But of course we know.

In every movement, in every look, in every stolen glance, we know what it is between us. But it’s something so new for both of us that we’re not ready to admit it yet.

The drive was weird. Not awkward, but weird, with us so close together and not able to avoid each other, but not able to talk ... or even touch ... either. It was weird and exciting and as much as I feared the change in our relationship at first, the stupid, girly butterflies in my stomach make me grin with joy all the time.

I feel stupid and I love it.

 

"Hey guys."

"Misha!" He shouts, happy, and meets him halfway, hugging him and clapping him on his back. "How you doin', man?"

"Great," Misha laughs when I hug him too, maybe a little too forcefully but I'm happy to see him again.

"So what’ve you guys been up to, huh?" he asks and his eyes blink like he knows something. 

I know that I turn beet red and I can see the same blush on his face and we turn awkwardly away from each other.

Misha throws us a weird glance and then he just starts to laugh. "Okay, let's go get to wardrobe. Can't wait to wear my coat again," he says cheerfully and turns to the trailers first.

~+++~

Learning the technique was hard, not because it was seriously complicated or anything, but because Jared kept forgetting. 

The key was to keep asking himself, every now and again, if he was awake or dreaming right at that moment. To take in his surroundings and try to realize what it was that made him certain that what he was seeing was reality and not just a dream. If Jared did that often enough, his brain would become trained to keep repeating the question and it would eventually make him become conscious of when he was indeed smack bang in the middle of a dream.

As far as the theory went, it sounded pretty easy. But doing it wasn't easy at all.

With everything that was on Jared's mind and all the things he had to deal with in his life, with shooting day after day, he simply forgot most of the time.

And then there was this tiny doubt that kept nibbling at his mind. Asking him if he really should do this. If he really wanted to. If it wouldn't make him lose what he had with the man in his dreams forever.

 

"Hey Jared!"

Clif had just driven off, taking Jared’s dogs to the vet for him, and Jared was making his way to set, when he heard the familiar voice calling out to him.

He turned around and found Misha and the P.A. girl - Nona, he reminded himself - walking towards him. 

Jared felt a weird twinge inside him, looking at Misha when he had just dreamt about him. It wasn’t surprising. He had just gotten the news the day before that Misha was finally going to arrive on set, but it was weird seeing him now when the last time Jared had seen Misha was ... with him. 

"Hey man." Jared smiled at the fellow actor and felt his smile pulling up his own mood. It was good to have a familiar face back here with him. He sure felt lonely sometimes. 

"Hey, how are you?”

The shorter man grinned with honest joy to see him and Jared pulled him into a friendly hug. They had started working together during the last season and now he was becoming a series regular. Jared couldn’t be happier about that fact.

“I've spoken to Eric,” Misha told him. “He's really going through with the brother-thing, right?"

Jared nodded. "Yeah, but so far, he hasn’t had any luck finding the right one." Jared tried to bury the thought that he just knew the right one. If he only wasn't just a man in a dream.

"I’m sorry to interrupt you guys, but can we go? Wardrobe needs you in like two minutes," Nona chimed in, sounding a little shy around the two actors.

Both men nodded. "Yeah, sure."

 

Entering wardrobe, Misha was the first to be grabbed by Becky with an apologetic smile and an, ‘I need to steal him for some changes’, and then the two were gone and Nona and Jared were left looking at each other, making amused faces.

“Hey Lucy.” Jared went over to the other wardrobe-specialist and smiled at the petit woman, sitting on a chair, holding her huge belly in a loving gesture.

“Hey Jared.” She smiled, her eyes sparkling.

“So when is the big day?” 

Lucy huffed and made a grimace. “Another month, can you believe that? I think my belly is big enough now.”

They shared a grin before she continued.

“The doctor said it might be a difficult birth, with the baby being so big and all.” Her voice was wary now, a little shaken, but before Jared could answer, Nona was beside them, laying her hand on Becky’s belly.

“It’s not gonna be difficult. It’ll take some time, but the birth is not gonna be difficult,” she told the other woman with a soft voice and a smile and Lucy blinked at her, her eyes filling with tears.

“You think?” she breathed.

“Oh, I’m sure. She’s gonna be a handful when she’s little. But she’ll be worth every grey hair you’ll get,” Nona promised and Lucy was still staring at her, mouth open in surprise.

“How do you ... ? You know my husband always makes fun of me when I tell him I can feel that the baby is gonna be a girl! I’m right, am I?” Happy tears were falling down her face as Nona nodded.

“God, I’m ... sorry. It must be the hormones or something,” Lucy laughed and wiped away the tears from her face.

“It’s okay,” Jared and Nona replied, in unison, although Jared started to feel a little bit uncomfortable.

“Your name’s Nona, right? New P.A.?” 

Nona nodded. “Yeah, I just started. Doing a little bit of everything until the baby comes and then I’ll do my best to replace you as long as you’re gone,” she explained to Lucy.

 

Jared left the two women alone as their conversation got into deeper issues like fabric and right needles and Nona shared the story of how she was shown how to spun when she was very little.

He walked over to the wardrobe racks, looking at endless sets of Sam’s shirts and pants until the very last rack got his attention.

He gasped as a familiar feeling cut right through him. Like a knife, cutting out a part of him, leaving him half and lost and ... alone.

His eyes were glued to the piece of clothing in front of him, his fingers itching to touch.

“Oh god,” Jared bit back a whimper as the feeling of loss burned deeper, crushing his lungs and bringing tears to his eyes.

“Becky started playing with that idea,” a soft voice said suddenly next to him. 

Trying to get a hold of himself, he turned to see Lucy and Nona standing beside him.

“It’s gonna be for Sam’s brother,” Lucy said, pointing at the leather jacket Jared had been staring at. “She thought he might be wearing this jacket, like ... a hand-me-down from his father and the only thing that connected him to the man who has never been there for him in his life. You know, something like that.”

Jared nodded, showing her that he was listening, because he couldn’t trust his voice, was still struggling with the pain inside his chest.

“You okay?” Lucy whispered and then smiled. “I swear my husband always tells me my mood is contagious. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jared whispered back. He felt stupid and embarrassed, but above all that, he kept asking himself how he had ended up starting to cry over a stupid leather jacket.

He knew that it was because of him, because of the man in his dreams. Eric must have been talking about the option of a brother for Sam way longer than Jared could consciously remember. But fact was that Jared’s mind had taken this information and made it a part of his dream. Had given the role of Sam’s big brother to the man in the dreams, fitting him seamlessly in Jared’s world.

Jared closed his eyes briefly, wishing not for the first time that his dreams would just stop. In moments like this, they came too close to reality, messed too much with Jared’s real world than he could handle.

Sometimes it was just too much.

~+++~

“I can't believe I'm really doing this,” I hear him groan and I have to bite my lips not to burst out laughing. 

“Aww, you're too chicken to fight like a real man?” I tease him.

"Real man? Are you kidding me?" his voice trails over to me from around the corner. "We're standing here with fucking pillows and waiting for the other one to make the first move. Jared! I'm too old for pillow fights!"

"Oh, stop whining old man and take this!" With that I start running, right up to him and punch the pillow right into his surprised face.

"Oh, it's so on!" he growls, and a second later, we find ourselves in a serious pillow-fight. 

We're chasing each other through the whole house, through the kitchen, up the stairs and along the hallway. I don't even realize that we're downstairs again and in his bedroom, until I land backwards on his bed after I trip over whatever was lying on his floor. Probably one of Harley's or Sadie's toys.

I'm laughing and giggling and kicking with my feet, but somehow he manages to overcome my barrier and he's landing right on top of me, out of breath and grinning like crazy.

I don't even notice the shift, don't feel the moment when everything changes. 

But suddenly, his lips are on mine and I don't even have time to think anything before I pull him down, pull him closer with a deep groan and return the kiss.

There's nothing gentle about it. Not now, not when we're both starving for it. I pull him flush against me, can feel his weight on top of me, while he's devouring my mouth like it's the only thing he needs to live.

I push my hips up on instinct, eliciting a groan from both of us, and my hands are buried in his hair, moving his head just the way I want. 

He’s fighting me. Not to make me back off but to take control. He growls into my mouth, starts pushing up my shirt until I can feel his hands roaming over my body.

I switch us around to get me on top and I tear myself away from him just long enough to get rid of my shirt before I dive in again, capturing his mouth, biting down on his lips and he moans, loud and desperate and I think I'm gonna die right now.

My hips continue their rhythm, rubbing our hard dicks together, only the soft fabric of our jeans between them.

He’s tearing his mouth away from me. Panting, struggling for air, he gasps every time our groins meet and I can feel that he’s already close, can feel him tremble underneath me and it makes me dizzy with need.

Just two thrusts later and he’s coming, throwing his head back with a deep growl, shooting his load right into his pants like a teenager and it’s more of a turn on than I ever would have thought.

“Fuck, fuck, ohgod,” he curses, rolling his eyes and pressing me closer; his hands clawing into my back.

I bury my face in his neck, keep the rhythm, feeling myself running closer to orgasm as well.

“Jared,” he pants. “Jared, stop for a second.”

It takes a huge effort for me to raise my head and to look at him, stilling my hips as I do so.

“God, please,” I can hear myself beg.

“Let me touch you,” he whispers, his dark, green eyes searching mine for an answer.

“Oh, fuck yeah,” I moan and my eyes fall shut, totally out of control.

He doesn’t hesitate. Simply reaches for my jeans and opens them. 

I groan when his hand pulls out my cock, encircles it and the feeling is almost too good.

He doesn’t tease me. Just starts stroking, strong and fast, almost rough, collecting precum on every upstroke and just the sound alone would make me go crazy. With his other hand he’s pulling me down, kissing me messily and I’m too far gone to return the kiss but I groan at the taste of him, already addicted to his lips on mine.

It doesn’t take any time at all until my own orgasm hits me.

 

"Fuck, you're heavy," is the first thing he says, breathless and chuckling and sounding so goddamn happy I feel proud that I made him sound like this.

"I'm gonna move soon, I promise," I say weakly, too spent, too full of that wonderful perfect afterglow and the last thing I want to do is move and leave the warmth of his body beneath me.

And then he does the best thing ever, because he just nuzzles my neck and whispers: "Stay. I don't mind."

~+++~

Jared woke up with a longing and loneliness so deep, he was sure for the first time, that this was what made his breathing be so hard. What made his heart break and his ears deaf. Because there wasn't anything that could fill his body, no tastes, no sounds, when everything inside him was screaming for him. For this one person. For the perfect one.

Jared was sticky with dried cum when he got up and he wasn't even embarrassed about it anymore. Pushing the memories of him aside, of how he felt against him, what he tasted like, Jared tapped over to his bathroom and cleaned himself up. He didn't want to remember. Didn't want those images to hurt him even more now that he was awake. Now that he knew he couldn't have it for real. 

Back in his bedroom, Sadie padded over to him, her head hanging low like she was sensing her daddy's sadness.

"Hey girl." Jared bowed down and swallowed past the lump in his throat. He patted her gently and laughed when Harley came over to get his share of love.

Glancing to the clock on his nightstand, he realized that it was only five o'clock in the morning. On a Saturday morning. 

He was still tired and wrenched from the long week that lay behind him. But there was no way he would get back into that empty bed. Cold without his presence beside him.

 

Ten minutes later, the room downstairs was no longer empty. A mattress laid out in its center, Jared was curled up in his sheets, his dogs on either side of him, and he was sleeping again. Dreaming again. 

And this time, the technique he had tried to learn started working.

~+++~


	8. part two, chapter two

When I wake up in the dream, everything is the same as always, and everything is completely different.

I remember me. I remember myself, my life and I remember that this is just a dream.

But above all that I.don't.remember.him.

I'm standing in the hallway, not sure where I am headed, but now I'm just standing, trying to take in everything I know.

I know I'm dreaming. It doesn't exactly feel like it, but I know it.

I know that the doctor told me to make conscious decisions when I dream, and I do. I decide to turn around and this is what I do. I decide to make the steps into the kitchen and my feet are moving, just like they should, just like in real life.

I freeze when I hear footsteps on the stairs, growing louder when they reach the kitchen, reach me.

"Did you see my ... ." He stops midsentence, staring at me. "Jesus, Jared, are you okay?"

He's with me in a heartbeat, his hands on my shoulders and that's where I realize I'm crying. I've done it so many times over the last weeks, on screen and off, and I don't even feel it anymore.

I don't remember him. 

And as much as I try, as much as I grasp for every memory in my head, it only gives me the things I've seen. Here, in my dreams. No knowledge of who he is, of what he meant to me before, no knowledge at all, except for the few pieces of time the dreams have given me. 

Nothing like what the dream-Jared had known, what the dream-Jared had felt. Nothing like the deep, trusting, reassuring understanding that had been between us before.

And I want to know him. I want him back.

“Jared!” He shakes me and I can see fear in his eyes.

“I don’t remember you,” I breathe out. 

‘I’ve lost you’, is what’s screaming in my head.

His brows furrow and he still hasn’t let go of my arms. “What?”

“I don’t remember you,” I repeat and look into his eyes, watch his face, and I want to know him so bad, want back what we had before, want this happy place back, even if it was just a dream and I could only watch, could only feel. “You’re a dream. You’re just a goddamn dream and I don’t even know you. You’re not even real.”

His face changes. He takes a step back, losing the grip around my biceps, his eyes getting smaller, and I can’t read him anymore, can’t even tell what it means when his face goes blank and cold.

“You don’t have to do this,” he whispers and I don’t know if he’s angry or hurt. “You could have just … said something.”

He looks up to me, his jaw set and his eyes guarded and I don’t know what’s beneath there and it’s killing me.

I wipe the tears off my face, try to get a hold of myself, but every time I look at him, it just fucking hurts. I've lost him. He’s standing right in front of me and I've lost him.

“Jared, if you didn’t want this …,” he gestures between us and it takes me some time until I realize that he’s talking about ‘us’. “You could have just said something.” He slowly shakes his head.

“I really thought … ,” he starts, disappointment now evident in his voice, “I thought our friendship was more than that. That you could talk to me if you didn’t want this. Hell, Jared, don’t you know? One word and I would have backed off!”

“You don’t understand.” 

“But now you’re making this stupid … show, talking crap,” he continues, like he didn’t hear me, and he gets louder and angrier with every word. “You don’t have to make this shit up when you freak out about this, you could have just goddamn talked to me!”

“You don’t …,” I start again, but he just cuts me off.

“Of course I do!! Of course, I understand!” he shouts and all I can do is watch him, unable to talk, unable to explain.

“You’re not the only one freaking out here, Jay! Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I planned to fall in love with you? Because I fucking didn’t and it’s scares the fucking shit out of me! You’re my best friend, Jared, and I wouldn’t want to risk this for anything in the world and now I have and it’s fucking terrifying!” He’s still shouting and waving his hands, but my mind had just stopped at the part where he said that he loved me and it can’t process anything more than that.

“You’re not real. You’re a dream,” I mumble helplessly, “I don’t even know your name. I don’t even know your name.”

His shouting stops and now he’s just staring at me and his face tells me nothing.

“Jensen. My name is Jensen,” he finally says and his voice sounds wrecked and cuts right through my heart.

~+++~

Jared woke up crying. The pillow beneath him was damp with tears and when the sounds came back to him, he could hear himself sobbing quietly. 

When he opened his eyes the sun was already high up, illuminating the blank floor, the naked walls. 

Harley and Sadie were standing by the door, waiting patiently to get out, get their breakfast and their morning run.

“Jensen,” Jared whispered, trying that name out, testing the feeling how it roll off his tongue. 

Burying his face in the pillow again, he missed how his babies pointed their ears and started wagging their tails with excitement at that name.

~+++~

I'm in my trailer. When I check the clock on the wall, I can see that it is late afternoon and I might be on a small break thanks to set changes. I see the script for the next scene lying on my table and the TV on the wall is on, tone low, and I'm sitting on the too small couch, Sadie at my side, Harley on the floor.

I remember what happened. I remember the fight and how Jensen had looked so hurt and disappointed. How he had shouted at me. How he had shouted that he loved me. I remember that this is just a dream.

There's a knock on my door but before I even react, it opens and Jensen steps in, closing the door behind him. His face is serious. He's chewing on his lip, his hands fidgeting nervously.

"I ... ." He clears his throat, not really looking at me and I can see him swallow.

'He's so beautiful', is what I think when I look at him and it doesn't really scare me anymore that I think that way about him. He's beautiful. And he loves me. And he's not real.

I fight against the lump in my throat and look up to him, waiting for him to tell me whatever he came here for.

He takes a last deep breath and then his eyes fall on me. "I’m in love with you, Jared. And this is not ... this should never be something to be shouted at you so I'm telling you again. I’m in love with you."

He gives me small smile, uncertain and still loaded with disappointment and anger. "Do with that whatever you want."

With these words and without giving me a chance to respond, he's out of my trailer and gone.

~+++

Jared was staring at the ceiling, trying to get back into sleep, into the dream. But his nerves kept him awake, his body telling him that he had already slept enough and lying around he only got more frustrated, more desperate.

It was some time at night. It had to be because it was dark outside and quiet, no sounds coming from cars or people. He couldn’t check it. There was no clock in this room, his watch and cell phone still in his bedroom, lying on the desk.

Sadie and Harley were gone. Some time earlier, Jared had heard Clif walking around in the house, had heard him come in and talk to him. 

Jared couldn’t remember what Clif had said or if Jared had answered him. But he was sure he had taken his babies and taken care of them.

The twinge of guilt didn’t even make its way to Jared’s consciousness through the deep sadness, covering him like a blanket.

But an idea did, the memory of a small package of sleeping pills lying innocently in his drawer upstairs in the bedroom.

Jared didn’t need to think twice, just got up and into his own room, to get that package and bring it downstairs.

He needed to sleep. He needed to dream.

~+++~

I lie curled up in my bed, eyes staring at nothing but air and I don't move, can't remember when I did the last time. 

I know I'm in the dream and that Jensen is only gonna be here while I dream. But I can't make the conscious decision to get up and see him, because as much as I need to, as I physically need to see him, I don't know if I'm able to lose him again when I wake up. 

There's only so much I can take and I know I'm reaching my limit.

When I feel his presence behind me, I can't tell how long he has been standing there without me noticing. A part of me doesn’t want to turn around, but the other part wants to pull him against me and never let go. That indecision makes me stay right where I am.

"You haven't eaten any dinner, Jared," Jensen tells me, his tone just low and indifferent. "You haven't moved in hours."

"I don't remember you," I say like it would explain everything to him, and my throat hurts with every word. 

I can feel that he didn't move away, can sense his presence now like a moth can sense the light. 

“You’re really not making this up, are you?” he whispers.

“No.” I bite my lips and close my eyes when I hear a choked off cry.

"I don't remember how we met, or whether you have siblings or not. I don't remember if you've lived here for years or just been here a week." I could go on like that for days about all the things I don't know about him and that I just wish I knew. "I don't know anything about you except for what I feel for you."

"What do you feel for me?" he asks and it's the first time that I can hear the strain in his voice.

"I love you." 

That's all I tell him. That's all I know. 

For a long time, I don't hear anything. Then he moves behind me and he's gone, the feeling of loss growing deeper and stronger until it crushes my lungs.

 

I don't know how much time has passed, but finally I can hear him coming back, and from the sound of it, my babies are with him. They're slowly walking around the bed so that I can see them and it's breaking my heart how confused and uncertain they look. 

The same way they are looking at the empty room in my real life; in the dreams, I am making them feel like that.

They whimper and Sadie nudges my hand until I move it and touch her cold, wet nose, and then they both settle down, right in front of the bed and if there was anything left inside me, I would scream.

I don't see Jensen but I can hear him behind me, walking through the room, opening a window, closing the curtains, and switching the light off. 

Then I feel the bed dip behind me and he's crawling up, his arm reaching for me and curling around my body. Soon, he's pressed up against me, all the way, his head in the crook of my neck and he smells like warmth and soap.

It's the best and the worst thing he could have done.

 

"The first time I saw you before the final audition for Dean and Sam I thought, 'hey, what a nice guy'," Jensen starts, his breath tickling my ear, and then he laughs quietly. "Okay, that's a lie. The first thing I thought was, 'wow, that guy's tall', and then I thought about how nice you are."

He's so close that his cheeks touch my neck and the wetness I can feel there, his tears, hurt me so much I can barely breathe. I can imagine what it all must sound like to him, how crazy I sound, how sick. 

"My mother loves you. Hell, my whole family already does. After you broke up with Sandy and you went to that con where I couldn't be there, it was actually my mom's idea to see you. She just called the whole family and she didn't even have to force them. They all just jumped into the car to see you."

I cringe when I remember what had really happened. Jim had been there at the con with me and tried his best to cheer me up. It had worked for a while. I would have given so much just to let Jensen's words be the truth.

"I don't really know when I realized that I was in love with you." His voice has changed. He almost sounds shy now and I simply curl deeper into his warmth. "But I remember the exact moment when I knew that I loved you, that you had become family. That there was never gonna be a day I wouldn't wanna have you in my life."

He places a small, soft kiss under my ear, and his arm that is circling me, tightens. "It was when I did that stage-play back in Texas a couple of years ago. You were busy doing your own stuff and you had said that you wanted to come and see it, but I didn't really believe that you would actually show up. And then one day," I can hear the smile in his words and it burns inside my chest, "when I was backstage during the break, you called me and told me that you'd wanted to surprise me. It was the moment I heard your voice through that stupid cell, that I knew I loved you. After the break I spotted you sitting in the audience. You were smiling at me and laughing and when the play was over, you were the first to stand up. You made everyone get off their seats and give standing ovations that night. That was one of the best nights of my life."

I can feel the tears running over my cheeks the same as I can feel his tears, trailing over my neck.

"Jen."

"Shh," he makes. "We're gonna find you some help, tomorrow. We're gonna be okay. Just sleep now, okay? I'm here. I'm right here, Jared."

And the last thought I have before I’m drifting away, losing him again, is _'No. You're not.'_

~+++~


	9. part two, chapter three

~+++~

"Hey, Jared? Can you hear me? Jared! You got a visitor."

Jared didn't even have the time to wake up fully and turn around to Clif before the other man let go of his shoulder, and stepped aside, the visitor already standing behind him and waiting.

"Jim," Jared groaned, trying his best to hide the effort it took to breathe normally and keep his face blank.

With Jim Beaver watching him, of course, he couldn't hide a damn thing.

"I'll get breakfast ready,” Clif announced and left the two men alone.

"What you're doing here?" Jared asked, sitting himself up in the bed, and glancing up to the older man suspiciously. He felt embarrassed. He couldn't remember the last time he had showered, his hair was standing up in all the wrong places, and he hadn't brushed his teeth in days. 

"Looking after you, kid," Jim answered with way more concern in his voice than he had ever heard him use before. 

Jared just looked up to the ceiling and didn't answer. What was there to say? He knew that it was bad. That he was bad. And it didn't need Jim Beaver flying all the way to Vancouver and getting him out of bed in the early afternoon on a Wednesday to tell him that.

"I talked to Eric." Jim sat down on the cold floor by the window and watched Jared openly. There was still nothing else in this room except for the mattress Jared had put there a couple of nights ago. Nothing more than that and the blank, cold walls. "You got the rest of the week and the weekend off, and by Monday, he wants to see you either on set or someplace where people can help you."

"He's just as worried about you as everyone else is," he added, when he saw the sad look on Jared's face. 

"I know," Jared sighed. 

"So, what's it gonna be?"

Jared turned to Jim again, his face showing his confusion. "What do you mean?"

"See, kid, we got a couple of alternatives. I can take you to your Mom. I can take you to a friend. Jordan, or Chad maybe. I can take you to whatever clinic you like. But I'm not gonna let you stay here another day."

Jared throat went dry. "But I ... ."

He stopped when he caught the way Jim’s eyes stopped at something and his face fell.

“Jared,” he sighed, sounding tired and sad.

“What?” Jared frowned but he found the object Jim was looking at and his frown turned into a headshake and pleading eyes. 

“I just take them so I can sleep, Jim, I swear. I’m not gonna ... .”

“Consciously or not, you’re doing it already,” Jim’s voice was echoing between the naked walls.

“Look, Jared, I never understood exactly what had happened to you when you got into the hospital that time. But I know that it was bad and that ever since ... . You’ve been different, Jared, lost, like something big is missing in your life and you’re desperately trying to get it back. But whatever it is, this is not the right way!”

Jared swallowed against the lump in his throat and tried desperately not to scream, not to tell Jim that this was the only way he knew to be close to the person he was missing so bad.

"Jared, I don't know what's wrong with you and I ain’t gonna ask because I think it's none of my business until you want to talk about it to me. But it's my goddamn business when I have to watch a friend rotting away in his own bed. So don't think for a second that I will let that happen, son."

Jared stared at him, unable to reply, but Jim didn't seem to be finished anyway. "You're gonna get out of that bed in the next minute and you'll get your stinky ass into the shower and then you'll dress, pack a bag and eat your damn breakfast, and I will not move from here until you're done."

"But what ... Harley and Sadie," Jared threw in weakly, not even forming a full sentence.

"Clif has been watching and feeding and walking your dogs for the last week, don't you think he can do it for another one?"

And that did it. Jared realized with a sting to his guts that he had abandoned his dogs the last few days, and had only spent his time in bed, trying to sleep, trying to dream. This couldn't go on like that. 

"Okay." Jared entangled himself from his sheets, his movements clumsy and off balance. "I wanna go to Chad. I can't see my mom like this."

Jim nodded, and only when Jared turned around did he catch the worried eyes on the pale face of the other man.

~+++~

We're stepping out of the airport in L.A., our bags in our hands, and heading to the parking lot.

We're not saying anything, but when I glance over, I can see the lazy, relaxed smile on Jensen’s face and I can’t stop the flutter in my stomach at that sight.

I wish I knew what had happened between us, how much time had passed. But jumping from dream to dream leaves me with these gaping holes, and I’m aching for them to be filled.

I know that I’m walking on the edge of a knife here, that I let myself fall completely into a life that only existed in my head. 

But I’m craving this life too much, craving him too much to give that up. 

I’m lost. And even if Jim was dragging the real me thousands of miles across country, I know that it’s already too late.

 

“Hey guys!” A blonde, short guy smiles when he sees us and then he steps forward and is hugging me tight, like we know each other, and in this dream we maybe do, so I laugh and return the hug and pet his shoulder because it feels like this is the right thing to do. 

“Good to see you, man,” I tell him and I feel that I mean it. 

The blonde moves to hug Jensen and when I watch them hug I can see that they’re even more familiar with each other, that there’s a deeper friendship between them.

“Hey, Steve,” he says to the blonde and the sting of jealousy actually makes me smile.

“Hey, hands of my boyfriend, you jackass,” a deep voice grumbles but the guy who steps from behind the car that we’re standing near is smiling.

His dark long hair is tied back and he’s actually much shorter than me but looks really intimidating. He greets me with a short hug and a bright smile, and then Jensen’s hugging him and clapping his back.

“Not touching what’s yours, Chris,” he tells the shorter man.

“Hey, I’m still here, you know,” the guy he had called Steve growls, but I can see that he doesn’t mean it and the way he looks at the brunette says everything about their relationship.

“Steve is never gonna look at anyone else, Chris,” he says, “and you know it! We’ve just been waiting for you guys to figure it out.”

“Says the guy who ... .” But Chris can’t finish his sentence because he gets a slap on his head and a deathly glare from Steve.

I can feel myself blush and I don’t have to turn to know that Jensen is blushing too.

“Hey, I heard Rosey’s enjoying his old hairdo again, thanks to you,” Steve says to distract us all and it's working because Chris and Jensen are starting to laugh at that and even I have to smile at the memory of that crazy night.

Until I remember that it’s just another memory of a dream I had.

 

“Hey Hodge!” Chris shouts suddenly and I turn around to see Aldis Hodge running up to us, coming over the parking lot. 

I know Aldis. I've worked with him on my show before and it is weird to have him in this dream, but then again not weirder than dreaming about two almost-familiar guys who I seem to be friends with.

“Hey, guys!” He smiles and greets us like old friends. “Damn, Jared, it’s good to see you, man!”

“Yeah, good to see you too,” I laugh. 

“Y'all gonna come to my party, right?” He asks hopefully, looking into the circle and not far from bouncing on his heels.

“That's why we came, you moron,” Jensen says and slaps him playfully.

“Okay, people, I don't wanna spend all day hanging around in an airport. We’ll see us tonight, Hodge,” Chris waves Aldis off with annoyance in his tone, but we could tell that he didn't mean it. 

 

Sitting crouched in the backseat with Steve next to me and Jensen riding shotgun to Chris, I can feel Steve's eyes on me.

“What?” I whisper, feeling weird about talking to a guy my mind probably made up but who thinks we have known each other for years. 

“It's worth it, you know,” he whispers back and the two guys in the front can't hear us because they're engaged in their own conversation. 

I just raise an eyebrow, not knowing what he's talking about. 

“Giving you two a chance.”

I can feel myself blush. 

“Look, man. You might wanna tell me that this is none of my business. And maybe you're right. But look how long it took Chris and me to overcome all this shit and just be who we are. There's no need for you to go through the same thing.”

“I ... this ... .” I don't really know what to say.

“I can see the way you two look at each other,” he smirks at me. “I promise you, it'll be worth it. And Danneel has been out of the picture for months now, man. You're both single. You're both in love with each other. There's nothing wrong.”

I swallow and wonder briefly who Danneel is, but mostly I'm shocked about how openly he's talking to me. 

“I can see how scared you are,” he whispers, his face turning serious, and it's touching how well he seems to know me, even if he has no idea what he is talking about. “I know he's your best friend and you can be sure that he says the same thing about you. But take that chance man, I mean it.”

The only thing I manage is a nod. 

 

The next thing I know is that we’re standing in front of a building. Jensen walks up to it, fumbles with the keys and lets us in like he's familiar with it. Like he's been here enough to not pay attention to anything around him at all.

A weird feeling settles in my stomach as I realize that he lives here. That this is his home, here, in L.A.. 

And I wonder briefly if I should know it.

"Okay, I call dibs on the shower," Jensen shouts as we enter his apartment and he doesn't even wait for me to close the front door; he just vanishes behind one of the doors.

I feel lost as soon as he's gone. I don't know this place. I know nothing about the furniture that looks so unpersonal to me or the too white walls. It doesn't feel like a home to me. Doesn't feel like something Jensen would want to live in.

Because Jensen already has a home, I remind myself. With me.

I gasp as I realize that I'm doing it again. That I'm losing the sense of reality. 

It always happens. Sooner or later in every dream I forget that it just that. A dream. That none of this is real and that Jensen is not real and still here I am. Thinking about what to say to him, how to talk, how to act. Like it would matter. Like he was a real person.

I cover my face in one hand and take a deep breath.

"You okay?" 

I swirl around and catch the concerned glance on Jensen's face. 

"Yeah. Yeah, I am. Just ... tired. A little." I give him a weak smile. 

"Your head?" he asks and gets closer.

"My ... what?"

"Dude," he says softly and reaches for me, his hands cupping my head gently, "don't start this with me again, okay? Just because you can't remember that you slipped in the kitchen, doesn't mean you didn't,okay? That's the whole point of short term memory loss."

He tilts his head and looks at me, his fingers brushing over my temples.

"The doc said to take it easy. Maybe we shouldn't have come up here this time." 

"Hm," I answer and the sound dies in my throat as his fingertips slide over my face, brush my hair aside, follow the line of my jaw.

"We don't need to go to the party, Jared," he whispers, already distracted by what he's doing.

"Uhm ... ," but I want to, I try to say but then Jensen's face is right in front of me and my eyes fall closed.

My lips tingle in anticipation and my heart thumps in my chest as I feel his breath ghost over my skin.

But he's not kissing me. Not yet.

I can feel the whispersoft press of his lips on my cheek first, then on my jaw. I suck in a shaky breath as he kisses my eyelids, one by one, just barely enough pressure so that I can feel him.

There's a burning tightness in my chest, something so good and so intense, it's hurting. But I soak it all in, the smell of him, fresh out of the shower in clean clothes; the warmth that is bleeding into my skin like it can't go anywhere but inside me; the feel of his skin against mine, as he softly claims every inch of my face as his.

I feel tears sting in my eyes. It's ridiculous and stupid and I don't want to ruin this moment, not now. But I've never been this happy. Have never felt this loved. This protected. This treasured. 

"Jared," Jensen whispers and his head is tilted down and when I open my eyes I can see the light flush on his face right down his neck. 

I can't help the smile that breaks across my face.

He looks up at me, his eyes crinkling as he returns the smile, ducking his head again and he takes his hands off my face, letting them slide hesitently along my arms.

"Can we forget this ever happened? With me turning into a girl in front of you and all?" he asks, still not meeting my eyes, embarressement written all over his face but there's also the soft smile still on his lips and I shake my head firmly.

"No. I never ever want to forget this," I whisper and place a soft kiss on his forhead.

~+++~

Jared woke up when the plane started landing and the seat-belt signs blinked on. 

Jim was sitting next to him, his eyes focused on the taller man. He had made good on his promise, had put Jared into the seat by the window himself, freshly showered and with a small amount of food inside him since it had been way too long since Jared had eaten anything. 

Jared didn’t panic. He just stared at the seat in front of him, controlling his breathing and measuring his heartbeat. The sounds came back slowly, getting louder just like someone was turning up the volume.

It got easier somehow every time Jared woke up from the dream. 

Like the pain had wormed its way into Jared, deeper and deeper, disappearing inside altogether so it could eat its way through Jared’s insides. And all that was left was a dull, throbbing pain that grew stronger with every breath.

 

Walking through the airport, his bag already in hand, Jared tried to remember if he had seen one of the two other guys from his latest dream before. They seemed vaguely familiar but he couldn’t place them. Maybe he was adding ideal friends now to his ideal man.

Grimacing at his own thoughts, he blushed, hoping that Jim didn't notice as he walked beside him, and quickly left the airport, heading for the parking lot where Chad had promised to wait for him.

When he spotted his friend, he felt a weird mix of relief and fear. He was glad that he could be here, could take some time off, but at the same time, he was afraid what Chad would see, would know, when he spent time with him. 

How crazy Jared was.

How absolutely in love he was with a guy from a fucking dream.

 

“Hey, JT.” 

Chad’s greeting was less cheerful and more concerned than normal, and that alone made Jared feel guilty. 

“Hey,” he replied and tried to put as much happiness into that one word as he could.

He seemed to have succeeded when Chad grinned and clapped Jared’s shoulder with way more enthusiasm than necessary.

"I can take him from here," Chad told Jim, ignoring Jared like he wasn't even there. "Thanks man, I appreciate it."

"Watch out for him," Jim gave his last piece of advice and took off, pulling Jared into a hug before he walked away.

 

“Jared? Is that you, man?”

Jared and Chad turned around, looking where that voice was coming from and Jared startled when he recognized the man jogging towards them.

“Aldis!” 

“Good to see ya, man!” Aldis smiled, completely oblivious to the frown on Jared’s face. 

"Chad, this is Aldis," Jared introduced his friends. "He was a guest on Supernatural. Aldis, this is my friend Chad." 

"Hey brother, nice to meet you." Aldis smiled happily and Jared could tell instantly that they liked each other from the start.

“What the hell are you doing in the States this time of year?” Aldis wondered, but obviously happy to have met him.

“Just some time off, they’re shooting second unit and a new cast member right now,” Jared half lied and hoped Aldis wouldn’t investigate it any further.

But it seemed as if Jared didn’t have a reason to worry.

"Dude, you so gotta come to my party tonight!" Aldis burst out, all but bouncing on his heels. "The whole Leverage crew's gonna be there and a couple of friends. What do you say?"

Jared blinked, not able to form a clear thought. What the hell was happening here? First he was dreaming about this and now it was becoming reality? 

"We're totally gonna be there, dude," Chad answered when Jared didn’t respond.

"Cool!" A wide grin spread on Aldis' face. "I'm gonna mail you the address, okay Jared?"

And with that, Aldis had turned around and was jogging away, while Jared was still blinking at him.

Chad shot his friend a long glare. "It's damn, time that you got used to being around people again, JT. You're like a ghost or something:"

 

Chad took Jared back to his apartment, telling him to make himself at home which Jared answered with a nod. He’d try but this wasn’t his home. His home had a room, an empty room which Jared wished he could be standing in right now because that was the place he felt he should be, needed to be. 

“How about I fix you a bite and then we head out? Feel free to log-on to my computer, see if Aldis mailed you his address already,” Chad said with an easy smile. He padded into his kitchen, opening and closing different cupboards while clattering pots and pans like he was planning on cooking up a four course banquet. Eventually, he stuck his head in the freezer, sheepishly re-emerging with a frozen fajita which he shoved into the microwave. “Convenience food, gotta love it.” 

Jared laughed, sitting himself down with Chad’s Macbook resting on his knees he set about opening his e-mails.

~+++~

Aldis’ place was stuffed with people Jared didn't know and was actually the last place he wanted to be. But then he caught the worried expression on Chad's face again and he swore to himself for the hundredth time, that he would do anything to make that look go away. 

Making Chad Michael Murray worried about you was almost a crime against nature. 

Jared chuckled at the thought and immediately earned a raised eyebrow from Chad.

"Hey, you made it," they heard Aldis shout from across the room and were greeted by the man shortly after, wearing a big grin, a huge pair of sunglasses and already two colorful, exotic cocktails in his hand, ready to hand it any guest who happened to pass by.

“What do you like, guys?” Aldis asked, waving the cocktails in front of their noses. “I have the most amazing cocktail mixes in the world or lame, boring bottles of beer.”

Chad and Jared changed a look. “Beer,” they nodded.

Aldis rolled his eyes. “Figures.” 

 

Five minutes later and they had beers in their hands and had been introduced to half of the house.

Jared found he was actually enjoying himself. 

Chad was rambling on about some girl on set, and for a few minutes, Jared could almost forget that there was a reason why he was here.

"And then she just took off!" Chad concluded with flailing arms and an expression on his face like it had been the best thing he'd ever seen. "She just told everyone, and I'm gonna quote: 'Hey, people, I'm outta here. I'm sorry, but I need a vacation, like, now.' And then she was gone. Just like that."

Chad shook his head, obviously still in disbelief. "I mean, I liked Danneel when she was working with us full time you know? I thought she was a sweet and nice girl and all. But man, sometimes the sweetest ones are the craziest."

“Wait ... what?” Chad finally got Jared's attention. “Did you just say Danneel?”

Chad just looked at him with a frown on his face. “Yeah. So?”

“Just ... .” Maybe Chad had talked about her before. Maybe his subconscious had saved this name and now it was appearing in his sleep.

Jared shook his head at the still expectant expression on Chad’s face. There was no point in worrying Chad even more with telling him that he knew that name from a dream. 

The conversation quickly wandered to more innocent topics and Jared felt himself relax again. 

 

Until he saw them.

Eyes growing wide, Jared almost choked on his beer.

His mind went crazy with looking for explanations, coming up with theories, with ideas of how it could be. But all he could come up with was nothing when he was staring at the two people right across the room.

Both shorter than him. Both with long hair, tied up in the back; one blonde, one brunette. 

Steve and Chris. The men from his dream.

~+++~

Half an hour later Jared had the names of the two guys. One was a musician, Steve Carlson, and the other one’s name was Christian Kane, actually one of Aldis’ colleagues, starring in the same show as he was.

Chris and Steve. So far, the dream had been right.

But Jared wasn't any smarter. His mind was still racing with questions, with the reasons why he could dream about two guys he had never met in real life. Did he know them? Had he seen them and just forgotten about it? Had his subconcious mind pulled them out of a long forgotten memory?

Jared had managed to lose Chad somewhere in the crowd and was now chatting with Aldis as he saw the two men again, just a couple of steps away.

He followed them out of the corner of his eyes, had thought about what he could do, what he could ask. If he was about to ask them something.

Spotting them again, just a couple of feet away, vanishing into another room, Jared made a decision. 

 

Jared knew it was stupid before he even made the steps. But it was driving him crazy, and if there was even the slightest chance of getting an answer, he needed to take it. 

He heard Aldis shout his name behind him after his sudden change of direction, but he chose to ignore it. He wouldn’t have the courage to ask if he didn’t do it now.

“Uhm, excuse me?” His own voice suddenly seemed loud in his own ears, but except for the three of them and Aldis following behind him, they were alone in what Jared realized was another small living room.

Steve was just ending a phone call, slipping the cell phone shut and turning back around to his friend, when Jared approached him. The blonde looked up to him expectantly.

“Do we know each other?” Jared forced out, knowing that he sounded like a stupid twelve-year-old.

Steve smiled and cocked his head. “Hadn’t heard that one in a while.”

Jared could feel himself blush and he shook his head vehemently. “No, god, no! I just … I really feel like I know you.”

That smile faded from the other man’s face and he looked like he was trying to remember him now. 

“You’re Jared Pada ... something, right? From the TV-Show? I’m Steve Carlson, I’m a singer. So, look, maybe you’ve seen me somewhere. And I know who you are … doesn’t mean we know each other, but maybe that would explain things.”

Jared hesitated just a second. He didn’t think he could humiliate himself more. 

“I keep dreaming about you.”

 

“Whoa, dude, back the fuck off!” 

Jared didn’t know what hit him but suddenly he found himself facing a guy who looked like he was about to kill him. Looked like he actually could. 

Chris.

“That’s fucking enough my friend. So back off!” he threatened, his tone calm but dangerous and Jared threw up his hands in defense.

“I’m not hitting on your boyfriend!” 

Jared knew that he had said the wrong thing when he could see the anger in the other man’s face become even more intense. 

Jared sighed in defeat and closed his eyes. “Shit, man, I’m sorry. That came out wrong. But I mean it. I did not hit on your boyfriend. I’m sorry. It’s just … .”

He stopped when he noticed the shocked expression on the other man’s face. This was not what he had been expecting.

“Aldis, would you please leave us alone?” Chris said without turning away from Jared, the anger back on his face. 

"Who me? Oh, hell no!" Aldis looked nervously from one man to the other. He didn't seem to be able to decide if he wanted to get between them or not.

"Aldis, leave," Chris repeated through clenched teeth.

Jared started sweating. He didn't know this man in front of him very well. But he somehow assumed the man could take him even if Jared had a couple of inches and more muscle on him. 

“No, Chris forget it." Jared could see Aldis shake his head from the corner of his eye. "Jay here is a real cool guy, I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way, man. He’s just mistaken you for someone else.”

“Aldis, leave the fucking room,” Chris snarled.

“You’re not gonna fight with him, man! You’re both cool dudes, come on!”

Chris turned his head and faced Aldis. “Leave the fucking room, now!”

“I can handle him.” The soft reply came from Steve and Jared could see that he was looking at Aldis with a serious but calm face.

'What the hell is going on here?' Jared thought, his mind racing.

Aldis shot one glance at Jared, then shook his head and left the room. “Okay. I’m just sayin’, this is stupid. I’m just sayin’.”

 

"How do you know?" Chris snarled at Jared as soon as Aldis had left the room and closed the door behind him.

"Know what?" 

Chris didn’t move a muscle, just kept on glaring at Jared like a hard-boiled cop. "About Steve and me?"

"I ... ." 

"Because there's only a handful of people who know about us and I trust them with my life. I know that they're not gossiping about it." Chris pushed him, forcing him to stumble a couple of steps backwards.

"Go easy on him, Chris," Steve said with the same calm voice as before. But he didn't do anything. Just looked at Jared expectantly, waiting for an answer just like Chris.

"I dreamt about it," Jared heard himself saying and realized that it was true. He didn't hear it somewhere. He didn't know these guys. He had only dreamt about them.

A weird feeling crawled up Jared's spine, like there was something at the back of his mind, something he could not quite reach, but that would explain everything.

He could see Chris and Steve exchange a look he couldn't quite read, but Steve's face had paled and Chris only got angrier.

"This isn’t a stupid joke here!" Chris threatened, a hand on Jared's collar, pushing him further backwards.

 

“Get your fucking hands off of him, Kane!” 

Three heads swirled around when Chad stormed into the room, furious, and was between Jared and Chris in the blink of an eye, both men staring at him in surprise. 

“I know you can probably kill me with one move, Kane, but don’t think I don’t know a trick or two!”

The room fell silent. 

Chris stared at Chad, a hint of respect flickering in his eyes. Then Chris stepped back and let go of Jared, saying nothing, just glaring at both of them.

"You come with me," Chad told Jared and Jared was too stunned and shocked that he couldn't do anything else but follow. 

Chad waited until they were both out of the room, around a corner and hidden from everyone else, before he swirled around and punched Jared in the face.

"You fucking idiot!" he hissed and Jared couldn't tell if he had ever seen his friend so angry. "If you want to convince me that you're not suicidal, don't go around and call Chris Kane a faggot!"

"I didn't," Jared tried to defend himself, holding his nose until the throbbing pain started fading.

Chad huffed angrily. "Well, Aldis told me something different. And somehow I believe him more than you right now."

Jared shook his head. "I didn't, Chad. I just ... I just told him that I knew that he was dating Steve."

"Oh, and that's not calling him a faggot?"

"No, not when it's true. And I didn't use that word."

Chad looked skeptical. "It's true? Really? Man that would be hilarious!" Chad made a face, frowning. "Well that would explain why he snapped when you told him you knew."

Jared just nodded, glad that Chad seemed to believe him.

"How did you know that, anyway?"

An unhappy laugh escaped Jared's throat and he lowered his head, not able to meet his friend's eyes. "I dreamt about it."

~+++~

Jared left the small bathroom when he was certain that his nose wouldn’t swell twice it’s size and he wouldn’t look like an idiot who just had gotten into a fist fight.

Although it wasn’t his looks he was worried about the most. 

Jared was worried about himself. About whether he was truly losing his sense of reality. Just a couple of weeks ago he would have simply laughed about meeting Steve and Chris at this random party after he had dreamed about them. His first thought would have been logical, would have just been the knowledge that he had simply seen them somewhere before.

The first thing that came to his mind wouldn't have been hope. Or the crushing doubt that his dreams were more than just .... dreams.

 

"Sorry for punching you, man." Chad made a face as he looked up at Jared, coming out of the bathroom.

Jared shook his head slightly. "It's okay. You were just worried."

Chad nodded hesitantly, but turned around and left it at that.

 

Silently, they both joined the group of people again, that still seemed to grow. Jared could make out Aldis grinning from ear to ear, welcoming ever single one of them like an old friend. 

"Jeez," Chad chuckled next to him, "look who's crashing a party."

Jared turned around to find out who his friend was talking about and flinched as he saw Tom Welling and Mike Rosenbaum at the other side of the room.

Memories of the three of them hanging around in Tom's house, of Jensen and him shaving Mike's head; memories both true and false were flashing thorugh Jared's mind.

Watching Mike move his hand through his hair reminded Jared with a sting what was wrong and what was right.

"Hey, you're not gonna say hello?" Chad shouted after him, when he had already taking a few steps.

"I need some air," Jared said, not sure if Chad did even hear him.

~+++~

It was chilly outside. Not cold, but the air felt wrong around him, made him shake and think of home, of crisp Vancouver-air. What home felt like he couldn't say anymore, could only tell that he had had home in those dreams, when he still remembered, when he still was oblivious to reality while he was dreaming. It had felt like a home then and now there was barely anything left.

He was more or less alone outside. Just a couple he didn't know were sitting on their jackets far away from him and Jared appreciated the quietness out here, away from the party, away from all the happy and carefree people.

Weeks ago he would have given everything to be like them again, just going back and not caring about what he had dreamed about, what he could have had. Now he would give almost everything just to make all that real.

To conjure Jensen into his life.

"Uhm, Jared? Excuse me?"

The soft voice came from behind and Jared turned around to find Steve, looking nervous and hesitant.

Taking a deep breath and preparing an apology, he took a step forward.

"Yeah?"

Steve cleared his throat and looked up to Jared. "Why do you ... what are you ... when you dream about me, Chris and me, what are you dreaming about?"

Jared felt his cheeks redden and he shook his head. "Dude, no, I'm not dreaming about Chris and you, not in ... not in that way!"

Steve's eyes widened when he understood how Jared must have interpreted the question. He let out an awkward laugh. "No, man. I didn't mean that. Well, I didn't think that, at least."

"Uhm." Steve ran one hand through his hair, his eyes shifting on the ground before him.

"Do you ... when you dream about us, is there ... is there this guy? This blonde guy? Like, a little taller than me, short hair, green eyes, freckles on his face?"

 

~+++~


	10. I Sing Of Things That Are To Be

~*~Jensen~*~

"God, Jared, you're shaking!"

He feels weak under my touch and his face is pale.

His eyes flicker with emotions like they change color in the sun. He's staring at me with eyes dark in shock, and then they're bright green and the love on his face breaks my heart.

"Jared, come on, talk to me!" I plead, but he's just looking up like I'm his whole world.

And like he's about to lose me.

"Jared, no! Nononono!! Come on, stay with me! Jared, stay with me!"

But he's slipping away under my fingers anyway and I can't stop it.

~+++~


	11. part three, chapter one

~+++~

Jared couldn't breathe. 

He was trying, sucking in air deep and fast, but the air didn't seem to reach his lungs. His heart was beating so fast, threatening to burst out of his chest. 

The noise of blood rushing through his ears was deafening, drowning. Bright spots were dancing in front of his eyes, the buzzing in his ears getting louder and stronger each second.

His neck went warm, then hot, burned, and he could see his hands shaking, couldn't feel anything, but he could see them; shaking so hard when he tried to reach for Steve's outstretched hands.

His body was screaming at him, screaming that he should sit down. The ground pulled him down and he tried. He tried to sit down, but he was only on his knees when his vision got dark and everything stopped.

~+++~

No dreams. Just black, cold nothingness surrounds me.

~+++~

When Jared woke up, the scenery was different. He wasn’t outside any longer, but half sitting, half lying on a sofa in a small room that looked like a guest room with the flowery curtains and cushions on the sofa. 

And five pairs of eyes were looking at him with a mixture of worry and expectation.

“You're ... ohmygod, you're ... .”

“Whoa, easy there, buddy.” Christian Kane rushed to him, ready to catch Jared who threatened to fall off the couch when he tried to sit up.

“It’s okay.” Jared found his balance and got himself into an upright position. 

“You okay?” Chad asked, having this tone again that Jared couldn’t decide if it was more anger or concern.

Jared nodded, gasping, struggling to get control. 

“You’re dreaming about him too! You’re ... .” Jared felt himself go dizzy again and he let himself fall back on the couch, looking up to Steve and waiting for an answer, an explanation, something.

“He what?” Chad shot glances between Jared and Steve. “What the fuck is he talking about?”

“I’ve been dreaming about this ... guy,” Steve explained, his voice low and uncertain. “This blonde ... guy. It seems like Jared has been dreaming about him too. And Jared is in my dreams too. Not ... not all the time, but ... I just recognized him.”

“You’re encouraging him?!” Chad shouted and made two steps towards Steve. “He’s fucking sick, man and I'm working my ass off to make him better and you’re just making it worse!”

“You take another step in his direction and you'll have to deal with me,” Chris threatened, his voice steel cold when he stepped in front of Steve. “I wouldn’t suggest it.”

“Guys, calm down a bit, would ya?” Mike dove in, trying to sound casual.

“Just ... stay away from my friend, you freaks,” Chad replied, glaring at Chris without showing any sign of fear.

“Chad,” Jared whispered. He was desperately trying to crawl out of the fog he had been thrown into, to make sense out of what he'd just heard. How could someone else dream about Jensen too? What did that mean?

“No, Jared!” Chad swirled around. “Damn it, I’m tryin to save your ass here, okay?”

“I know.” Jared looked up to his friend, not angry, just sad that he could never make him understand. “Chad, I know. But he’s dreaming about Jensen, too. You know what that means?What it could mean?”

That he might be real? That I could have him? That he can't be just a dream, when Steve sees him too! Jared didn't say any of that out loud, but it was all there, written in his pleading eyes.

 

“Jensen?” a soft reply came from the corner and all heads turned towards Tom, who looked at them, brows furrowed.

“Not you too,” Chad moaned.

Tom just shrugged. “If we’re talking about this blonde guy, like six foot tall, green eyes. Yeah, I’m dreaming about him. We were golfing together. I never thought it a big deal, you know, just a dream. I’ve dreamt about weirder shit in my life.” He leaned forward. “Wait. You're telling me, you're dreaming about him too?”

Like following a crazy game everyone switched their attention to Mike, who was shifting nervously from one foot to the other.

“You're kidding me, right? This is a prank or something, isn't it?” His laughter died when nobody joined in. When the room stayed deadly silent. 

“Uhm, we were just hanging out,” he started, his voice like he was not believing his own words. “Dreamed about us playing Halo and having some beers and stuff.”

“This is terrific!” Chad exclaimed, annoyed and angry, and let himself fall down next to Jared on the sofa. 

 

Silence fell over the room. So deep, like a blanket full of shock and thick with doubts. 

Mike and Tom were staring at the ground before them. Chris and Steve were exchanging looks, confused and worried. 

Jared was staring at nothing, seeing Jensen before his inner eye, trying to understand everything that he had heard.

Chad was watching him, not sure if it was the right time to drag his friend out of here or just take off by himself, leaving him with all the freaks.

"What does it ... what does this mean? Is he ... maybe he's a memory? Maybe he's ... real?" Jared's voice broke on the last words, emotions fighting too strong in him.

~+++~

"You're awfully quiet, man," Chad complained, shooting sideway glances to his friend who was stuffed into the small space of the cab beside him.

"You're not really chatty yourself," Jared shot back, but with no real venom in his voice.

He was tired. So damn tired and confused, his mind swirling so much it made him dizzy.

"It can't be a coincidence, right?" Jared mumbled. "I mean, whatever this is, it's not a coincidence that we have the same dreams right?"

Chad wanted to point out that millions of people were sharing the same dreams. That they were dreaming of falling down somewhere, being naked in class or some weird shit like that. Dreaming of the - supposedly - same guy, didn't have to mean shit. But being the smartass - for once - didn't seem like the way to go.

"Stop that, J.T., come on. Let's file this under too much alcohol and some crazy people who probably played a joke on you."

Jared's head swirled around. "You gotta be kidding me?" He hissed. "After everything you heard back there, you really think that they would prank me?!"

Chad honestly didn't think that. Kane might be an asshole and he didn't know jack about Carlson, but he was absolutely sure that after Tom and Mike had found Jared that night in his house, sitting on the floor and staring at nothing for maybe hours, with the dogs running around him, barking their lungs out - they would never play a trick on Jared like that. Not ever.

“I don’t know, okay?" Chad answered instead, throwing his hands in the air. "You just freak me out!”

Jared huffed and turned his head away. “So you don’t feel like something’s wrong?” He asked, his voice low like he was remembering the cab driver in front of them.

“Are you kidding me?" Chad hissed back and made Jared turn back to him again. "How could I feel anything but? You act like your lover just died! You skip work, you abandon your dogs, you don’t eat! Everything is wrong, Jared!”

Jared paled and turned his head down. 

Chad winced as he remembered just how terribly right he was with what he'd just said.

He sighed. “Come on, just ... we will figure this out, okay?” 

When Jared didn't react, Chad placed a hand on his arm and squeezed it. He knew that he had to get a little more touchy-feely with Jared than he normally was comfortable with.

“I promise, J.T., we will find a way out of this shit, okay? Just please, please, listen to me once and let it go for now.”

~+++~

He's lying on the too white couch of his apartment when I start dreaming; watching TV, but I can tell that he's not paying attention. He seems nervous, restless, and with a sting I realize that he's worrying about me. 

"Can't sleep?" My voice is raspy and his head turns to me. 

He nods.

"I'm sorry," I whisper in response and lower my head. 

"It's not your fault." 

I'm wearing only boxers and a t-shirt, my usual nightwear, and my feet make funny tapping sounds on the floor when I walk over to him.

He chuckles when I simply crawl over him and snuggle against him, my head resting on his shoulder, my hand over his heart. I can feel it beating against my palm and I never want to move it away. Never. It's right where it belongs.

I would give everything for you to be real, I think; the tiny spark of hope fluttering in my chest.

We stay like this, silently, just feeling each other, breathing each other in and the tiny spark of hope that he might as well be real, just ... away, almost doesn't hurt anymore. Because this is what hope does; hurting you, pulling you up from the floor just so you can fall down once again. I'm not gonna let it hurt me, not while I can have him here like this.

"You got me so scared, man," he admits, his voice low. 

It takes a moment until I know what he's talking about. The concussion. The concussion he thinks I had because a doctor had told him after checking my head. I don't exactly know what happened. I never dreamt of going to a doctor. But I can't help but be happy that Jensen got an explanation for my behaviour, a reason why I would forget about him. Even if it's keeping him up at night and bringing concern into his eyes; it's way better than the truth.

"I love you," I whisper into his skin, mouthing his neck.

For a second I think he's going to pull away, but instead he pulls me closer and buries his nose in my hair. "I love you too."

~+++~

Chad was still sleeping when Jared woke up the next morning. He could hear him snoring in his bedroom. 

Going through the motions, having a shower, eating some breakfast, twenty minutes later Jared still felt like he was in a daze. 

Maybe Jensen was real.

That thought had weaselled its way so deep in Jared's mind, just the idea of it made his heart beat faster. What if? What if he could actually have him? What if he wasn't crazy?

 

Jared was sitting at the kitchen table, lost in his own thoughts, when his cell phone rang. 

"Hey, Jared."

"Sandy, hey." Jared was surprised how good it felt to hear her voice. 

"Hi Baby. How are you?" She sounded concerned and Jared cursed himself again for making everyone around him worry so much.

"I'm ... better," he tried not to lie.

He heard her sigh on the other end. "Just wanted to talk to you, see how you were doing. You're at Chad's, right?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry that I'm not at home," she apologized. "I would have loved to see you, baby."

"Yeah, me too." 

They stay silent for a moment, both trying to find reassuring words, both failing. 

“Sandy, I have another question,” Jared started and waited for Sandy to interrupt him, but she just stayed silent, waiting for him to go on.

“How did you know that it was a guy? I mean, that .... that there would ever be a guy?” 

“So you found him?” She asked again, and this time, Jared could answer. 

“Yes. I found him.”

“Oh, baby, I'm so happy for you,” she told him and Jared could hear that she meant it.

And it broke his heart. She had no idea what it meant for him to have found him. No idea.

"I ... okay, this is gonna sound crazy, okay?" She laughed awkwardly into the phone on the other end. "I ... I kept dreaming about you with a guy. You know, nothing bad or ... or intimate. Just you hanging around with this beautiful guy with this amazing green eyes, and ... yeah.... it just felt right, you know? Like this is how it's meant to be for you."

Jared closed his eyes, drawing in a shaky breath.

"Now you think I'm crazy," Sandy stated.

"No. No, I really don't think that," was Jared answer and he had to admit that her words were exactly what he had been expecting.

~+++~

Jared was still sitting at the kitchen table, playing absentmindedly with the phone, when he heard the doorbell.

Wondering briefly if he should answer it while Chad was still sleeping, he got up and made his way down the hallway to the front door.

"I swear to god we just met here," Mike Rosenbaum pointed out as soon as Jared's gaze swept over him, his hands in the air and his face serious. "That and the fact that I'm up at this ungodly hour should be proof enough for all of us that something's really really wrong here."

Jared stepped aside and let Mike in, Tom, Chris and Steve following behind him.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Jared asked, staying behind at the door and still staring at them in total confusion.

"Like he said, man," Chris answered. "We met in front of the house. Didn't really plan on coming here together."

"Yeah, but what are you doing here?" Jared asked again, finally closing the door.

The four men in front of him exchanged an awkward look.

"You know that part when everything just screams at you to do a certain thing?" Tom started cautiously.

"Yeah," Mike chimed in, excited, "like when you think about getting a dog and you can't really decide and all day you see like those commercials on dog food and you get this flyer in the mail about doggie-beds on sale and you just know that the answer is yes?!"

Steve and Chris shared another look, both chuckling.

"Yeah, pretty much like that," Steve nodded in Jared's direction and sighed.

"Okay, if we have a meeting in my house," a sleepy voice interrupted from the stairs, "can we please have it somewhere sitting down and preferably with me getting breakfast?"

Chad didn't spare them another glance but trotted into his kitchen, not waiting for anyone to follow him.

“Hey, Murray, where’s your girl? Didn’t you have a new wife?” Chris shouted but Chad didn't even turn around.

“Fuck off, Kane," he muttered wearily and started pouring cereal into a bowl. 

 

"So, how do we find this Ackles-guy?" Chad asked around a mouthful of cereal and looked at the group of men who had gathered around the large kitchen counter. "Or, you know, how do we find out if that guy even exists?"

Five pairs of eyes stared at him.

"Since when did you get in the game?" Tom finally asked, speaking the others' minds.

Chad shrugged. "Just figured no point in bitching when you guys keep up with that shit anyway."

"Chad," Jared warned. "Just yesterday you were thinking these guys were playing a terrible joke on me and now this?"

"The fuck?" Mike made an outraged face but nobody paid attention to him. All eyes were still on Chad.

"Chad," Jared warned again, his voice growing more impatient.

Chad huffed and rolled his eyes. "Okay, I might have dreamed about something tonight. Can we keep it at that and never talk about it? Like ever again?"

After another moment of silence, Steve cleared his throat and was the first to speak.

"So, there's something we need to tell you." 

All eyes shot up to him, but his own rested on his boyfriend. "You should tell them."

"What? What do you know?" Jared turned to Chris, hope clearly shown in his eyes.

Chris hesitated. "I did some research on the name Jensen Ackles."

"You did some research? What are you? FBI?" Chad joked.

Chris rolled his eyes. "No. But I have a good friend who can do that shit."

"And who owed you a favor," Mike and Chad mocked in unison and then shared a surprised look, fighting a grin.

"Guys, could you stop that please?"

"There's no one with the name Jensen Ackles in the entire US or in Canada."

A beat of silence filled the room.

"But," Chris started again, taking a deep breath,"I found something else."

"There's a family named Ackles down in Dallas, Texas. They've been in the newspapers and focus on the local gossip a lot lately."

"Why?" Chad asked, all mockery vanished from his attitude.

"They've been claiming that they're missing a son."

"What?" came the reply from Tom.

"So he's real? I mean, that's a sign, right?" Jared couldn't stop himself from getting excited, letting the hope inside him take over. 

He could be real. He could be real.

Chris shrugged his shoulders. "I honestly don't know. Despite what the family is saying, there's no record of a man named Jensen Ackles. No birth records, school records, nothing. There's one or two people outside the family that encourage them, say that they remember a little boy or a teenager too. Look, everyone is saying something different. But the fact is, there is no Jensen Ackles."

Jared sighed desperately and waves his hands in the air. "What ... I don't understand what that means for us now."

"I have no idea," Chris answered, wearing an apologetic expression on his face.

"So maybe he had been taken. By the government or something," Mike suggested carefully.

"Well," Steve smiled at that, "maybe not that, but what about the witness protection program?"

Chris shook his head lightly. "That would explain the missing records, but not the missing memories. And before any of you says it, no, this is not "Men in Black" and I don't believe that the government can make us forget things."

"So we have basically nothing, right?" A sad smile spread over Jared's face.

Chris nodded. "For now."

"What about a medium?" Chad asked into the round, shoving his bowl to the side.

"He's not dead, Chad," Jared snapped immediately, harsher than he had intended.

"Jeez, J.T., I wasn't saying that, okay?" Chad responded, but his voice took a gentle note. "But these people know things, right? Maybe we could just ask."

"Do you believe in that stuff? Really?" Chris didn't even try to hide a grin.

"Look, doesn't seem to me like we have another option, right?" Chad asked him angrily. "You can keep on searching for him in files if you want, but I'd say we cover all the possibilities, alright?"

Chris didn't answer right away. But then, seemingly impressed by Chad standing up to him, he nodded. "Looks like we have a plan."

~+++~


	12. part three, chapter two

~+++~

"Dude, you're sure this is the right place?" Mike whispered, staring at the small house with the white picket-fence and the rose bushes growing in the back.

"Uhm." Chad looked up too, both men sharing the same disbelieving look.

"Isn't that a little too ... normal?" Chris asked from the front.

The other guys just shrugged. 

"It's the right address," Chad stated, checking with the piece of paper in his hand. "I'm sure that's the house."

 

It was about a week later since that night at Aldis' party and somehow they had found each other back in Vancouver where Chad had located some kind of medium. Or a witch. He wasn't that sure. 

Jared parked the car on the side, just three houses down the road and all four men crawled out of the car, feeling like they were thrown into a weird unrealistic dream. Tom and Steve had stayed behind back at Jared's house, so it was Chris, Chad and Mike who were accompanying Jared.

They didn't even have to ring the doorbell. As soon as they had reached the front door, it was opened.

"You're finally here," a rough, female voice said. "We've been waiting for a long time."

 

An old, petite woman with short, dark hair stepped aside and let the men in.

All four men entered the small hallway awkwardly, too nervous and too confused to remember the manners their mothers had tried to pound into them. 

"So you know who we are? And why we're here?" Chris wanted to know; his voice hard but polite.

But the woman turned to Jared and tilted her head, nodding. "I've known for a while that you would come, Jared. I was hoping for you it would be sooner. But the important thing is that you came."

She led them into a small living room. 

"What do you know about all this, Mrs. ... ?" Chris asked, raising his voice at the end.

The old woman smiled. "You can call me Mrs. Morta."

"Okay, Mrs. Morta," Chris went on. "Are we crazy? Or did someone slip us the same drugs?"

"A government conspiracy?" Chad stepped in helpfully.

Mrs. Morta chuckled lightly. "No, nothing like that."

She sat down on an old used armchair. "Jensen has been real. He was everything that you dreamed about."

"So he's ... dead now?" Jared felt a wave of nausea and a moment later he was sitting on of the big chairs, Chris just letting go of his arm. The look on the other man's face was serious ... and scared.

The old lady shook her head. "He's not dead. He's been removed from this world, or from this reality if you want."

"Who did that?" Mike wanted to know but the pleading tone in Jared's voice when he spoke, almost drowned out Mike's words.

"Can you ... do you know how I can get him back?"

Mrs. Morta let her gaze drift over the group, studying one face after the other. Than she nodded to herself like she had come to a conclusion. "I see. You're so much like I imagined. It's not my place to tell who is responsible for this. Not yet. And I can't help you get him back." Her eyes turned to Jared. "That's all on you, Jared. What I can give you back is your memory of him."

"Yes." Jared whispered just as Chad raised his voice. "What do you mean it's on him?"

"I just ... yes, okay?" Jared cut in, shooting Chad and Mrs. Morta a pleading look. "I just want my memories back. I want to remember, please."

"Okay," was Mrs. Morta's simple answer.

"Jared! Jared, wait a second," Chris chimed in, sounding alarmed. He waited until he got Jared's full attention before he went on. "What if you can't get him back? I mean for real. Then memories are everything you have left and it would feel like he died. Are you sure you want to go through this?"

"Yeah. God, yeah. I can't ... I need to remember him. Not knowing, there could be nothing worse."

"Dude." Chad looked concerned at Jared's answer. "Maybe Kane is right. Maybe you shouldn't."

"Chad, please, I have to." Jared's voice was almost nothing more than a whisper.

"Be certain, young man." Mrs. Morta regarded Jared with a stern look. "Removing him from your life took a lot of effort. To rid the world of memories and lives is an easy one. But your memories are connected to emotions, sitting so deep inside you, it would destroy you completely if someone would have taken them too. That's why you feel him. That's why your heart remembers."

She gave him a deep, caring smile.

"Taking him out of your life left you empty. So empty that you had to spend days in a hospital, waiting for your body to adjust. Giving your memories back now, well, the emptiness will be filled. In an instant."

Jared shuddered. But he nodded. There was no question. No competition. He wanted to remember. He wanted him back.

"Okay, young man." She rose from her chair, walked over to him with tiny steps and reached for his forehead. 

A feather-light touch, just two fingers brushing his skin, and then she stepped back, smiling, as if she was pleased with herself.

"Go back. Back to your house. Once you enter, get to the door to the empty room. When you touch it, it will all come back to you."

Jared swallowed. The other guys all looked almost as nervous as he felt, shifting their feet and their eyes. 

"Th... thank you," Jared stammered and got up.

"You're welcome." She smiled at him, then it turned into a grin and she added, "And make sure a bathroom is nearby."

~+++~

They drove back in complete silence. The air around them was humming with a nervous energy. No one said a word. No one threw as much as a glance to the other. 

The made their way back with the certain knowledge that everything would change.

 

They let Jared go out of the car and into the house first. 

Walking quietly behind, they watched him crossing the hall, not even bothering getting his shoes off, and heading for the empty room. 

Tom and Steve came out of the kitchen, their faces nervous and questioning. But the words died in their throats as they saw the looks n the other's faces.

The house was filled with frightening anticipation as Jared stopped in front of the door. All six guys were staring at it with a mixture of hope and deep fear.

Jared looked up, waiting for a sign, for a go. But Mike and Tom were sharing a nervous glance, Steve had pulled Chris' hand into his and Chad just looked as if he wanted to stop him and Jared knew that he had to do it on his own.

He drew in a deep breath, nodding to himself, and then he reached out.

When his fingers touched the cold wood he blacked out with a scream.

~+++~

Twenty minutes later he was still screaming, clutching the toilet with wet-cold hands and retching violently. The tears streaming down his face and his own voice, choking, screaming, sobbing; he wasn't noticing any of that. 

His mind, his whole being, was just filled with one thing.

Jensen.

~+++~

I wake up in Jensen's arms. I feel him holding me upright and I know instantly that it is him. 

"God, Jared, you're shaking!"

His hair feels soft against my skin and it smells like our shampoo; the one that he loves to buy, not me. He always buys two of them, tells me that if he goes to the shop anyway, he can very well buy for the two of us. 

"Jared, come on, talk to me!"

I move my fingers over the thin jersey he's wearing and I remember when he bought it. How he came home with two bags full of new clothes and how he was bitching how his momma still made him buy clothes when she visited him, thinking that he wasn't capable of taking care of that himself. I remember how the smile on his face he tried to hide so bad never left the whole day. The fabric feels so soft and so much like home and I just want to curl deeper, hold on and never let go.

"Jared, no! Nononono!! Come on, stay with me! Jared! Jared, stay with me!"

~+++~

Jared heard them panic. Heard them scream and shout at each other, felt himself being lifted up, sat down some place. Felt something wet wipe over his face, thought of Sadie or Harley, but maybe it was only a washcloth. Felt himself stripped of his jeans and shirt, tucked into something soft and warm, but he couldn't stop shaking, was shaking so hard his muscles hurt.

It was later. Minutes or hours, but his mind had crawled back so deep inside himself that he felt like floating, felt so far away from everything like he was the one that wasn't real, was just a dream.

“What have we done, man?” A voice whimpered and Jared would only be told later that it had belonged to Mike, who was huddled in a corner, his face pale and his eyes wide.

“Let me call a doctor, man!!” Someone screamed, loud and aggressive but Jared didn’t even flinch, could hear it but it never made its way to his consciousness.

“Give me that fucking phone!” another one snarled.

There was a sound in Jared's head, like a cling or a clatter, only softer, and it wasn't stopping, tapping like it had its own rhythm. 

“Murray, give me that phone and then get that fucking pen! He's biting his tongue off goddamnit!” 

Jared's mind was floating. He wasn't able to hold a thought. They were like words just flying around him, drifting by, but nothing reached him. Nothing touched him.

His eyes were open. He would have been told that later as well but it didn't make a difference right then.

He felt like falling. Deeper and deeper into something soft, mellow. Like layer after layer of thick, fluffy cotton was put around him, so no feeling could get close anymore. Not close enough to hurt.

"Don't let him get catatonic, please," someone whimpered. "I can't do this again, please, I can't see that again. I won't see that again, I won't ... ."

There was a sharp slap and the voice died down immediately. Jared didn't even stir.

"Get yourself together, man, okay? You're no help like this, Murray," another voice said, gentler. Someone who had not been talking before.

"Steve, help me with Jared," a voice close to him said and a dark shadow was standing to his right that seemed so far away, that Jared would never be able to touch it when he reached out his hand. "Tom, you stay with Chad and Mike. Get them to calm down, okay?"

"What the hell did we do?" The voice from the corner whimpered again.

Jared didn't feel the pen that was slid between his teeth but the clinging sound stopped and the layers of cotton got thicker.

"You sure we shouldn't call for help, man?" another voice from the left whispered.

"Steve, I don't know anything, okay? Just that this isn't what happens when someone touches a damn door."

"Maybe that witch hypnotised him, or something?"

"I don't know. This is just ... this is so fucked up, man. We sure as hell shouldn't be here now. We have gigs to plan man, I have scripts to read. What the hell are we doing up here in Canada?"

There was a low chuckle to his left and Jared was still falling deeper.

"You're doubting this now?"

"No! That's the goddamn problem!" The voice on the right hissed. "This feels like the only right thing to do. Like ... everything is better than to get back home and get on with our lives like everything's okay."

There was a pause, then more talking just outside the room. Someone asking from the hallway what they're going to do next. If they should call someone. 911, maybe. The witch.

"Let's give him two hours. If he's not better then, we'll take him to a hospital and call that witch."

 

There was another voice. Not coming from around Jared but ... from inside his head. Growing louder and louder, the voice was calling out to him, calling his name and Jared clung to that voice as he slowly drifted to sleep.

~+++~

"Jared! Jared! Hey, wake up, man! Come on!"

I blink my eyes open to find Jensen staring at me, his face paler then usual, freckles sprinkled like dark dots all over.

"What happened?" I ask him and only then feel how weird my voice feels in my throat. Like I had been screaming or crying a whole day.

Jensen huffs but I can see the relief on his face and that confuses me. "You just scared the crap out of me, that's what! You okay?"

"I don't ... ." I look down on myself, move my feet and my hands. "Yeah, I guess." Then I take a look around me, notice the white walls, the other bed across from mine, empty. "I'm in a hospital," I say, but there's something else, something more important and I can feel it but I can't put my finger on it.

Fear creeps up inside me. I feel it making its way up my back over my neck. There's something else. Something wrong.

"You blacked out, man," Jensen explains, resting his hand just next to mine like he isn't sure if he wants to touch it. "And I ... after your concussion I wasn't taking any risks, man."

 

It all comes back like a punch. 

I gasp, grasp my heart when my throat is suddenly locked. 

I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming.

And Jensen ...

 

He is there, all there, right in front of me, Jensen, my Jensen.

He looks up, his eyes so soft when they meet mine, and I'm clenching my jaw and closing my eyes. 

This is too much.

This is way too much for me to handle. 

"Jared?" he says, but his words barely reach me. 

He.is.right.there. My Jensen, my life, my everything. 

I haven't seen him like that before.

I love him, god, I've always loved him.

I've never opened my eyes and seen my whole life in his. I've never known what he meant to me. 

My eyes open again with the need to see him. They shift hungrily over his face, drink in everything that I've missed for so long.

"Jared, hey?"

He's close now, right in front of me and his hand is touching my cheek.

I don't want to cry. I didn't even know I still had tears.

But I'm lying here, lost and found at the same time, and he's hugging me tight and whispering things that I can't hear, because I'm crying, because I have found him. And I've lost him.

~+++~

Jared woke up crying. His chest was burning like fire and he was sobbing with grief when the first deep intakes of air filled his lungs. 

He could see the others watching him carefully and he just buried his face in his hands and let himself fall, let himself cry and sob, let himself lose it.

"I need him back," he whispered, his voice too shredded to use. "I need him back. I need him back."

~+++~

"Hey, Jared. Wake up," a gentle voice tells me and I feel a hand brushing over my shoulder. "The doc wants to check up on you again."

The lump in my throat isn't gone, it still feels like I'm suffocating slowly but seeing Jensen helps. Helps a lot.

"Jensen," I whisper, reaching for his hand.

He takes it, squeezes it gently. "I'll be right outside. If something's wrong, just shout, okay?" He squeezes my hand again and lets go, leaves the room and closes the door quietly.

"Jensen." I can't help the whimper in my voice. I can’t watch him go, watch him close the door behind him and not feel something inside me scream for him to come back.

"Jared, he's outside," a female voice says next to me, sounding comforting and soothing. "Just a couple of feet away. He will not leave you."

But I can't turn around to see who that is. My eyes are glued to the door. The door that Jensen has just left through. "He has. God, he has," I say and it sounds a lot like a sob.

"Jared." A hand touches me and forces me to turn my head. "Do you remember what happened?"

Dr. Moira looks at me and right now, I don't know what the weird, nagging feeling inside me means. "I fainted," I tell her, trying to remember. "Got put in a hospital. Now I'm back home."

She chuckled. "Yeah, that's the short version, huh?"

"What do you want?" I snarl at her.

"I'm Dr. Moira, Jared. I'm a psychiatrist." Her voice is neutral now, professional, and that's when I realize it.

I'm not supposed to know her. I don't know her, not here. And she has no idea who I am. 

"And you're making house-calls now?" I ask and can't fight the bitter sound in my tone.

"Well, you're a special patient." The smile sits perfectly on her face, but then it softens and she turns serious again. "I'm here to help you, Jared."

I huff and say nothing.

"This has happened to you before, isn't that right?"

I frown, try to think of what she might be talking about. "You mean ... I just fell in the kitchen. Hit my head."

Dr. Moira shakes her head. "No. I'm not talking about that. Jensen told me that you had a break down before. In the first year of the show."

It takes some time until I realize on what she's getting at. I sigh. "Yeah, I ... .God, that was just ... . I didn't know where my limits were. Let myself work too much, let them ask too much of me."

"And you did it again?" she asks. "Reached your limit?"

I don't answer her for a long time. "Yeah. Yeah, maybe."

She places a hand on my arm, making me look at her.

"Jared, I need you to be honest with me, okay? Let me help you. Just be honest. Because the prize for your honesty is right outside that door, waiting for you to get better."

~+++~

Jared woke up with Chris sitting at his side. He made the connection immediately this time, realized the difference between reality and dream in an instant, not like it had happened in the first dream with these wonderful seconds of blissful ignorance.

He didn't say a word. Pushed the pain in his chest aside and ignored the silence around him. With careful, controlled movements, he climbed out of his bed, making his way out of the room on groggy feet.

"Jared, what is it?" Chris asked behind him, already on his feet to follow him.

Jared didn't answer. He felt like his mind could only follow a single task, one task, and everything else would distract him, make him weak.

And that task was to go down the stairs and open the door to the room that sat right across the living room, only a couple of feet away from the front door.

Out of the corners of his eyes he could see Chad and Tom getting up from the couches, Mike coming out of the kitchen.

He could feel them wait, could almost taste the energy radiating off of them. They watched him, ready to react.

Like it would happen again; like he would fall again, scream again.

But he wouldn't. He was composed. Deadly quiet. He knew what lay behind that door. Knew what he would find. What he wouldn't find.

But he still had to see it with his own eyes.

 

The doorknob felt cold in his hands. It didn't make a sound as he turned it and opened the door.

Blank walls. A blank floor. An empty room.

"He's not here," Jared made a rasping sound.

"You mean Jensen?" Chris asked, his voice careful.

Jared turned around slowly. He nodded. "Never has been here," he stated, his voice as empty as the room behind him.

"I'm sorry," Chris whispered, his face skewed in a painful grimace.

Jared nodded again, couldn't move otherwise.

"Where are ... Harley and Sadie, where are they?"

"Steve's out to get them from your dogsitter," Mike explained. "We thought they might help you to feel better."

"Thank you," Jared whispered.

"You should ... ," Chad cleared his throat. "Man, you should sit down, you just ... you don't look so good."

Jared's eyes drifted to the living room, over the couch, the coffee-table, the television. It all looked familiar. And then it didn't.

The color of the carpet was wrong, a light blue instead of green, the pile of dvd's next to the tv too small, the cd's on the shelf too few. There was a lot missing.

Jensen was missing.

Jared swallowed and broke his stare only as Tom and Chris circled him, looking ready to catch him anytime.

"Let's get you upstairs, man." Chris voice was gentle but didn't allow backtalk.

Chad moved ahead, Jared followed, and he could hear Chris behind him. 

With still shaky legs, Jared sat himself down on the bed. The warmth still lingered to the sheets, where he had laid just minutes ago.

"Why are you all still here? Don't you have to be shooting your show?" Jared asked, his question directed at Chris, but it was Chad who answered. 

"Dude, you wanna kick us out?"

"No, just ... ."

"Then stop asking stupid questions and get your rest. I'll be making dinner tonight, so you better be up for it, right?" Chad grinned but Jared could see the worry behind that.

And he wasn't missing the little difference in Chad's eyes. Something ... something he didn't see before. Not something huge or important. But something different.

Like a stab to his heart, Jared realized that Chad wasn't really himself. Not the Chad he knew. Not the Chad a Jared with a Jensen in his life knew.

"Which means actually take-out," he heard Chris say.

"Shut up, Kane," Chad countered. "My treat tonight. You don't watch your mouth, you get nothing to eat. And no, I'm not allowing your boyfriend to share with you."

"Get your ass out, Murray." Chris waves him off and both he and Jared watch how Chad flips Chris off, but leaves the room to head downstairs. 

"Uh," Chris made a face. "Please don't tell me I like this guy in our real reality."

Despite everything, Jared laughed."Nah. It's pretty much the same."

Chris turned serous. "So, we're friends, huh? I mean, in a world with Jensen in it?"

Jared nodded. "Yeah. You've known him for a long time, longer than I do. You're close friends. Steve's with him too. I got to know you through him. Steve keeps coming to our conventions, it's always fun with him. I think you even got Jensen to sing with you on stage for your birthday."

"I ... I dreamed about that." Chris smiled at the memory, then turned his head down. "So ... Steve and I ... are we ... ?"

"You're all over each other, all the time!" Jared laughed wearily at the shocked expression on Chris' face. "Nah, okay. Not that but everyone can see how much you love each other. You're happy."

"Good. That's good." Jared could see Chris swallow and take a deep breath. He looked relieved.

"So, you do remember it all now? Him?" The other man looked up to Jared.

"Yeah, he's ... ," everything, was screaming in his head, but he didn't say that out loud. Judging from the look Chris gave him, he probably didn't have to. "It's like ... it's doesn't feel like I suddenly remember, you know? It's like all of it has never been gone, like I have to remind myself that this, here, is not the dream."

Jared closed his eyes briefly, fighting the emotions that threatened to overcome him. "It just feels like I haven't seen Jensen for a very long time," he whispered.

 

"Hey, how are you feeling?" A dark voice came from the doorframe. Tom was leaning against it, throwing a concerned look at Jared.

"I'm ... ." Jared didn't speak any further. He couldn't find a word that could describe him now. Nothing could explain how he was feeling.

Like someone had died. Like someone was missing. Like his life had been taken away from him and he'd been given another one that he should believe was his. And so much more than that.

The silence stretched inside the room until Tom finally nodded, understanding. "Yeah. I'm sorry, man."

"Thanks for taking care of me." Jared said and meant it.

Tom gave him a weary smile. "Well, we kinda feel like that's the right thing to do. It's weird though. I haven't lived with so many guys in one house in forever. I feel like we're in a summer camp or something." 

Jared groaned, remembering Tom's wife and how she was probably worried with Tom out of the house for such a long time. "You have to go home, man. Jamie will kill me if I'm occupying her husband for too long."

The puzzled look on Tom's and Chris' faces reminded him again of how different things were now. How much Jared knew. How much everyone else didn't. Here, Jared had never met Jamie.

"So we know each other pretty good, huh?" Tom asked, grinning, after he had composed himself.

Jared nodded again. "We hang out a lot. Jensen's been on Smallville for a season. That's how we really got to know each other."

"I truly wish I could remember that." Tom replied, his voice low. 

Jared swallowed thickly, his throat tightening. It got harder with every second. With every glance of people he had known for so long, had spent so much time with, who meant so much to him; and having them look like they didn't even knew who Jared was.

"Okay, let's get you some more sleep, buddy," Chris seemed to sense Jared's mood. He got up, motioning for Tom to follow him outside. 

"We'll tell you when the food is ready," Tom said, before they left the room, closing the door behind them.

Jared didn't move. Made no effort to get into bed and sleep some more. He didn't want to dream of Jensen. He wanted him here.

"I wish you'd be here now, Jen," Jared whispered into the room, his heart breaking some more when he got no answer.

~+++~

Hours melted into days of the same routine over and over again. Very little changed. 

Chad had left a couple of days earlier, had to go back to L.A. to visit his agent, read some scripts, go to auditions; living a normal life. Tom and Chris were to follow him that day and Jared didn't know how he felt about that.

He feared to be alone. Left with himself and too much time to think. But there were days where he couldn't stand looking at any of the guys, when all that was looking back at him was a kind politeness and what could be the start of a friendship.

They already were friends. They were past this, past the awkward beginnings, the figuring out who the other one was and how they could fit together.

With Jensen, they were close. Had been close.

 

Jared was standing in his bedroom, lost in thoughts, as Steve knocked on his door.

"Hey, Tom and Chris are leaving now," he announced as he opened the door a little.

"Coming down," Jared replied softly and listened to Steve's footsteps, leaving the hallway.

Mentally preparing himself, he turned around and went downstairs where the guys were already waiting for him.

Tom smiled at him and drew Jared into a friendly hug. "Hey, take care of you, okay? Call when something ... happens."

"Sure, I will," Jared replied thankfully. "Thank you, Tom. For everything, man. I know ... you don't know me that well, but thanks."

Tom stepped aside and let Chris say his goodbye. 

"Hey, don't give up, okay?" The shorter man said, as he hugged Jared as well.

"I won't. I can't," Jared promised him.

Chris nodded and smiled. "That's good. You call. Anytime, for anything. Got that?"

"Yeah, thank you Chris."

The four men looked awkwardly at each other with Mike standing a little aside, neither really ready to leave.

"Okay," Steve announced and broke the tension. "I'm gonna take Tom home and drop Chris off at the airport. Will be back later, okay?"

"Yeah." Jared nodded again and watched him shove Chris and Tom out of the house.

 

"Dude, you in for some Madden?" Mike asked cheerfully, leaning against the stairs.

Jared hesitated. "No, Mike. Thanks, but ... not now," he replied weakly. 

"Sure." He just shrugged and went back into the living room.

 

The shrill sound of his ringtone startled Jared, but when he read Chad's name on the screen he smiled to himself. Chad had called every single day since he had gone back to L.A.

"Hey."

"Hey, it's me. How's it going?"

"Tom and Chris just left," Jared told him.

"But Steve and Mike are still with you, right?"

Jared's smile grew at the concerned tone in Chad's voice. It felt good to be so cared for. And it was certainly a side of Chad Jared hadn't seen very often. 

It felt good. Even if he wished that he wouldn't have to go through all this. "Yeah."

"Hey, if you need me to swing by, just say the word, okay?"

"I know, Chad, 's not necessary," Jared chuckled finally. "I appreciate it man, I really do."

Silence fell over them. Jared could hear Chad breathe on the other end, could picture his friend deep in thoughts. That wasn't like him either.

"Chad, man. You're quiet. You're scaring me here."

Chad sighed. "Just ... Jared just find him, okay? Get him back somehow."

"I will," Jared promised without missing a beat. That was always the first thought on his mind. Get him back.

"Chad what is this all about?"

"I never told you what I dreamed about, huh?" Chad asked, knowing the answer. "To be honest, it scared the crap out of me."

"Why?" 

"Not what happened. No," he heard his friend laugh at the other end. "That was just some old plain hanging around and stuff. It just ... man, you scared the crap out of me. The way you were around him. Like he was the sun of your goddamn universe or something. You were so ... happy."

Jared stayed silent, didn't know what to answer.

"You know, like, really happy. Totally content with your life," Chad explained and Jared knew what he was talking about.

"Yeah," Jared breathed out, stealing himself against the pain that threatened to wash over him.

"Just seeing who you could be, what a happy person you could be, that's just ... . God, you're so much better with him. I think even I could be better with him, not having to have an eye on your sorry ass all the time," Chad joked, covering up the worry that was buried underneath.

 

"Hey, you're still there?" Chad asked hesitantly after Jared had stayed quiet on his end of the call.

"Yeah, of course. Just ... I think you're right. That we're all better with him." Jared paused, let the words sink in.

"And I'm not saying that because I'm head over heals in love with him and miss him like crazy. I mean I can see it too. I'm different with him. You are. You are happier, crazier," he chuckled lightly at the offended gasp on the other side. "Tom and Mike are different too. Tom talks more and Mike is more relaxed, way more easy going. And Chris and Steve ... ." Jared took a deep breath as he realized just how true his words were. How different they all really were. "Chris and Steve are not open with their relationship. But they are more around us, you know? Show affection. Are more relaxed with each other." "Everyone is better with him."

~+++~

A couple of days later, Jared was slowly drifting back into reality, coming from yet another dream. It was Steve’s voice that was finally cutting through to him. 

Jared didn't know what Chris was saying on the other end, but according to Steve's voice, they were fighting. Or at least debating.

"Yeah, he's ... doing alright."

"I don't know. We're not getting any further."

"No."

"It's just ... I have doubts sometimes, man. That we're just believing in something that isn't really there."

"Yes, I do feel it. I do." 

"Yeah, Chris, but I'm just scared. What if we never find him? Never get him back? We can't spend our lives chasing for something that just isn't there."

The conversation stopped pretty soon after that.

Jared heard them exchange whispered 'I love you's' and then Steve walked someplace else in the house.

Jared felt numb. He wished Jensen was here. Jensen would comfort him. Jensen would tell him that he wasn't insane. Jensen would believe him.

But Jensen wasn't there and that was what made the world stop spinning. 

Walking with his legs like jelly, Jared got out of bed and put on some clothes. He felt like he was dreaming now. Like he was having this terrible nightmare where he just wanted to run and all he could do was lift his feet, one by one, in slow motion, not making any progress at all.

The house was silent when he came downstairs. Not the deafening silence he had been so used to, but silence nonetheless. Like it was waiting for something to happen. For someone to snap.

He found Steve and Mike in the living room; Steve on the laptop, his face scrunched up in concentration. And Mike watching TV, obviously bored out of his mind. 

They both looked up when Jared entered the room, concern written on both their faces.

"How did you sleep?" Mike asked as if he didn't know the answer.

"Been dreaming," Jared answered, as if they hadn't done this routine the last couple of days.

~+++~

The day went by slowly and uneventful. Jared didn't feel fit enough to go back to set, didn't feel like he could care enough to do it alone. Mike was out of town for the day, meeting with his agent and Steve had taken Harley and Sadie for a long run.

Jared envied them. He was by all means not the only one affected. When he had a clear moment, he could see the dark circles on his friends' faces, could see how everything was taking its toll on them. But Jared couldn't relax enough to fall back into this life, this fake life, even if it would help him. He missed running with his dogs, missed working out in the garage and doing everything that had always felt so important to him. 

Nothing did anymore. 

And on top of all that, his mind was playing tricks on him. Mixing up dreams, snippets of reality and memories like a huge, unresolved puzzle. And every minute he had to struggle to keep it together. 

It was moments like these, when he wandered down the stairs in his house and absentmindedly looked at the picture of him and his sister on the wall, when it suddenly hit him and he remembered what was supposed to be hanging there.

A picture of Jensen and his sister. Things he would never have known if everything had stayed normal - what picture was hanging in the hallway next to the kitchen door, did Jensen's door open from the left or the right - all these things were swirling in his head now, like crucial, most important facts about a lost life.

Like the phone number of Jensen's sister.

Jared's hands were shaking when he had found a pen and a paper to write that number down.

In his real life, he had the number in his cell, sure, but he had never been able to know the number without looking it up. But the memory of that picture on the wall, the real one, the one with Jensen and Mackenzie posing for their Momma after a small family meeting, must have triggered something.

 

Jared knew that he would call even when he kept collecting all the reasons in his head why he really shouldn't. But Chris' voice rang in his head with what he'd said about the Ackles family. That they were looking for Jensen. That they were missing a son.

The static in the line and then the dragging ringtone seemed endless, before he heard the final click and a young female voice answered him.

"Yeah?"

"Mac." Any other word died in his throat as the feelings overwhelmed him. 

To hear her voice, to know that she was out there, real; Jared swallowed thickly and took a shaky breath.

"Who ... who is there?"

"Jared."

There was a long silence on the other end before she finally said something.

"I ... I know you, right?" Her voice was trembling and cautious and Jared could almost see her: eyes wide, the freckles she shared with her brother prominent on her pale skin.

"Yeah. In another life, you do," Jared answered. "Look I just ... I called to tell you that I'll get him back. I'll get Jensen back."

The sobbing that instantly echoed down the line made Jared flinch.

"God, please. Please," was all he could understand.

"I will do everything ... everything I can to get him back," he promised her, promised himself. His voice was thick with emotions, both his hands clutching the phone.

The sobbing died down slowly on the other end and the last thing Jared heard was a breathy "Thank you", before he hung up.

~+++~

A restless energy had filled Jared since the phone call. He wanted to do something, needed to do something. The guys still weren't back which meant he was free to sneak out of the house without their caring and worrying eyes hovering over him.

That was the reason why he stopped the car in front of Mrs. Morta's house not even an hour after he had spoken to Mackenzie.

The front yard was empty and nobody reacted to the doorbell, but Jared didn't give up, just made his way around the house. He saw the old lady by a small garden shack, dumping something out of a huge basket onto a compost heap.

"Jared! It's good to see you, boy!" She shouted over the distance as she saw Jared, waving with her green-gloved hands.

"Mrs. Morta," Jared greeted her, stepping closer.

"So, how are you feeling, son? I know you've had some tough days, huh? I was a little disappointed that Christian or Chad Michael didn't show up at my front steps threatening to kill me," she chuckled and Jared joined, thinking that she maybe was a little closer to the truth than she knew.

She threw a huge pair of garden clippers into the basket on the ground and looked up. "So, you're here for something, boy, right?"

"Yes, I ... I wanted to talk. Ask about ... ," he made an excessive gesture, "about everything, I guess."

Mrs. Morta nodded and smiled. "Oh, sure, honey. Just help me with that, would you?"

Jared grabbed the basket on the ground and followed her through her garden to one of the rose bushes. Some roses looked beautiful and strong, others were hanging their heads and looked dark and withered.

"It's a pity, really," Mrs. Morta stated and motioned Jared to put the basket down. "Everything I touch seems to die." She grinned, some secret glistening in her eyes. "But I can try anyway, isn't that right?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"So, how are you feeling?" This time he knew that she was asking to get a real answer.

"I'm ... I'm okay ... considering." He let out a shaky laugh, driving his hand through his hair.

"Yeah." She nodded. "I'm truly sorry that you had to go through this. You have to believe me, I am." She looked like she wanted to add something, but then she smiled and turned around, crouching down to the next rose bush.

"Okay, son. If you have any questions, ask away." Not waiting for Jared's replay, she took the garden clippers and got back to work.

"I ... uhm. Okay, first, I wondered ... that time I was in the hospital, you know about that right?"

Mrs. Morta looked up. "Of course I do."

"Uhm, was that ... that was the day he was taken, right?"

"Yes, dear. He had been taken that day. What do you remember?"

"Not much," Jared admitted. "I remember waking up in the hospital three days later, feeling ... feeling lost. The doctors could never tell me what it was, just got me to see a shrink. My friends told me that, when they were driving by my house that day, they could hear my dogs barking like crazy. They knocked and rang the doorbell, but when I didn't open the door, they kicked it down. Found me sitting in my living room, staring at ... staring at a door. They brought me into hospital." 

Mrs. Morta didn't say anything, just nodded in response to Jared's words, showing him that she was listening. 

"It was really tough for my family. For Chad. I ... put them through a lot, huh?"

That made her head swirl around and look at him with concerned eyes. "Oh, hon. You think this is your fault?"

"You said it's on me, right?" Jared asked, his voice wavering. "I'm the one whose dreams are the most intense, I am the one who got to remember him again. It is about me! It's my fault, something that I did, right?"

Mrs. Morta didn’t answer, just looked at Jared with something unreadable showing on her face.

"You know the reasons, right?"

She stayed silent.

"Answer me!" Jared shouted, anger pulsing in his veins. Didn’t she know how important this was for him? Didn’t she understand?

When no answer came, no reaction at all, Jared could feel his anger vanish, change into a deep sadness, could hear his own voice break, as he asked, "You know what the hard part is? I remember everything. I remember how Jensen made a real fuss over my last birthday. Spending way too much money on my presents and got all my friends to come. But I also remember spending it with Chad. Alone. When there was no Jensen. They're fading. They're blurry like dreams are sometimes. But the wrong memories are still there and sometime it's so damn hard to keep them apart."

The look on the old woman's face clouded with sympathy. 

"Every timeI remember sitting alone in this house after the break-up with Sandy, feeling miserable and lonely, I have to remind myself that it had never happened like that. That Jensen had been there for me. All the time. Had dragged me out to the most expansive restaurant to buy me the biggest steak they served." Jared smiled at the memory, the real memory.

"Do you know where he is? Jensen?" Jared looked up, finally asking the only question that really mattered.

"Probably working on set now,” Mrs. Morta replied immediately. “With you." She sighed. "Just not in this reality."

Jared winced, buried his face in his hands."God, my ... my head is spinning with all this!” he said, his voice desperate. “I don't understand. Is this all real? Or is the place where Jensen is the reality? Are the things that happened in the dreams real? Did they ... did they really happen? There, where Jensen is?"

Mrs. Morta stood up, let the garden clippers sink to the floor. She smiled up at Jared, let her hand rest on his arm. "I think I can explain that to you. Come."

She led them through her garden, just to the north-end behind her house.

"You see that tree over there? The one with the split trunk?" she started to speak, pointing at a small tree that had grown not four feet until the trunk had split itself in two, towering now like two huge trees born out of one over the fence.

"Imagine reality as a solid tree like this," Mrs. Morta explained, stepping closer to the tree. "Until someone came and split it. One reality with Jensen, where everything stayed the same," she let her hand slide over one of the trunks, "and one without him. And all the things that would have happened if he would never have existed."

She paused, looking for a sign in Jared's face that he was understanding what she was saying. "When you dreamed, your mind would slip into the other reality, the other trunk, and would give you a glimpse on what was happening there." 

Jared's heart beat faster. "So when I dream, I'm ... I'm really there."

"Yes." She nodded, giving Jared a reassuring smile.

Jared stared at her, the things he'd learned swirling around in his head. "How do you know so much? How? Who are you?" he demanded to know.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that much, dear," she smiled again, talking to him like he was just a little kid who didn't get to know what the grown-ups did. "I'm just an old woman who sees more than other people do."

Jared grew impatient. He stepped back from the old woman, raising his hands, giving her a pleading look. "But what do I do? I have to be able to do something!"

She shook her head. "I'm afraid not. All you can do is wait. All you can do is find out what you want. What you really want. And what you're ready to fight for with everything you have, everything you are."

A sob escaped Jared's throat. "I don't understand!"

"You don't have to, sweetheart. But now go. Go back home. Go back to where you feel close to him."

~+++~

"Harley, no. Go back. No, that's not for you! Harley!"

I wake up in the dream to the sound of Jensen scolding Harley quietly in the kitchen. I see a glimpse of him bending down to pet my baby and I see that he's not really angry and how he can't fight off the grin at how Harley tries to take a look at something that's sitting on the kitchen counter.

I sit up on the couch I've been lying on and register how Sadie's ears perk up at my movement. She sits up from the place next to the coffee table where she was sleeping and lets out one short bark.

"No, Sadie," Jensen hisses from the kitchen and stumbles into the room, clearly trying to get her to be quit.

A slow smile spreads over my face and a warm feeling in my stomach, but when I hear some rustling out of the kitchen and see Jensen jump and run into the kitchen to stop Harley from eating whatever Jensen was trying to cook, I can't stop from laughing out loud.

"You're awake." 

A small smile appears on Jensen's face as he looks at me and I can't help but return it.

"You look better," Jensen states and tilts his head. "I was going to make some dinner, but now I'm not so sure that there's anything left that Harley didn't touch." He laughs lightly and I feel that warm feeling grow stronger, get deeper.

"I love you," I blurt out, suddenly, and watch the blush creep over Jensen's face as he smiles, deep and happy, and lowers his head like he wants to hide what it means to him that I said this.

God, this is Jensen. Jensen. That guy I had been spending the last years of my life with. The guy who's always there when I laugh, when I cry, and every single second in between.

I feel my heart flutter and my stomach flip when I think about the things that had happened between us. 

When I hadn't been aware that I'm dreaming. When I had been. And now that I know who he is.

"Come here," I say softly, raising my arms, reaching out for him.

He hesitates a second, then raises his eyes up to me and smiles. "Sap," he jokes but lets me pull him in, doesn't move away or laugh at me when I circle my arms around him, bury my head against his belly.

"I love you so much," I whisper against his shirt, feel the soft fabric against my cheeks. 

"Jared," he whispers back and his voice is strong with emotion. He moves his arms around me and lets his hands glide through my hair, starting a gentle caress.

My nose rubs gently against his shirt and I inhale the scent of him, feel the warmth and the love spreading inside me.

I'm happy. I'm truly happy, because this is my life. This, here. With Jensen. I just need to get it back.

It's almost instinct when I loosen my arms from around Jensen, and tug his shirt up to reveal, soft tanned, smooth skin.

"Oh god," Jensen breathes above me when my lips touch his skin, gently gliding over his taut stomach.

My senses cloud with Jensen's smell, his taste, the feel of him under my hands. I place soft kisses over his abdomen, tasting every inch. 

I can hear myself moan when my tongue catches the start of his happy trail.

"Jesus," Jensen gasps and pushes me gently away, just to pull my head up to him, sealing my lips with a kiss.

I can feel how he's trying to be gentle, trying to be slow, but I don't let him. I just pull him down to me and he follows me eagerly onto the couch.

 

I can still feel his tongue against mine, when the loud rattle from the kitchen makes us jump and I lose Jensen to the dream while I'm gliding back into reality.

~+++~


	13. part three, chapter three

~+++~

Jared stopped in front of the big hall they were shooting in that day. People around him were busy, talking into their headphones, cell phones and walkie-talkies. Running around with a concentrated look on their faces. Moving heavy things into the hall.

Jared didn't stay unnoticed. But like a silent agreement, nobody approached him, nobody asked. They just smiled when they saw him, gave them a pat on the shoulder or a hug. Nothing more. No drilling questions.

"You should see this, Jensen," Jared whispered. "You would love this set." 

He looked at the fake hotel room he could see from there. A hotel room this time. Beautiful and expensive looking.

But then Jared remembered that Jensen was most likely just looking at it now with Jared by his side. Just not here.

Here, Jared was alone.

Jared's strength faltered and he drew in a shaky breath at the pain that shot through his chest. Loss. Fear. He had never known how painful it could be.

But the thought that at least Jensen wasn't alone, that he didn't have to go through this, was enough to get him his composure back.

With a last deep breath he made his way inside the building.

 

"Jared! How are you?" Nona, the young P.A., was smiling happily at him when she spotted him.

"I'm good, thank you," he replied and almost meant it.

"That's awesome," she beamed, putting a needle between her lips as she moved the curtains she was currently working on over her legs.

"Uhm, what are you doing?" Jared asked, trying to sound interested, normal.

Nona grinned again, the happiness never leaving her face, even with a needle in her mouth. "Just fixing the curtains for the hotel room. Nothing major. We'll be ready to go in no time."

Jared nodded politely.

"Jared," a darker voice came from behind him and Jared felt a warm, calming feeling flush over him as he turned around and saw Kim walking towards him.

"Hey, it's really good to see you, Jared."

"You too," Jared answered as he hugged the older man.

"Haven't seen you in a long time, Jared," Kim said, concern written on his face,"you sure you're up to this? Don't wanna put you back into this when you're not ready."

Jared didn't answer immediately. There was no easy answer to this. More than anything in the world he just wanted to leave here and find Jensen and get back to the life he saw in his dreams. 

But he couldn't have that. Not by just wishing. So coming here, working on the set that held so many memories of Jensen still, even if he hadn't ever been around this set, was the next best thing.

Jared smiled. "I'm up for it. I want to get back into Sam's head."

"Okay, kid. Then let's start this," Kim laughed and padded Jared's shoulder.

And just like this they were working again.

~+++~

"Okay, one last take Jensen. You're rocking this scene, man."

Kim's voice is low but heard all over the set. Everyone is deadly quiet and watching.

Jensen is doing a very difficult scene. Forced to tell a story with only his face, speaking of hate, guilt, love and fear, and not allowed to let anything show to the supposed-to-be-demons around him.

He's nailing it.

I'm standing next to Kim, can see Eric out of the corner of my eyes standing as well, staring at Jensen, his mouth open and eyes wide.

I can feel goosebumps raising on my arms.

Two minutes later and it's over, people cheering and clapping and congratulating Jensen for his performance.

I grin proudly at him when he makes his way to me.

"Dude, that was amazing," I whisper when he's close enough to hear it.

"Thanks, man," he nods and the glistening in his eyes tell me how much my words mean to him.

I want to hug and kiss him so badly, it physically hurts to stay away. But we have to. Nobody knows about us. Not yet.

"Jensen, I'm this close to falling down on my knees before you and praying to the shrine of Jensen Ackles," Eric almost squeals with glee. "You rocked this scene so fucking much!"

Jensen laughs out loud, his laughter travelling over the set, happy and carefree.

I could spend hours watching him like that.

"You did good, man. I'm impressed," Kim stated, more quiet than Eric but not less praising.

Several more people come, shaking Jensen's hand, clapping him on his back, words of praise and congratulations.

Jensen blushes at the attention he is getting, smiling shyly at the approval of the whole crew.

I can't take my eyes off him.

When everyone's getting back to work, leaving us alone, Jensen turns to me, looking up to me with a smile.

"You were perfect, Jen," I'm telling him again, because it's true, and because I want to see his eyes ... sparkle like that again.

He ducks his head, embarrassed, but then he starts talking about it, about the scene. He's talking about it almost breathlessly, his enthusiasm contagious.

I know that rush. I know the feeling of losing myself completely in a scene, watching myself creating something good, something better. Taking the next step.

But that's not why my smile deepens into a joyful grin.

It's because Jensen's hand had wandered to the small of my back, holding me there, and because he's moved so close I can feel his breath on my skin. And because his eyes sparkle, looking at me like I'm the only person on the planet.

It's stupid, but it makes me ridiculously happy that it's him who can't stay away.

~+++~

The good feeling stayed, even after the inevitable pain in his chest. He could still feel Jensen's touch, the warmth of his hand, when he stepped out of his trailer, ready to go back to set after a short nap. It had been Kim's order that Jared took it easy, and Jared had not refused.

"Hey, you're ready to go?" Nona asked as he passed her on his way to the set.

"Yeah, sure," Jared replied and smiled at her.

"Eric wants to see you first though. He's waiting for you on set."

"Thanks," Jared nodded, waved at her, and kept on walking.

He found Eric, talking to someone from lightning with flailing hands and a frown on his face.

Eric didn't look happy.

"Jared," he said and his mood didn't seem to change.

"Eric," Jared replied carefully, testing the water.

"Yeah, have to tell you something we just decided," he explained but waited for the lightning guy to leave before he went on.

"We're dismissing the idea of a second brother."

Jared stared blankly at Eric, processing what he'd just said.

"I had half Hollywood and all of Vancouver in the audition. There's no one who fits. The ... the feeling just isn't right, you know?" He was clearly upset. "I had a meeting with Sara, Kim and some suits and we're decided it was for the best to just drop the idea, before we cast it wrong."

Jared was still frozen to the spot when Eric patted his shoulder. "Just wanted to give you a heads up, okay?" With these words he left, Jared just gaping after him.

He felt terrible.

Logically he knew that it would have killed him seeing someone else play Dean, someone else filling in Jensen's space. He would have hated the guy no matter what and would have been torn apart every time he had to call him his brother.

But this was worse. This was killing Dean like he didn't matter, like he wasn't a crucial part of Sam's life. This was killing Jensen with him. 

Jared felt the pain cut through him as it was closing in on him worse than ever before. He couldn't lose him like this too. Not again.

He turned around and quickly made his way through the working people around him as another thought occurred to him.

 

"Nona," he shouted as he saw the young girl entering the wardrobe trailer, making her stop and turn to him.

"Jared, what's up?"

"The leather jacket! You know? The one Becky made for Sam's brother, do you still have it?" he asked, his commotion startling her.

"Yeah, sure. We don't put anything away immediately, Jared. It's still on the rack, I think."

"Thank you!" He gently pushed past her, getting to the back part of the trailer, where he could find the rack.

And the jacket.

He hadn't known that it was Dean's jacket, Jensen's, when he had first seen it.

Hadn't known how much it would mean to him now.

"Can I ... can I keep it?" Jared asked breathlessly as he could hear Nona walk up to him.

"Uhm, sure. I think. I'll leave Becky a message that you have it." 

He could hear the confusion in her voice, the underlying question, but he couldn't care less.

Carefully, like it was a precious treasure, he took the jacket off the rack. The leather felt warm and well worn in his hands. Soft and familiar. 

He had seen Jensen in this jacket uncountable times, hadn't give it as much as a glance, but now he could remember every move and every pose that had been shot in it.

He pressed it tightly to his chest, closing his eyes.

"I'll get you back, Jensen. I promise," he whispered, not caring if anyone could see him like this.

When he just concentrated hard enough, he could almost smell Jensen on the leather.

~+++~

The day had been long and hard. Shooting had lasted till ten and everyone on set had let out a relieved sigh as the wrap for the day had been announced.

The yard was brightly lit as Jared parked his car in the front.

Harley and Sadie were greeting him happily as he opened the door to his house and he took his time to thoroughly pet them before he went into the kitchen.

"Hey, how was your day, honey?" Mike joked as he saw Jared enter.

"Long," was Jared's short answer but he grinned at Mike. "What are you doing?"

"Making you dinner, sweetheart," Mike replied without missing a beat.

"I didn't know you can cook." Jared was impressed as he watched the other man professionally handling the tomatoes.

"Oh, I'm a man of many talents," Mike grinned again, looking proud and smug.

"Don't talk his ear off, Rosenbaum. The kid had a long day." Steve patted Mike on the shoulder, joining the two men from the living room. Groaning, he moved his neck from one side to the other and rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"You found something interesting?" Mike asked while he browsed through Jared's cabinets, looking for something.

"Nah," Steve made, looking exhausted. "According to every article I could find on the net, the only thing that were able to pull such a thing like erasing a person out of the world would be a god." He laughed at the idea. "I think we can rule that one out easily. I can believe a lot of shit, but gods? That's a size to big for my head." 

He yawned and Jared felt sorry for him and thankful that he did spend so many hours trying to help. "You know," Steve chuckled. "I feel like Sam Winchester right now with all the research. And I didn't even watch the damn show," he pointed out, smiling at Jared.

Jared smiled back, but could feel how it stretched a little too wide, didn't get deep. He didn't feel like smiling.

Watching Mike and Steve behaving like this, like they belonged here, made him want to cry.

Because they did. They were supposed to be a huge part of his life, but not like this.

Not when they would still look up at Jared with the slight hesitation of being still new to each other, being still a stranger. Mike wouldn't remember the all-night-parties and the drinking they had done together, Steve not the hours and hours of sitting together, playing guitar just for fun, sometimes not even a song, just notes.

 

A bark from the hallway gave Jared the reason he needed to turn around and fly the room. 

He found Sadie on her hind legs, her forelegs scratching on the door to Jensen's bedroom. The empty room.

"Baby, no," Jared whispered, his heart clenching.

Harley was standing next to her, looking just as determined to get in that room as she was.

Jared caved. With a shaking hand, he turned the knob and let them in.

The game hadn't changed.

Sniffing the air and every corner, his babies looked lost in the empty space.

Jared crouched down to them.

"You always knew that he should be here, right?" Jared whispered. "You knew that he was missing."

He felt tired to the bone. He was worn down, his mood changing so drastically from hour to hour. There was not a day where Jared didn't feel happy and hopeful one moment, and stricken and depressed the next.

Mrs. Morta had told him to wait. That there was nothing else he could do.

But if he was honest to himself, he had no idea how long he could last.

"Jared! Get a shower and come back down here!" Mike voice came loudly from the kitchen. "Dinner's ready in ten!"

"I'll be there!" Jared shouted back and got back up.

He didn't close the door to Jensen's room as he went upstairs.

~+++~

I wake up to something wet and hot brushing over my spine. Something nipping and tugging gently at my skin. To soft lips pressing light kisses on my neck, over my shoulders, down to my ribs.

"Mmmm," I make a barely audible half-mumbled sound, not fully awake yet, pushing up just a little bit to meet the teasing licks on my body.

"What are you doing?" I whisper, keeping my voice quiet enough to not disturb the charged mood that fills the air.

"Licking every little drop of water off you until there's only me on your skin," Jensen's voice rumbles into my ear, so close that his breath tickles and vibrates through my body.

A shiver runs through me, along with a deep groan and I bite my lips at the sensation of him pressing his body close to me.

"You looked so beautiful all sprawled out on the bed," he goes on between little nips and licks. "Naked except for the small towel draped around your hips and your skin still wet." He bites gently into my neck before lapping the spot with his tongue. "Had to taste you."

He grinds his body against mine once again, his clothed groin rubbing over my towel-covered ass, and it's not enough friction to feel anything and just enough to buck up against him in return.

"Want to take that towel off of you, Jay," Jensen murmurs, the question obvious behind his words.

"Yeah," I gasp as an answer.

I hear a groan in reply and then feel swift fingers pull the towel off and leave me naked on the cold sheet.

"Fucking beautiful," Jensen whispers. "All laid out for me."

And then I feel his hands cover my cheeks first, before his mouth follows and he bites, gently but hungry for it and I can't help the groan that escapes my throat, loud and open.

"Fuck," I moan, muffled by the pillow I buried my head in.

He keeps on biting and licking me, tasting every inch of my body he can reach.

I squirm and pant as he reaches the insides of my thighs, wanting friction, wanting more.

As he gets back up, leaving a trail of kisses behind, I feel the soft fabric of his shirt, the rough texture of his jeans against my skin.

"Want you naked, too, Jen," I tell him, my voice thick with arousal. "Want to feel you against me."

I almost whimper at the loss of Jensen's weight, of his heat, as he climbs off me. But then I hear the rustling of clothes and almost shiver in anticipation.

It's so much better when he climbs back on. I feel the bed dip first, then his hands next to my shoulders, his knees next to mine.

He hovers over me, not touching yet and I push up from the bed, wanting to meet him halfway.

"Oh, fuck," I moan, clawing at the sheets underneath me, as I meet Jensen's body and feel his cock brush between the cleft of my ass.

The groan that leaves Jensen's mouth shoots right to my own dick, already hard, leaving a wet spot on the bed that didn't come from the shower.

"Stay down, Jared," Jensen orders quietly and I can't help but to obey, wondering what he'll do to me.

I let out the most girly sound I ever made as Jensen dips his tongue to the end of my spine, at the swell of my ass. It follows up my spine, slowly, torturing, until he reaches my neck.

He bites down gently and pushs down the same time, his hard cock gliding through my cheeks.

I gasp at the sensation, already out of breath, already flushed red and lips swollen. And he didn't even kiss me yet.

Jensen keeps on with his slow torture. Starting at the top of my ass, licking up my spine and rubbing his dick between the cleft of my ass.

I squirm. Can't stop the want rushing through me. I roll with his movements, meet him halfway, rubbing myself against his hot skin, trying to force him closer, get his cock deeper. Then I grind down, move my cock against the bedsheets for the friction that I so desperately need.

And Jensen expands his little game. Starts lower, pushes harder.

Seconds, minutes, hours later, he uses his hands to push my ass cheeks apart, running his tongue along the rim before he follows his journey up my spine.

He's driving me crazy. With the last thoughts in my head I'm sure he's trying to kill me.

The second after that thought he's licking over my hole.

Lapping around it, stabbing gently against it, I let out a scream and can feel my voice leave me already.

This time Jensen doesn't move up. He plays with his tongue, drawing noises from me I would deny on my deathbed.

I lose my mind as he finally pushes in. 

"Fuck, Jensen, fuck. Oh, god!"

I can't help but to push up my hips, trying to get closer, get more of that tantalizing pleasure.

"Just fuck me already, goddamnit," I half groan, half scream and only realize after how sure I am about this.

I feel Jensen shiver above me, the tremors running through my body from head to toes.

"God, Jared," Jensen moans and at a far corner of my mind, I'm proud and relieved that I can make him sound like that too.

 

He vanishes again from above me. But this time he gets back even faster and I don't have the time to miss his warmth, as a wet-slick finger presses against my opening.

"Jesus." It's tight and weird and it hurts a little as Jensen is slowly opening me, but it's also the best feeling ever and I realize that I'm really going to do this. I'm really having sex with a guy. Letting him fuck me. 

And I can't wait.

There's just one second of fear as I hear the sound of plastic being ripped open, but then Jensen blankets me again, licks around my neck, nibbles my ear and starts to mumble gentle, soothing words to me.

It hurts faintly as he pushes in. I hiss and try to back away on instinct. But then pleasure, the unbelievable sensation of having Jensen inside me, overrides everything and I'm pushing back even before Jensen can try to stop and go slower.

"Holy fuck," he groans above me, nuzzles my neck and grips my hands with his.

We start a slow rhythm but it gets quicker, more desperate so very fast and I'm too far gone to care. The noises Jensen makes are driving me crazy, the gasps and moans and grunts, the knowledge that I can make him sound like this, make him lose it, sends jolts of pleasure through my body.

What had started so gently turns rough and dirty and ohsoperfect very quickly.

What had started as making love, is turning to fucking now, with his thrusts picking up speed, and the slap-slap of skin against skin as I push back desperately.

"Oh god, yes," Jensen moans behind me and his fingers are gripping my hips, leaving bruisers and I love it.

I can feel the orgasm building under my skin, and I reach underneath me, grabbing my cock and start stroking.

I don't even get to move my hand more than twice as Jensen pulls me up, bats my hand away and wraps his hand around my dick.

I gasp, cry out hoarsely, my voice in shreds and I'm coming as soon as he touches me.

"Oh, fuck, oh god, Jensen, god, fuck, yes."

My mind didn't even stop spinning and I can feel Jensen coming behind me, inside me, groaning and screaming and cursing, slamming his cock inside me again and again until he's spent completely.

My arms tremble with the death grip I still have on the sheets, but I'm still riding out the aftershocks as Jensen pulls out, get's rid of the condom from the noise of it and turns me around like I'm weightless. Like I'm the small one.

I barely have time to register the changed position, me lying on my back, Jensen above me, before he's attacking my lips, licking into my mouth and I groan at the taste of him and the feeling of the soft flush of his lips.

"God, Jay, you're so perfect," he murmurs as we come up for air and I get a glimpse of his face, all flushed and relaxed and goddamn gorgeous.

"Right back at ya," I whisper and draw him in for another kiss.

Slowly the desperate passion dies down and the kisses turn gentle. We don't stop until we fall asleep.

~+++~

Jensen is beautiful. I have maybe always known that, in the back of my mind, but it was never so obvious, so clear for me to see like it is now. Or maybe it was just me who had to open my eyes.

He is still sleeping next to me. Lying on his stomach, his face turned towards me, both hands under the pillow his head rested on. The sheet is just above his ass, so I could see the perfect curve of it under the thin material. The sun is shining through the window, not high up yet, but high enough to put his whole body in warm light.

I know that someone did this. That someone came into my life and took him away from me. I can't imagine the reason. I can't think of any reason why someone would do something like that. Let alone be capable of it. But the truth is lying right in front of me, sleeping so peacefully and oblivious. 

I want him back. I need him back.

And I'm still not sure how I could do that. If the witch is right, and it's up to me, I'm afraid that I'm gonna fail. That I will never find out what it needs to get him back.

But I will do whatever I can. 

"I will get you back," I whisper, placing a soft kiss on his shoulder, and then I wrap my arm around him and pretend that this is already real.

~+++~

It felt weird to Jared; sitting in Dr. Moira's office, talking about his feelings, trying to make him right, when he knew that the truth was far more crazy than he could ever tell.

"Jared, you're not completely with me today, are you?" Dr. Moira asked him, a smile in her voice.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, doctor. It's just ... I'm a little ... ."

"Distracted?" she helped with a smile.

"Yeah." Jared could feel himself blush, but it didn't matter. 

Dr. Moira was looking down on her notes, brows furrowed. "So, Jared, how did our plan work? Did you try what I told you? Were you able to walk through your dreams?"

Jared nodded slowly. "Yeah, I ... I could remember that I was dreaming." He suppresed the urge to sound angry, to tell her that she was responsible that he had lost Jensen for a short time. 

"So, what did you find out?"

'That he is real. That he belongs into my life. That somene took him and that I'm gonna do anything to get him back'. But Jared didn't say any of that. 

"I ... ," he started but stopped again. What was he supposed to say?

"Jared, I need the truth from you, or I can't help you."

Jared nodded and stood up. He was too nervous to sit, walked over to the cabinet and started playing absentmindedly with one of the pictures there. One showing three little girls at different ages, all of them looking vaguely familiar but Jared's mind was miles away.

"What I found out?" he repeated her question. "That I can't live without him. That I can't breathe when I wake up because it physically hurts when I get torn away from him. That I can't hear anything because my senses are ripped apart and try to linger with him. How is that for the truth?" 

He turned around to the doctor, facing her with a glare in his eyes.

She just nodded, not angry, not disappointed like he had expected, but seemingly happy with his answer.

"It's the truth. I told you what the price for your honesty is, didn't I?"

"Yeah." Taking a deep breath he turned away again. 

 

Then he froze.

"You didn't," he whispered.

"Excuse me?"

"You didn't tell me that." Jared turned around, eyes wide, understanding slowly dawning on him. 

"I'm pretty sure I did," she countered.

"No!" he shouted suddenly. "Not here! Not in reality!" He made a couple of steps towards her, his anger rising and rising as he finally understood. "You told me in my dreams! And how can you know that if you weren't ... ."

Her smile turned into a grin. "You're right," she whispered.

"Give him back," he demanded, barely keeping control.

"Oh, honey I can't. But you know someone who might be able to help, don't you?"

And with that she vanished. Right in front of his eyes and if Jared hadn't suffered through the last weeks, hadn't known the truth, deep down inside him, he would have thought he had gone crazy finally.

~+++~

Jared stormed to his car, fumbling with the keys and his cell phone, trying to do everything at the same time. 

His heart was racing. His answer finally in front of him.

Behind the wheel, he took his cell and dialled Steve's number, impatiently waiting for the other man to pick up.

"Steve? I know who did this," he spoke into the phone as soon as he got an answer. "I know who's responsible, I know who took him."

"Jared? What? Where are you?" Steve's voice came through the line, alarmed and confused.

"I'm gonna go to that medium. Mabye she'll know what to do," he informed his friend, keeping an eye on the street as he moved the car into gear and shot down the street, ignoring every speed limit.

"Slow down, Jared, what are you telling me?"

"It was the doctor!" he shouted, not able to keep his voice down with the adrenaline shooting through his blood. "The fucking doctor all along! She took him. Somehow she took him and ... made him vanish out of our lives." 

"No, Jared," Steve warned. "Come back home first. We gotta talk this through, okay?"

"Steve no! I have to get him back! I need him back now!"

The man on the other end whined in frustration. "It's too fucking dangerous man, come back here and we'll go together!"

"You don't understand, Steve," Jared whispered, voice throaty. "I need to do this now! Get him back now! I can't wait a goddamn second longer."

"Don't do anything stupid, Jared!" Steve shouted through the phone.

"Too late." Jared ended the call, threw his cell phone on the other seat and kept driving.

~+++~

Jared didn’t even have to knock. He was flying up the few stairs of the front porch and the door opened to him, Mrs. Morta standing behind it; the older woman looking up to him with an unreadable look on her face.

“I know who did it!" He told her, not bothering with being polite or waiting for her to tell him to come in. He just pressed himself past the older woman and entered her house.

“Can you get him back? I know you said it was all about me, but please? You can bring him back, right? Please!" He asked breathlessly, his chest heaving and his hands flailing, his eyes begging her.

She just let her head fall to the side and gave him a small smile.

“Just come in first, young man, and let's talk about this." She brushed past him and let him into her living room, walking slowly, opposite to his nervous behaviour.

“Please, you gotta help me!" Jared didn't care how desperate he sounded. He was desperate. 

“Don't worry. He's coming back to you, son.” 

Jared didn’t see her face, just followed her while she was talking to him, wondering how she could sound so ... cheerful.

Mrs. Morta turned around and tilted her head, mustering Jared with a mild smile. “The strands of reality will be joined again, just like you two. But you have to calm down now. Everything is gonna work out just fine.“

Jared stood still, gasping at her words. How could she seem so calm? How could she seem like she knew everything? 

"How do you know all that?" he asked, looking down to her with confusion. 

"Oh, honey," she said with an amused tone in her voice. "I'm the one who took him."

 

Seconds ticked by as Jared tried to process her words. “What?"

“I'm the one who took him," she simply repeated, as if it was nothing. As if she didn't just tell him that she had caused all this.

“No, actually, we took him," another voice chimed in and Jared startled, swirled around, just to find Dr. Moira standing next to the desk ... and Nona leaning against it.

“What is this?" Jared gestured between them, his heart thundering against his chest. “And who the hell are you?"

“Jared," Nona started, her voice trying to soothe him. “You have to understand."

“What?!" He shouted. “What the hell is there to understand? You took Jensen out of this world! This world! And you destroyed so many lives with it! You destroyed me!"

“No, Jared! This is not what this is about!” Nona looked sad, her eyes pleading for him to understand.

“They're not gonna remember, Jared," Mrs. Morta told him, “Once he's back, no one will but you."

"But ... why?" He sounded weak now, exhausted, and the word was hanging in the air as he looked from face to face.

“Because it was important,” Dr. Moira said seriously. “Because it needed to be done. Because your destiny was in danger and it had to be fulfilled.”

“You're talking about ... about Jensen?“

All three women nodded. 

Jared laughed, nearing hysteria. “So what? So I would fall in love with him? So we would get together?”

Morta shook her head, a grin playing on her lips. “No, sweetie. You managed that part just fine. In fact, however we looked at your lives, whatever obstacle we calculated, there was never a chance that you wouldn’t fall in love.”

“What the hell does it matter to you?” Jared wanted to know, his voice on edge.

The women exchanged a look, silently communicating.

It was Nona who spoke first. “It's not as unimportant as it might sound to you. Fate never is. Look, when I spun the threads of your lives, I could feel it gliding through my fingers, both of yours so fresh and new, so full of promises. It was a pleasure to watch you grow, watch you become the man you're supposed to be."

Jared stared at her in shock, still not understanding, still unaware of what all this meant. “Who are you?" He asked again. 

“I'm Nona, I'm a fate. And these are my sisters, Decima and Morta. You might have heard about me in fairy tales or in history lessons. But you might have never believed in me. Well, for the record, I always believed in you."

Jared kept staring at her, every instinct screaming at him not to believe her, not to trust her, that she was insane. But with a sudden jolt he realized, that he knew better.

“Jared," Decima drew his attention to her. “I tied your fates together, yours and Jensen's. Your lives are inseparable. But if you don't follow what's written for you it could destroy the cosmic order."

Jared paled. “Does that mean that I had no choice? That I had no choice but to fall in love with him?"

Mrs. ... no, Morta laughed. “Oh, honey, since when is love a choice?"

But the other sisters glared at her and Decima spoke again. “You always have a choice. I can only tie your fates together, it's yours to choose how to live that life. You could have ended as enemies, as brother's in law, as friends, as anything you can imagine. But your lives are meant to be spent together."

"It was you who fell in love with him," Nona added, feeling like she had to make him really understand. "No one else did this. It was all you."

“We can shift reality, Jared,” Dr. Moira continued to explain. “We can split it. We can change appearances and texture. Can change the course of the weather and the path of the moon, if we have to. We can change everything about your life in a heartbeat. But we can’t change you, Jared. That’s the one thing we have no power over.”

 

Jared stayed silent for a long while. 

Trembling hands buried in his hair, he finally looked up again. “You still didn’t give me a reason. I still don’t know why you did it.”

“Let us show you something.” Dr. Moira took a step forward, touching Jared’s shoulder gently, making him turn to look through the door to Morta’s kitchen.

That was no longer Morta’s.

Jared gasped as his eyes fell on the image before him, taking in the oh so familiar shapes and colors of his own kitchen.

Watching Jensen, sitting at the table, head lowered, eyes on the script before him.

Watching himself, standing next to the fridge, his back turned to him, slicing potatoes.

 

Jared’s eyes flew up briefly, registering that he was still standing in Morta’s house, that the three women were still behind him, before they fixated on the scene before him once again.

“I remember that,” Jared whispered and wasn’t even aware that he had spoken out loud.

“That happened, months ago. A couple of days before we took him away,” Dr. Moira whispered back.

Then the Jared before him spoke.

 

“You know, Jensen, I’ve been thinking, man.”

Jared could hear how hesitant he sounded, could remember how nervous he had felt that moment.

“Okay, what?” Jensen answered casually, but didn’t look up.

“I ... don’t you think that ... I just thought that ... maybe you should move out.”

Jared cringed when he saw Jensen’s reaction. Jensen’s eyes grew wide and he tensed, his back clearly stiffening.

The Jared of the past though remained oblivious to what was going on behind his back.

“Okay. Can I ask why?” Jensen answered and Jared could only hear the strain in it because he could watch Jensen’s face.

“I ... god, I don’t know how to tell you this without sounding ... cheesy.”

Jared could read the growing confusion on Jensen’s face. 

“Jay.”

The Jared of the past turned around at that, letting the knife fall into the kitchen sink.

“Don’t you think we got a little ... too close?” The other Jared asked helplessly. “I mean, I can’t even think about ever leaving this house and ... you. God, I sound cheesy!” He buried his face in his hands and laughed.

“I just mean that I've grown so attached to you man, that I can’t imagine my life without you anymore and isn’t that kinda ... bad? Because, how are we gonna get married and have families of our own when I can’t imagine living without you anymore?”

Jared watched himself laughing and watched Jensen’s brow rise.

“What the hell are you trying to say, Jared?”

The other Jared was chewing on his lower lip, his face getting serious. “I’m just trying to say here, that if you wanna marry Danneel someday, you can’t keep living in my house, man. I just thought we should start now. You know, before it gets too hard.” The last words had been barely a whisper and then the Jared of the past shrugged his shoulders, mumbled a “Maybe we should just think about, y’know?” and left the room through the backdoor.

Jared’s eyes were glued to the pain that was showing on Jensen’s face, now that he thought he was alone.

 

“I ... .” Jared turned around to the women behind him and from the corner of his eyes he could see that the scene had turned into Morta’s kitchen again.

“I was just trying to help him,” Jared defended himself.

It was true. Jared remembered that moment and how he had tried to find the right words. Back then he really had thought he was doing the right thing. He knew that Danneel had started to feel left out, to be shoved in the background since Jared had broken up with Sandy and Jensen had moved in with him.

He hadn’t want Jensen to have to choose between him and Danneel. Had tried to give him an out. Had tried to make this about himself, about his own issues, and not about Jensen and Danneel.

He had never known that he had hurt Jensen so deeply with his words.

But how could that matter now? Right after that scene in the kitchen, Jensen had followed him in the living room and told him about his break up with Danneel. There had been not even a single thought of letting Jensen move out after that.

“We know what you tried, Jared,” Nona pulled him from his own thoughts. “We know that you were just trying to help him.”

“But the seed had been planted,” Morta concluded. 

“What do you mean?” Jared asked breathless, fear crawling up his chest.

“We need you to be strong, Jared. To be certain,” Dr. Moira told him. “Because one day the doubts will come and Jensen will think that this isn’t what you want. That he isn’t what you want. And we needed you to be able to look into his eyes and tell him exactly what you want. Make him believe you.”

A smile grew on her face. “You weren’t ready before. But now you are.”

Jared nodded. He swallowed past the lump in his throat and blinked away the tears in his eyes.

They were right. They were right. 

Jared had been scared and confused. Unsure of what and who he wanted. So many years of believing, dreaming of marrying that perfect wife and living in their perfect house, having their perfect kids; it took him living without the most important person in his life to figure out that he could still have that. Could still have it all. With Jensen.

 

Jared took a shaking breath. He wasn't going to understand this, maybe not in a million years. But it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was that they could bring him back.

“So you ... bring him back, right? Get everything back to normal and no one will remember?"

The three sisters nodded. “He is already back. Right the second you came through that door he was back," Decima told him, a warm smile on his face.

Jared just stood there, frozen for a moment, before he turned around without another word and left the house.

He had to go back home.

~+++~

His heart was racing in his chest and his palms sweaty when he reached his house. He parked in the driveway, turned off the engine, but hesitated to step out of the car. If he got inside and Steve and Mike where the only ones there to greet him, than nothing would have changed. 

But if they weren't there ... Jensen might be home. 

 

His legs were weak as he made the short way up to the front door. He fumbled with the keys, his hands shaking so badly they were almost useless. 

The door opened with a soft click, opening the view to his hallway.

It was silent. 

There was no Steve who came running up to him, angry at the phone call he had just ended. No Mike. No one.

The blood was rushing through his veins so fast, making him dizzy, and Jared locked his eyes on the door that lead to Jensen's room.

It had been left ajar and it took Jared some time until he stepped forward and pushed it all the way open. 

 

A sob escaped his throat as he saw the familiar bed, the drawer, the chair underneath the window. Jensen's things.

The bed was made, the room clean and tidy, but not too much to not feel at home. So much different to the apartment back in L.A.

Jared was gripping the door frame so hard, his knuckles went white, sending small jolts of pain through his hand.

"Oh, god,” he exhaled, relief so strong he struggled for air.

He couldn't move as he tried to ride out his emotions. Laughing and sobbing at the same time, Jared felt like he would faint any moment, would break under the waves of his emotions.

"Jensen,” he whispered, and then stronger, because there was still no sight of him yet, "Jensen!”

Panic rose inside Jared, his heart beating maddeningly in his chest.

What if this was another trick? Another dream? 

Jared could feel his lungs tighten again, caught his throat with his hand and forced himself to relax, to simply breathe.

 

"I'm right here." The voice came from the kitchen and Jared swirled around, couldn't believe his ears, his eyes, didn't want to trust them yet.

"Jensen?” He asked and didn't move. He was afraid that Jensen would disappear as soon as he moved.

"I'm here, Jared," he replied, a frown on his face and then Jared noticed Harley and Sadie next to Jensen's feet, wagging their tails. 

Jensen was more beautiful than Jared had ever seen him.

He was real, solid, alive. He was there.

"Jensen," Jared said again, just for the feel of the name rolling off his tongue. 

"Jay? What's up?" Jensen made a move towards him, but Jared stopped him by holding up his hand.

"You ... you're real, right?" he asked, suppressing the hysteria laughter that bubbled up inside him. "You're gonna stay, right?" The last word was nothing more than a broken whisper.

"Is it back? Should I call Dr. Moira?" Concern clouded Jensen's eyes.

Jared could only stare. But then he noticed the small differences in his house. The pictures on the wall. The rug in the living room. The dvd pile.

It all was right again.

Jared's eyes drifted back to Jensen who was still looking at him, waiting for a response.

Jared couldn't believe he was back.

Standing right in front of him like he had just came back from taking out the trash.

Like the last months without him had never happened.

"It didn't," Jared whispered to himself, causing the frown on Jensen's face to grow deeper. But the meaning of everything was slowly and finally sinking in. The last few months had never happened. Not to anyone but him. He would be the only one to remember, the only one to have two memories of the same situation. 

One alone. And one with him. With Jensen.

"Should I call the doctor? Jared?"

Jared shook his head, a slow smile spreading over his face that grew deeper and happier every second.

And then he finally moved, made three long steps until he could embrace the other man, pull him into a tight hug. 

"Jared, are you okay?" Jensen asked, but returning the hug tightly.

"Yeah, yeah I am now," Jared mumbled into Jensen's neck, drawing in his smell, his taste, starving for it.

"I'm right here, Jared," Jensen told him, holding on to him. "I'm right here."

And finally, Jared could say, "Yeah, I know."

~+++~

A couple of days later

 

"Jay, let's ... uhm ... let's at least try to get inside, okay?" Jensen panted against Jared's lips, fighting the urge to just grind back into Jared, who was standing behind him, close enough that Jensen could feel him hard in his jeans.

Jared grinned and just let go of Jensen's head long enough so he could turn around and find the lock for the key.

A not so silent cry of victory escaped Jensen's lips as the door swung open and both men tumbled in. 

The next second, Jensen had Jared pinned to the closed front door, devouring his mouth like kissing Jared was the only thing that could keep him alive, both ignoring the dogs that were jumping to their feet.

"God, you ... feel so much better then I've dreamed," Jared moaned, eyes already fallen closed, his skin flushed, his hair damp. "Taste better. Taste like ... god, taste like you."

Jensen didn't even care what Jared was talking about, just let the lust-filled voice wash over him, let his arousal rise with every whispered word.

"Bedroom," Jared growled and moved them, turned them around without ever letting go of an inch of Jensen's skin.

"Wait," Jensen mumbled, as they passed the phone in the hallway, a deep red light blinking. Jensen reached blindly for the button that would play the voicemails and pushed it.

"You have three new messages..."

"Dude, you serious?" Jared laughed and groaned at the same time. "There's a reason why we switched off our phones, dude."

"Maybe, guh .. maybe there's something important," Jensen explained, tugging at Jared's lower lip and his belt at the same time.

Jared made a soft sound, something between a purr and a whimper, as Jared grazed his cock with his hand.

"Something ... something more important than this," he asked, slinging his arms around Jensen, grabbing his ass with both hands and pushing him against himself.

They both groaned at the contact.

"Okay," Jensen admitted, already pulling Jared with him, aiming for his bedroom. "I think you got a point."

 

Tripping into Jensen's bedroom, slamming the door shut behind them with a foot and managing to keep the dogs outside, they didn't hear the three messages they got on their voicemail.

It was Mike first. 

_"Guys, you're never gonna believe me what I just dreamed! I dreamed of you dating each other! How crazy is that?! With all the kissing and the groping and stuff! God, I think, I'm around your fangirls too much. Oh, and turn your damn cell phones on, okay?"_

The Chad's voice came from the machine.

_"Jared? What's with your goddamn phone? Turn it on, man! So I don't have to call this stupid landline where probably pouty-lips is gonna hear me. Oh, by the way, just had the weirdest dream man. You were fucking Ackles. I mean, not that I saw that or something, 'cause, ugh, would have been scarred for life. But been dreaming about you being together and stuff. Weird, huh? Okay, J.T., give me fucking call sometime, alright? And say hi to pouty-lips from me."_

And the last came from Mackenzie.

_"Jensen? Hey, I didn't get you over your cell-phone, so I'm trying the landline. I just wanted to talk to you. Not about something special, just hearing about my brother from time to time. Okay? So, call me when you got the time? And, uhm, say hi to Jared from me. And give him a hug from me. And tell him ... tell him thank you. I don't know even know, just ... thank you. For taking care of you, I guess. Bye."_

~+++~


	14. epilogue

~+++~

Nona, _who spuns the thread of life from her distaff onto her spindle_ , watched the two men vanish into the bedroom downstairs and walked over to her sisters, a delighted smile on her face.

"They're just too cute for words," she beamed and sighed as she took the seat in the living room right next to her sisters. Then she frowned slightly, remembering all the days behind them, all the suffering she had witnessed.

“Uhm, don’t you think we’ve been a little, uhm ... drastic?” She turned to look at her siblings.

“What are you talking about?” Decima, _who measures the thread of life allotted to each person with her measuring rod_ , looked up to her.

Nona shrugged. “I mean, we put him through hell. That poor guy suffered so much.”

“You feel sorry for him, sis?” Decima smiled, affection in her eyes.

“Yeah, of course I do!” Nona burst out.

Morta, _who cuts the thread of life, who chooses the manner and time of every person's death_ , sighed and rolled her eyes. “Look, we tried subtle. We tried slow and easy and painless. And what did we get?”

“He broke off with Sandy, moved in together with Jensen, and made jokes about how Jensen had a big crush on him," Decima dove in. "They could have ended up in bed together and that guy would still have proclaimed he was straight and would have thought he had to marry a girl and have 2.5 kids. Trust me sweetie, that guy needed a sledgehammer!”

“But why did he get all the trouble?" Nona gestured, tried to make her sisters understand, "I mean, Jensen didn’t have to suffer through this like Jared did!”

Decima huffed. “Because Jensen is as stubborn as he is beautiful. He wouldn’t have gone far enough to make Jared see what he needed to see. Just one word of rejection and Jensen would have been out of the picture.”

“Let it go, Nona," Morta advised in a caring tone. "They belong together. They were made for each other. We of all people should know. We just ... helped it along.”

“Honey, you can watch over them for as long as they live and keep everything detrimental out of their way, okay? Is that a deal?” Decima smiled towards her younger sister.

“But you do ... .” Nona was perplexed.

“Just this once, sis.” Decima stretched out a hand, patted her sisters knee.

Nona jumped up, beaming with joy. “Awesome!”

And so it came to pass that the three sisters of fate, the one who sings of things that were, the one who sings of things that are and the one who sings of things that will be, rose up from the sofa of the Ackles-Padalecki household, unseen by any men, and turned for the front door.

“Okay, uhm ... can we try Chad and Sophia again?” Nona tried her best most innocent voice, hoping that she might get a positive answer this time, since her sisters seemed in a good mood.

“No!” Came the reply from both of them immediately.

“Come on!" Nona whined. She didn't even care if she sounded like a five-year-old. "We could ask Cupid!”

“Love is not Chad's problem, Nona.” Decima told her, opening the door and letting her older sister walk out first.

Nona stomped one foot to the ground. “But he was such a great friend to Jared!” 

“Yeah, because he wasn’t thinking with his dick!”

Nona and Decima turned to their older sister, their faces stunned.

Morta chuckled and rolled her eyes. “What? Don’t look so shocked. I know the word for it in every language of this planet. Don’t think I’m afraid to use them.”

The younger sisters shared another look before Nona fell back into her pleading voice. “Dee, please! They belong together! You know it!”

“Yes, I do," Decima admitted. "But he’s a lost cause.”

Reaching the sidewalk and not looking back once to the home they'd just fixed, the three of them headed south, no obvious destination on their road.

“We can ask Aphrodite. She still owes us for ... ,” Nona tried again, but Decima interrupted her.

“Hon, no one can fix him. Not even us.”

“But ... .”

“Give it up!” the two other sisters replied in unison.

“But we could ... .”

“Give it up!”

~The End~


End file.
